


In Die Nacht

by Mistress_Kalamity



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tokio Hotel
Genre: Angst, Epilepsy, Internal Conflict, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-11 17:04:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 58,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4444610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistress_Kalamity/pseuds/Mistress_Kalamity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My brother has always treasured his independence. He hates being seen as the sick kid. When we achieved our fame the last thing he wanted was someone to remind him that he was suffering from a disorder that without careful protection could kill him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This has been posted on Wattpad and I've decided to bring it here. I posted it on Tokio Hotel Fiction too but took it down.

The amount of physical pain I was in was unbearable. I knew that this wouldn't last for very long but I wanted to just die in this moment. The room was dimly lit and when I looked up from my bed or better yet mattress, I saw mother holding the video camera. I know I agreed to do these videos for record but some times it felt humiliating. I pulled my arm from underneath my body and reached up to find my brother. I was scared and confused. 

"Tom, he's coming to, come over here." I heard my mom whisper. 

I didn't know how much time had passed but I knew that it did. My body needed my other half. I needed to have that there or I might've started wailing. When I felt the weight on the mattress increase, I grabbed for the fabric of his clothes pulling my weak, exhausted body closer to him. My nerves relaxed when my nose caught scent of his body wash. 

"It's okay, I'm here."

I just wanted him to hold me. His thicker arms lay gently on my thin frame and his hands combed through my unruly, sweaty black hair. Mom had turned on another light in the room, giving me the chance to look around me. My bed was above me and the safety mattress was beneath me, I was laying on it. The number of injuries I have sustained had reached the double digits when mom decided that this would be a smart investment. 

Another smart investment, Tom moving into my room. He was the first responder and mom would come running in with the camera. She said she needed it to prove to the doctors my medication wasn't working. She was right. Every night I wake up on the floor, covered in sweat with a camera in my face and Tom combing fingers through my hair. No change. 

That's why daddy left. He wanted a son that was able-bodied and well. He got only one. Suddenly, my body lurched forward and I was violently sick into Tom's lap. That's when the camera clicked off. Mom left to get towels while I puked in his lap. Words can't describe the shame I feel. Tom didn't deserve to be woken up at one a.m. I didn't deserve to be ignored by every single medical professional I've gone to see. 

"I'm...sorry." I gagged. 

"It's alright. You can't help it."

I moaned and my body begged to be on my back. My muscles were tight and my head was pounding. I think Tom felt my discomfort because he turned the bedside lamp off. The room was more neutral which allowed me to peek open my eyes again and see the dizzy images. I lurched forward again and more vomit came rushing out. My stomach was empty and anything else after this would be acid. 

"Have him vomit in the bucket and use this wet towel to clean yourself up, Tom. I'll watch him while you grab a shower."

"Don't...go." I moaned. 

"He has to clean up, honey."

My head gently laid down on the mattress and I watched him walk into the bathroom. My heart was racing and I dry heaved. Nothing came up but I still gagged. My mom massaged my back and kissed my sweaty forehead. 

"That lasted about three minutes. Did you feel anything before?"

"My neck felt really hot and I had this intense urge to pee."

"Alright, I'll write that down."

"What time is it?" I sighed. 

"Two thirty a.m."

"I'm sorry for waking you up."

My mother just smiled. That's all she does when she wants me to know she doesn't mind. She may not but I do. I was exhausted and I had school in a few hours. I could sleep and then prepare for school but she might want me to stay home. I know she'll want that. But I'd rather go to school. She'd dote on me all day and we can't afford her missing work. Dad was the major income and with him gone, most of the bills fall on her. 

Tom soon returned and he helped me back into my bed. Mom cleaned the mattress with a wet cloth while I laid my tired head on Tom's chest. He had a protective arm on my shoulder and his head rested on mine. We've donned this pose since we were young. He's always been protective of me. I'm his baby brother despite being only ten minutes younger. 

Once mom gave me some medication to soothe my headache and my tummy. I closed my eyes hoping to sleep.

~*~

Bill is a fragile thing. I've seen him go through plenty of phases. From some weird carbon copy of me to a fairy, to a vampire and now his goth, emo look. But each and every time this has followed him. Bill has almost given up on smiling. It hurts me to watch him suffer and there's nothing wrong with me. Why is the world cruel like that? He's gotten more dark since dad left. I don't have the courage to tell him that mom started dating again. He'd get a little heated seeing as how he loved dad to death.

I brushed his hair back and I could feel he was tense. I looked down and his hand was twitching on my chest. It was balled into a fist and appeared to be pretty tight in that position. 

"Mom, come here!" I shouted into the next room. 

She came rushing and looked frantic. 

"What's wrong?"

"He's twitching really intensely in his right hand."

She glanced over and switched on the bedroom light. Bill remained asleep. She bent down and gently raised his eyelid. 

"His pupils are dilated too."

She stood up and sighed. My mother was clearly stressed. She worked three jobs and would come home tired. But that didn't stop her from taking care of us, especially Bill. 

"I can stay home from school and watch him."

"I'm off work for today and I invited Gordon over because I'm ready to tell him I have kids, I wonder if I should cancel?"

"No, mom, I'll watch him. It'll be fine."

"Okay, try to sleep. I think these twitches are just an after shock."

"I'll have Gustav and Georg get our homework. They both know our schedules."

She nodded and kissed both our foreheads. The door clicked close as she left. She had turned the light off and it was just me and Bill in a shroud of darkness. I loved him to death and would take a bullet for him. He was my only brother. 

I guess I had fallen asleep but next thing I know, I wake up and Bill is still asleep. I hear mom downstairs and I know I still have to text the g's. Removing Bill from my body was a chore, a whimpering battle match. Eventually he turned to cuddle his body pillow. I stood up and found my phone on the desk. 

_'Hey, it's Tom. I'm sure you already fucking know that, I need you to pick up, Bill and I's homework. He's sick and needs sleep and I'm watching him.'_

_'You're a f**kin' idiot, man. I got you as a contact so of course I know it's you and I hope he feels better, we'll be there after school. Gustav says hi.'_

I chuckled and put my phone down. Bill at this point was awake but he was still laying in bed. We were working on creating a band with those two idiots and I guess whenever Bill hears Georg's text tone, he perks up. He likes Georg's sister, Sasha and will immediately do what he must to impress her. But she's not the right girl for him. One she's three years older than us, two she's a stuck up bitch even Georg agrees. 

But Bill insisted upon following her around and being all googly eyed over. Her popular cheerleader friends take full advantage of that. They make him do stupid things because he's a foolish thirteen year old. And he's a freshman. I often told him to that they take advantage of him but he never listens. He's too stubborn or more like he's too wrapped around them. 

"I was texting Georg to tell him that we aren't coming to school and he needs to bring our work to us."

"Oh."

"Sasha isn't coming." I added. 

"Don't care, Tom. Can you get me some water? My mouth is dry."

"Sure."

He doesn't care about Sasha when he's sick but when he's normal, she's all he can talk about. Sasha this and Sasha that. It makes me Sasha sick. I went downstairs and found mom balancing a phone and the frying pan. I chuckled and grabbed a plastic cup from the cabinet. Before I could fill it with water, mom handed me the cordless phone. 

"Aunt Susie." She mouthed. 

I groaned and put the phone to my ear. 

"Hello?"

"Tommy? My god, is that you? Or is this Bill? No, Billy has a much deeper voice than you."

"It's Tom."

"How are you..."

I zoned out the rest of the conversation and would reply with the occasional mhmm when I wanted her to feel like I was still there. She went on about these cute little matching outfits she found. Does she think we are still six or something? I hope not otherwise this will make a weird Christmas. Eventually I hung up before she started talking about uncle Al's back warts. 

By this time, Bill was already in the kitchen. He had dark purple shadows under his eyes and he looked like he had been trapped out of the sun for years. He ghosted over to the sink and took the plastic cup. He drank about three cups of water before he tossed the cup into the sink and plopped down in his chair. 

"We'll be having company over for breakfast."

Bill just shrugged and picked at the food on his plate. I sat next to him and rubbed his shoulder. He looked like he would pass out and I hoped he'd just go back to bed. But I knew once he was up, he'd just stay up. His shoulder length, shit it was barely shoulder length, hair was sticking up slightly. 

Mom quickly ran from the room when the doorbell rang. I guess she wasn't going to waste any time with this one. Usually guys leave once she says she had kids. Dad left and we are his kids. But she's never introduced us to her boyfriends. So of course, I was nervous. Bill was oblivious being that he didn't even know she dates. She tells me everything because I guess you can say I've been the man of the house. 

"Boys, this is Gordon. Gordon these are my boys." She introduced when she entered the room again. 

"Who's this?" Bill scoffed. 

"This is my boyfriend, Gordon." She replied. 

"Boyfriend?! Since when did you get a boyfriend."

"Maybe I should go?"

"No, this is my house and you are my guest. I made you a plate. Come and sit."

Bill glared at this guy the entire time he was eating. Any man that's not dad is enemy # 1 to him. Bill wasn't the type to let stuff go either. He's the master of holding grudges. But I hoped he'd let this one slide. Gordon seemed nice and he paid the mortgage last month when mom came up short. She told me because that same month she brought Bill and I new shoes for school. 

"How long have you two been dating?"

"About six months, right Simone?"

"That's about right."

"And you didn't tell us?!"

"Actually Bill, she told me."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because she knew you'd get upset."

"Of course I would! This is my mom!"

Bill just rolled his eyes and turned back to his breakfast. He was stabbing the shit out of his eggs and judging by the gulp coming from Gordon, it was pretty scary.

"Bill, this is my decision. I really like him."

"I don't care! He's not dad!"

"Bill, your father isn't coming back."

"I know he's not and it's my fault." Bill muttered. 

He put his fork down and got up. I heard him go up the stairs and then the door slammed. Bill was the type to hold his emotions in and take them out on his music. Most of the stuff he wrote was pretty amateur. We only had eight songs that we played. But the club goers didn't really care. 

"I could go talk to him." Gordon suggested. 

"Are you sure?" My mom sighed. 

"I was his age when my dad left me. I can talk to him."

Gordon kissed my mom, receiving a reaction from me and left to go talk to my twin. I knew that it would be better if it were him since he'd just argue incessantly with me. He'd call me a number of names, most pretty premature and then he'd throw my ass out. Bill was a different being altogether. I was normal, I listened to others and respected their opinions. Bill was more, my way or the highway. I only pray for Gordon, may he leave in the same condition he came in here in. Knowing Bill, he might rip him a new one.

***

Finding where her kids slept wasn't too hard. There were a number of posters on the door. I knocked first and then opened the door. Bill was curled up with his knees on his chest on his bed. He was looking out the window and I could see the tears glistening on his cheeks. He seemed to be a nice kid.

"Look, I know I don't matter but I would like to get to know you and your brother better. When she told me that she had someone special for me to meet, I thought she meant a dog or a family member."

"What do you fucking want?" He snapped. 

My eyes searched for something in the room that would tell me something about his personality. I then located a composition note book labeled, songs. I took it upon myself to sit in his desk chair and pick up the book. 

"You write your own songs?"

"Yeah so?"

"That's cool, I'm a musician too. I have a little music school and I'm in a band."

"Really?"

"Mhmm. Do you play any instruments?"

"I don't but Tom does."

I nodded and waited for Bill to say something else. He just turned back to the window. I noticed that beneath his bed was an extra mattress. I had to make this kid trust me. Maybe if I take an interest in his interests besides music we'll find a common ground?

"What's up with the extra mattress?"

He glared at me and sighed. He didn't reply to my question, he just got up and left the room. I didn't know what I said. I got up and left the room. He was in the kitchen and I heard him talking with Simone. Maybe he's telling her he thinks I'm a cool guy? I hope he's not saying I'm a crazed pedophile or something. The smile on Simone's face told me otherwise. Maybe I was getting a good report from the kid? I slowly got closer to her and she was still grinning widely. 

"Gordon, thanks so much for taking interest in Bill and Tom. It means so much to me." She said once I got closer. 

"No problem. They seem like cool kids."

Simone dismissed the boys into the living room and we sat down at the table. She was clearly tired and I wondered why. Work must be tough but she comes home to self-serving children. I felt bad because when we met she nearly passed out in my arms leaving her job. I gave her a ride home and she thanked me with a kiss and her phone number. 

"Simone, I want to take you away from this life."

"Excuse me?"

"You're so stressed and work so hard and I want you to be able to relax. You need to relax."

"Believe me when I say it's not my work that stresses me."

"What could it be if it's not work?"

She opened her mouth to answer when Tom called her name. 

"Damn! Gordon I need you to go into the living room and see if Tom needs help. I'll be there in a minute."

"Wait, what's going on?"

"You're about to see why I'm so stressed." She sighed and ran up the stairs. 

My curiosity got the best of me and I rushed into the living room too quickly. Tom was holding Bill on his lap and the latter was slumped over. 

"Where's my mother?"

"She said she'll be down in a minute. Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's alright. He'll be okay."

"Do you need my help with anything?"

"Yeah, could you move the coffee table?"

I removed my blazer and tossed it to the chair and gently pushed the glass table out of the way. I noticed that Bill's limbs were twitching slightly. Tom was shushing him and kissing his head. I was officially confused. I wanted so badly to just ask what was going on but I'm sure that if I needed to know, I'd be told. 

"Okay, I'm here. Is he still breathing?"

"Yeah."

She had a camera this time and was recording Bill. I still didn't get what was going on. She sighed and handed it to me. 

"Keep it on him, Gordon."

"Sure."

Tom started to explain what was going on to the camera and that's when it occurred to me that this must happen often if this was the automatic reaction to this. She picked up his head and flashed a light in his eyes. 

"Dialated pupils and erratic breathing. Tom, what happened before this?"

"He was saying he was cold but he was sweating. He went to get up and I pulled him onto my lap."

"Okay. That's fine."

She told me to cut it once Bill coughed and vomited. He was so confused and I was with him. What in the world is going on? I handed Simone the camera and she smiled weakly at me. She pushed Bill's hair out of his face and wiped his mouth. Bill groaned and laid his head back onto his brother. Simone held his hand and called his name. I took a seat in the chair and looked at the ground. 

"Gordon, when Bill is feeling a bit better, I want you two to talk...alone."

"I'm fine, mom. My head doesn't hurt anymore and I can focus."

"Okay, Tom let's go into the kitchen and get Bill something to drink."

She took Tom and left me with the brother. Bill didn't say a word he just got up and opened the tv cabinet. I glanced over and saw years worth of video tapes. He sat back down and sighed. 

"That's my life for the past ten years. Mom started to record them a month after it started. I agreed to it because it helps me cope."

"Bill, what exactly is she recording?"

"Ten years ago, I got sick. But for a while I would zone out or start screaming randomly. My mom took me to the doctor and they said I was just being a kid. My mom didn't believe it and would watch me constantly. My dad didn't care that I was acting strange. 

My parents argued one night and my mom stormed out. She went to go get drunk and I was left here with Tom and dad. I was crying in our room and everything gets dark after that. My mom told me that I suffered my first ever seizure that night. Doctors diagnosed me with epilepsy and gave me medication. But it doesn't work. 

Mom records them to show the doctors that their pills don't work. I've been ignored by numerous doctors. None of them want to help me. But when your doctor is one of those discount clinic doctors don't expect much.

That's our family secret. I am an epileptic."

I sat there dazed, not knowing what to say. 

"I want my mom to be happy and if you make her happy you are going to have to accept this."

"When I first came here I thought that the person I would have to get a blessing from would be Tom but I'm guessing it would be you."

"Blessing for what?"

"I want to marry your mom."

He sighed and looked away. I hope I didn't say the wrong damn thing. That's the reason I really don't get girls. My mouth tends to be the black hole of relationships. 

"Can you g---get my mom?"

I went into the kitchen to get Simone when I heard something smack against the glass table that was in the living room. She rushed in the living room with me behind her. Bill was face down on the floor.

"Tom, call 911. Gordon, I need you to get this on camera."

She pulled Bill onto her lap while staying in the floor. His eyes were rolled upward and his mouth was twitching. Simone was calling out to him and I'm guessing trying to get him to answer her. 

"What do you need?"

"Just hand me a tissue and hold the camera over him."

I handed her the tissue and she explained that even when he took his medication a few moments ago, he still was having seizure activity and that a paramedic was called. This was tough and I was experiencing it once. I heard Tom get the door and we were shoved out of the way so they could get him. 

Simone had taken the camera from me and put it down. She then hid her face in my chest and cried. She probably doesn't do that often. I wrapped my arms around her and held her. 

"He's going into one." The second one announced. 

Out of instinct, I covered her ears before a ghastly yell escaped his mouth. It shook his brother because he flinched slightly. When I looked over at him, he must've saw something fatherly because he walked over and I put an arm over his shoulder and squeezed. This was my family.

~*~

While taking Bill home, Simone decided to document the treatment that Bill received or I should say didn't receive. They brought him in and pumped him with meds and then he was discharged. They even kept him in the hallway next to the ER. I'll repeat that, he was in the hallway next to the ER. If that's not unfair, I don't know the meaning of the word. I gripped my steering wheel so tightly because Bill, in the few hours I've known him, has become a son to me.

"Simone, I think I might be able to help you."

"How?" She said while putting her camera in her purse. 

"I have a friend. We went to college together and she's a neurologist."

"You went to medical school?"

"I wanted to be a pediatrician and I still could be one if I wanted to but I enjoyed making music more. Anyway, she's a great doctor and very compassionate with her patients. I could give her a call."

"What about payments? I couldn't afford that."

"Simone, she owes me a favor. It's a privately owned practice and she'll do it if you need it."

"Are you sure?"

"Mom, Bill looks like he's going to throw up."

"Set up the appointment and pull over."

I felt like a father to these boys and I want Bill to be healthy. I want to see him pursue those dreams. As a locally known artist I want to see him become international. It's the one thing that might bring a light to his eyes. Simone would say that her special someones were bright and very energetic. He seemed drawn from. But he perked up when I mentioned music. 

"Um, there's a pair of kids outside the house."

"Oh shit, that's Georg and Gustav."

"More children or..."

"No, those are our band mates. Georg plays bass and Gustav plays the drums."

 

I nodded and put the car in park. Simone helped Bill out of my truck. 

"Tom, you help your brother. I want to talk with your mom a minute."

He carefully brought Bill inside and I sighed. 

"As I was saying to you earlier, I want you to be happy. You deserve to have so much more than this."

"After Jörg left, I guess things were tight, money wise but we've managed."

"Simone, I asked the boys and they are okay with it, will you marry me?"

"Oh Gordon, I...I'd love to." She sighed lovingly. "But I haven't divorced Jörg. Legally, I'm still his wife."

"We can do it together. I have a lawyer that'll run the case for you. Just tell me when."

"You're amazing, Gordon. I love you."

She looped her arms around me and pressed her lips up against mine.

~*~

"You really want to take my sons away from me?"

"Jörg, you've never loved them. You just want to torture me. You left them because you didn't want to be a father."

"That's not true. I left because I couldn't take arguing with you. Bill isn't sick, you're doing something to him."

"Mom, dad, please stop fighting."

"Quiet, Wilhelm this has nothing to do with you. Your mother is lying to you. She's drugging you and it's making you sick."

"He has epilepsy, Jörg! Why would I even do something to hurt him? I love my babies."

"You're a liar, that's why! You love attention and will do anything to get it."

"I would never make him sick! How dare you even insinuate that?"

Mom continued to argue with dad while I sat next to Bill. He looked tired and in desparate need to just sleep. His appointment was next Friday and mom was trying to get dad to sign the divorce papers and to pass over guardianship to Gordon. But dad was putting up a fight over Bill. He thought mom was making him sick. What a boneheaded assumption?!

I held my brother while he tried to calm his headache. I felt him tense beneath me. I helped to muffle some of the noises that escaped his thin neck but tiny squeaks still got out. I just held him while he jerked against his will, against my body. Mom turned to us and sighed. 

"I was just trying to help him mommy. I didn't want him to hit his head, so I held him."

"That's really dangerous, Tomi. You've could've hurt yourself or him."

But she didn't pry him off of me. She simply caressed his arms and his legs while he went through it. Dad stood in the back watching us. 

"Stop faking it, Bill."

"He's not faking this! If it's not one thing with you, it's another. Bill can't help this and I'm not making him sick! But if you don't pass on your guardianship, he can't get treatment."

"Treatment for what? The boy isn't sick."

Jörg stepped over and pulled Bill's shaking form from my arms. He dragged him to the floor and mom nearly pounced on him. But she held back because she didn't want to hurt Bill. 

"Wake up, Bill and stop this nonsense. All you want is attention!"

"Jörg, stop! He's not faking it and you're hurting him."

"Nobody in either of our families have this and Tom doesn't have it! He's faking this."

He slapped him and that's when mom pulled him back. She got onto the floor and gently pushed his head to the side. He continued to seize though. Dad picked me up by my arm and put me in his face. 

"Tell your brother to stop faking it!"

"He's not faking it! I can't feel his thoughts because when he's like this, his head is a jumbled mess. Now get off of me."

I tugged away and went to my brother's side. He was slowly coming out of it and I knew he'd want me to be there. Mom grabbed a pillow and put it under his head. I used my sleeve to wipe his mouth. 

"Gordon, please come here!" She called. 

"Is everything alright?"

"No, I need you to help me get him up. He's in a postictal state right now."

He was staring blankly at us and not moving except for breathing. Gordon gently picked him up and tried to encourage him to walk. But he decided to just carry him to the couch. He tried this method before yesterday when Bill was having drops. He held him up and tried will him to walk. I guess it's suppose to see how conscious he is. 

"How long was it?"

"Two and a half minutes." I clocked. 

"Okay, look Jörg, just sign away your rights as a guardian and leave, now."

My dad simply tossed the papers in her face and sneered. 

"You ain't taking my boys without a fight."

And that's why we're currently sitting in family court. They wanted each of us in the stand. The only problem is, Bill can't deal with stress. He was having a bad week and his seizure threshold had gone up to ten a week. Mom was worried when Bill took the stand. 

"Bill, can you please explain to the court what exactly has your mother been doing to you?"

"Nothing."

"You medical records say you've been hospitalized numerous times because of violent seizures."

"Yeah, I'm an epileptic that happens."

"Are you sure that's what's causing it?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Can I get some water or something?"

"Of course."

I sat anxiously in the back and I felt Bill was getting confused. He looked like he would pass out. The doctor's appointment wasn't for another three days and she said not to take any medication. So he was running on no sleep and no medication. 

"What medications have you been prescribed?"

"I'm thirteen, my mom handles all that medicine stuff."

"So you don't know what she's giving you. It could be poison."

"I actually haven't taken the drugs and my threshold has gone up. I guess you can say I've raised the bar." He joked. 

"What's that mean?"

"What? Threshold? It's the amount of seizures I have on average. It also refers to the susceptibility of seizures."

"Big words for a kid who doesn't know what medicine he's on."

"Can we stop this? I want to leave. Can I leave?"

"Mr. Kaulitz, I'm not done."

"No, I wanna go home."

He got up and fell to the floor. I quickly reacted and was at his side while he convulsed. 

"Call a paramedic."

"No, he's okay. He'll be okay." I reassured. 

Gordon helped me bring him to the judge's chambers. Mom waited for a few minutes before giving him some water. He looked exhausted. 

"I'm...okay...I can go back."

"No, you're staying right here."

She left and I followed. She stormed into the courtroom with a fire under her ass. 

"Are you happy Jörg?! Our son doesn't need this shit! I'm not hurting him! He needs a parent that will care for him! I care about him! I love him!"

"Mrs. Kaulitz, I strongly suggest you don't lash out on my client. He's cares about the boy."

"Your client doesn't give two fucks about him! I found someone besides myself and Tom who loves him. You won't take him from me because you've got this need to take everything! You only want him because my mother promised those boys a trust fund and you know Tom won't give you a dime but Bill will."

"I'm appalled at you. I care about our sons."

"Then why are you only fighting for Bill?! Your honor, this man is only out for money and doesn't care about the children. Don't grant him custody or even partial custody. He wants to keep our son doped up so he can steal every penny that his grandmother intends to give him."

The judge looked at my mother and then Jörg. 

"Looking at the case before me and the evidence provided, I can see how this case is very one sided. Mr. Kaulitz, you have no means for caring for Bill and his epilepsy needs. Your home isn't in the condition that I deem safe for someone with seizures. You don't even know of your son's interests. I'm approving Ms. Simone's restraining order. 

If you come within a mile of her, her children and her home, you'll be arrested. You are to also sign this divorce that compels you to not only return her car to her but you must pay a monthly alimony of one thousand euros per child until they reach eighteen."

Once the gavel came down, I felt that everything would finally get better for us.


	2. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making music is all Bill wants to do now. He doesn't want anything to hinder those chances and he wants no drama. He just wants to live and forget.

Third show tonight and each time I get on that stage, I feel more and more vitalized. The fans give me this new energy I've never felt before. I get this rush of adrenaline and it feeds me the whole show. Tom was pumped and so was I. He was adjusting his guitar with Georg and I was fixing my hair. The girls loved my hair, my clothes and my makeup. Gustav was wherever Gustav goes before a show.

"Bill, don't forget to take your medication!" Tom called. 

"I won't, and you don't forget your lucky guitar pick."

He searched all over and tried to find it. I pulled the tiny piece of plastic from my pocket and handed it to him. He playfully punched my shoulder and went back to strumming his guitar. Tom was the best brother ever. He supported me every day and I honestly wouldn't replace him. The door behind me opened and I turned to see my mother with some strange man. 

"Mom, who's this?" Tom asked. 

"Boys, this is someone I would love if you all got acquainted with. This is Adam Lambert from the Forever Companion program."

"Is that like a German version of the Make A Wish foundation?"

"No, he's not dying. He's here as a companion for Bill."

"A what?!"

"Adam comes from a program that pairs epileptic teens with older companions."

"Mom, I don't need a fucking watch dog! I've been incident free for four years."

"Sweetie, I'm just thinking about the what if's. What if Tom or me or the g's or the team aren't around and you have a seizure? Imagine the risks! This is good for you. Now you two get acquainted."

I sneered at her and all she did was pat him on the back and smile. 

"Hi, I'm Adam."

"I know, she kind of introduced you. Your German is terrible, where are you from?"

"California but I was born in Indiana."

"You were? Why are you in Europe then? Aren't there like teens like me in America?"

"Seizure alert dogs are more popular in America. This program provides companions for international purposes."

"Where do you live?"

"Currently with your family. I serve as an in house nurse I guess."

" _Great_." I droned sarcastically. 

"I can't believe I'm a companion to huge star though."

"Yeah, um how old are you?"

"Twenty four."

" _Great_."

I applied my final ring of liner and sighed into the mirror. Does mom really not trust me to take care of myself? Tom looks betrayed too. He was helping me with my management and mom carts this pervert in here. I guess you could say that I'm slightly upset by this. 

"Bill, five minutes!"

"Alright!" I called back. "Look, I have to get out there so you can stay here and watch the show from those monitors."

"I am a grown man. You don't have to order me around. We are supposed to be friends."

"No, you're supposed to watch me like I'm going to drop to the ground and have a seizure every second of the day. This relationship will be nothing more than business."

"I can be a better compa---."

I rolled my eyes and exited out the door to the stage. My mother looked a little too eager standing by the bathrooms. I simply threw her a thumbs up and went to the backstage area. With microphone in hand, I carefully found my spot and waited for my cue. Every show gives me jitters. But I was slightly frustrated by this stupid companion shit. 

I hadn't even thought of the sheer unpredictability of my disorder. I just thought of my career, something I would never sacrifice. Nothing was coming between me and my music. Pulling myself out of the deep bowels of my mind, I got onto the stage and my adrenaline kicked in once I got the full effect of the screams. The front of the stage was already littered with various fan gifts ranging from panties and bras to stuffed animals. 

It was great being on stage. I loved it. This whole feeling was tossing me into a alternate universe where I'm a normal teenager achieving his dreams. I felt the music right down to my core. The screams, the music, the whole experience got me high. Who needed drugs when you got this? Drugs?! Oh no, I forgot to take those pills! Dammit, oh well. I feel great. I'll admit to being careless but what teenager isn't. I'm allowed to be careless, epilepsy or no epilepsy. This is my life and these are my choices. Mom will blow a gasket and I'm sure that gay companion will give me some shit lecture about responsibility. 

Gordon...he'll just be disappointed and Tom will be disappointed too. I don't care. Nothing could ruin this moment. I decided to go to the front of the stage and get a feel from the crowd there. The girls and some guys were losing their minds like we were gods or something. I scanned the crowd and smiled until I spotted _him_. My heart leaped from my chest into my mouth. Why now?! Can't I enjoy something without having to dwell in a past I don't care for?! Don't let him bug you, Bill. Just finish your show. 

The fans screamed as loud as they could and that helped me ignore my present issue with that person. Bile rose in my throat at the thought of him. Trying to get me to go home with you is one thing but to say I was poisoned by the one woman who cared about me was crossing the line. If I could stab him I would. No one insults my mother that way. Disregarding my anger, I prepared for Schrei. Another one of our many hits. Durch Den Monsun opened those doors for us. I wrote that song for Georg's sister. God, she's beautiful. I'd do anything for her. If only she'd notice me. I'm famous now, maybe she does. 

Tom was hoping I'd get over my crush on her but no such thing. That girl made my insides all warm and made my toes crinkle up in my Adidas. I spotted her perky nose and green eyes in the front row. Sasha finally noticed me, can't let that goddess down. I'll perform extra hard for her. I jumped higher for her, sang louder and smiled wider. The fans had no idea that a girl made me work this hard, they believed it's their energy and I'll let them continue to believe that. I'm running on Sasha fumes. It's free to admire but costs to interact. Her face was all I needed tonight. I forgot about my dad being here and I forgot about my careless actions from earlier. Sasha was my light right now, and that girl was all the light I needed.

~*~

Bill seemed extra happy during pack up. He was humming DDM, that meant one thing. I pulled Georg aside and looked for people.

"Why didn't you tell me that Sasha was here?"

"Didn't think it mattered."

"Of course it matters! Your sister has my brother wrapped around her pretty little finger. Bill would go into a mafia infested neighborhood and kill their leader if it meant pleasing her. You are obligated to tell me when she's in attendance! For Bill's safety."

"I thought she was staying home. My mom told me she was. I didn't know she was coming."

"Who the fuck invited her?"

"I don't know and I don't care."

I sighed and went back into the room. Mom was biting her nails and she never does that. 

"What's going on?"

"Tom, this isn't good. The guards tell me that your father is here."

"I know Gordon's here. He's right there."

"No, not Gordon, Jörg." She clarified. 

"How'd he even get a ticket?!"

"He bought one. I just told Bill and he's locked himself in the bathroom."

I glanced over and saw Adam trying to get Bill to come out. I groaned and walked over. I spotted his pills on the table and panic set it. He didn't take them! That idiot! 

"Mom, find the venue maintenance room and get the keys to this bathroom. I'll try and get him to come out."

She nodded and left to find someone. I turned to Adam and pushed him to the side. He wasn't getting through to him. 

"Bill, it's Tom. Come out here! You haven't taken your medication and you need it."

"But dad's here?! What if he's trying to take me away?"

"Bill, you're seventeen Jörg wouldn't benefit from you being with him. Please come out!" I pleaded. 

The door unlocked and creaked open. Bill peered his head out and sniffled. 

"It's going to be okay, Bill. I'll be here for you." Adam piped up. 

"Adam, go find my mother and tell her that the crisis has been averted." I sighed before Bill got the opportunity to punch him in the face. 

He looked between us and left the room. I pulled Bill into my body and hugged him. He didn't like being so out of control but I wouldn't let him feel like he's alone. He needed me right now. I slowly moved us to the table and picked up the pills. 

"Bill, take these for me, please. You're trembling. I'll get you a glass of water."

He nodded into my chest and I left him to sit on the couch in the green room. I grabbed a water from the cooler just outside the door and stepped back inside. He had his face hidden with his hands and I could hear him sniffling. Adam had returned with my mother from the other door toward the back. 

"How's he doing?"

"I'm going to give him his medicine and take him back to the bus."

"Good, so take Adam with you, show him the extra bunk that he'll be sleeping in."

"The one next to Bill?"

"Yes, now go."

I groaned and watched Bill with trembling hands take the drugs his doctor prescribed. Bill seemed frustrated and distraught but no tears fell. He just sniffled like he had some sinus problem. His eyes were red from him crying earlier. His usually proud stance had turned to a slump and he looked like he'd been through WWII. That's a dark joke to make but it's true. 

As we walked back, Adam had his hands tucked into the sleeves of his hoodie. 

"So Adam, why'd you join the program?"

"I wanted to travel and help people."

"Help them do what exactly?" Bill snapped. "I don't need your fucking help, or anyone else's."

"I just wanted to lend a hand that's all."

"What's a twenty four year old man doing in Europe helping epileptic teens? Huh, you fucking pedophile?!"

"I think that you guys should have human companions that'll be there for you."

"I don't need you! I've got a companion, Tom. So you can find my mother and call your boss and leave! Cause I don't want you here! I don't need some fucking pervert reminding me everyday that no matter how hard I try, I can never be truly alone!"

He stormed off leaving me alone with the guy. I wanted to apologize to him because he didn't deserve that. He was given a job without Bill even knowing that he was to arrive. I can imagine the emotions that must be running through his head. A non German native bunking with a German band in Europe. Being Caucasian won't cut it here. His German is really cheap. Like he studied a book and not actually the language or culture. 

German culture has been drowned in the states. This man serves as a perfect example. He tried to look native with the blue hoodie, black skinny jeans and all black converse. Did he assume that all German guys are punks, skaters, goths, and emos? Ugh, to think I was excited to see America. If this is the kind of ignorance I've got to stomach, they can keep America in America. 

But switching gears back to Bill, I know he's pissed. Mom has gone behind his back before and let's just say it wasn't pretty. Just imagine two hot headed, violent, stubborn, and vulgar people in the same damn room, my only advice would be to leave as fast as you can. Don't hesitate, just go. Bill only broke a table and two lamps that night. Imagine what he'd do to someone's face given the right incentive? I shudder just thinking about it. 

So when I say Adam is in deep shit, he's in deep shit. Bill will make his time here a living hell, with that attitude and his temper, oh yeah best believe that Bill is going to make trouble. All I'm going to do is step back and pull him off when it gets too crazy. 

I glanced at Adam again and he looked dejected, like an abandoned puppy. Again, I want to apologize but what if he gets angry or is passive aggressive and won't hit me until I've gotten him so pissed he can't take my shit anymore? I piss my brother off way too much. New Years resolution: Stop pissing Bill off. It's literally suicide. But I never will follow my own advice. I'll probably steal his pants and he'll clobber me for it. This whole situation is out of my control. It's up to Bill to make the right choices. 

When we returned to the bus finally, Bill was writing out a new song in his book. He rarely ever showed how he was feeling. He would hold back his tears and would hide away while he cried. I wish he'd show me how he felt or at least tell me. Those bursts of anger only allow one feeling and that's the rage he has about a situation. He glared at Adam and mumbled a curse under his breath. 

"I'll show you your bunk."

He nodded and followed behind me. I could feel Bill was watching us. I wasn't going to get into his drama right now. I just wanted him to see that it's not so bad. It's like having an extra body guard. It's not like dad's here and it's him that I'm taking to a bunk. It's just this guy. He seems harmless. But those are the ones you watch. The smiley, I love the world type. They're the ones who kill you in your sleep. 

"So um Adam, why did you really join this program? I've been told epilepsy is an underground disorder in many countries including America."

"My ex boyfriend had it. He was okay though, took all the medication and saw his doctors regularly. But the one day he had a seizure, I didn't know what to do. We fought about it and he broke up with me. I decided that I want to help people who are like him. That's why I joined."

"Well, welcome to the team. I'll admit that I was a little upset with you being here. I can watch my brother but I guess four sets of eyes are better than two."

"Thank you."

"Why don't you go on up to the lounge while I talk to Bill."

We split off and I found my brother drinking coffee in the dining area. He casted his book aside and sat there with a weird expression on his face. I sat in front of him and held his free hand on the table. He looked up at me and I smiled weakly. His eyes went to to window, when I followed his gaze I saw mom arguing with dad. She was telling him to stay away judging by her hands. 

"Bill, you said something earlier, about never being truly alone..."

His head snapped in my direction and he sighed. 

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Bill, please, I know this whole situation is a little crazy but you've got to find some silver lining."

"What silver lining? Mom, doesn't trust me alone! You're getting all buddy-buddy with him so you can leave me too. Everybody around me just wants to up and leave but can't because I'm holding them back."

"That's not true." I defended. 

"It's true! You want me to be with him, so you can go fuck some whore while I'm with him. You want to have a life but my disability won't let you. Don't lie to me!"

"Bill, I don't know who told you this shit but it's not true."

"Yes it is. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

He got up and went to his bunk. I slammed my face onto the table and sighed. Why would he think we want to leave him? I don't want to leave him. We are supposed to be together forever. Why would he think...my thought was interrupted by the bus door opening and my mother arguing with dad came barging in. 

"...look I just wanna see him."

"And I said no, now leave!"

I glared at my father and it took every fiber in my being to not kill him. He fucking ruined our lives. Bill isn't able to trust anyone. I hate that he's the reason my brother fears actually falling in love. 

"Bill doesn't want to see you and neither do I. You're trespassing on our bus. Leave, Jörg, before I call security."

He groaned and stormed off. 

"Why was he here, mom?"

"He still wants to talk to Bill. I told him no and that's how it is. How's everything going with Adam?"

"Bill still doesn't like him. Mom, why didn't you run this by Bill first?"

"I was trying to find him another friend. An older one that'll be more helpful in case there's an incident."

"I don't think he wants that."

"I only wish to help him. I'm worried that he'll get hurt. Adam will be able to allow him to assert independence."

"How will he do that?!"

I turned and saw an even more pissed Bill. He was turning red practically. His fists were tightly clenched and you could see the angry lines on his face. I've seen him make this face once and it was followed by a swift punch to the face. Yeah, it looks like I'll have to stand between him and my mother. He got closer and I could hear him grinding down his teeth. The anger he was feeling was slowly transferring into my head and I wasn't angry I just felt his emotions. 

"Bill, he could go with you places and he won't be as intimidating as your bodyguards. You could go grab a coffee without getting the press circus."

"Mom, I'm sick of you making all these decisions for me! Last year, you thought it's be cool to get me a medication alarm system and that nearly gave me heart problems every time that thing went off."

"I know and I'm sorry. But this time I want to do something right. Please just give him a chance."

Bill groaned and looked at me. 

"Fine, I'll do it but only because you asked. On to something more important, why did that asshole show his face in this place tonight?! Who allowed him in?!"

"The ticket clerk said she didn't recognize him."

"Mom, I wrote a list and he shouldn't have been here."

"I can go where I please."

"Get out of my bus, asshole!" 

"Bill, your mother has corrupted you. I'm here to make sure you don't just go along with her lies!"

"My mom has done nothing but look out for me. You just want money! Get out of here before I call the cops!"

"Bill, you don't need to get angry at me. I want you safe and you have to listen to me."

Before I could stop him, he lunged at our father and hit him in the face. Mom helped me pull him off and I held him by his waist. 

"What did you do to our son?"

"Jörg I think you should leave. Bill is angry and might attack you again."

"You've corrupted our son. I can't believe you'd do this!"

"She's done nothing to me! Get out of here before I kill you!"

"Jörg, just leave. Bill doesn't want you here, I don't want you, and Tom doesn't want you here. You're just taking up space."

"Fine, but I'll be back."

I had to carry Bill back to the lounge and he glared at Adam. 

"I'm promised my mother that I'd give you a chance so I'll give you a chance."

"Thanks."

"Yeah, yeah just don't fuck up."

"I won't. Now how about we get to know each other."

"Fine, my name is Bill Kaulitz. Bill isn't short for anything. I'm ten minutes younger than Tom. He's my twin despite what misconceptions you may have. I'm seventeen and my favorite color is black."

"No I mean actual things I can't google."

"That's personal."

"Well, we've gotta get to know one another."

Bill just sighed and left. He's not one to talk to much about himself. Adam looked as if he failed something even though that's not the case. My brother just doesn't talk about his life. He feels that enough personal information is out there about us that he shouldn't talk about himself. He always brings stuff back to the band. 

I would've told Adam that but it wasn't my business to tell. Eventually Bill will tell him and I'll just stand there and watch it happen. I've tried to loosen up around him and not be so overbearing. Mom does enough of that. I more or less just help him when he needs me. I'll stand by his side and defend him but I want him to have as much independence as he can. My brother faces a lot of rejection, I'm there to make sure no one takes advantage of him. 

"Who's Sasha?" Adam asked. 

"How'd you know about her?"

"This letter that I found on the couch. I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's cool. She's Georg's sister that Bill is fascinated with. That girl is no good for him though. She only wants what he can get her. He allows it too."

"If you're done talking about me to him."

"Sorry Bill. I just want him to get to know you a little better."

"Look, he'll know what I want him to. How are we supposed to know that he's not a reporter?"

"He's not. This guy is literally a total barnacle."

"Please don't talk about me like I'm not in the room."

"Sorry. But Bill he isn't a reporter. You should try and open up a little more. I'm right here and I'll protect you."

"From what?! My feelings?! Tom, you're an idiot. Look, it's late and we've all had long days. Let's all just get to bed."

"Fine." I sighed. 

I guess tonight wasn't the night that I find out what Bill meant about being alone. He found a way to avoid by saying we would leave him. He thinks I didn't catch on to it but I did. He's not as smart as he thinks he is. He tries to avoid difficult questioning with instant deviations. He'll start talking about something totally random or he'll start a random argument about something completely ridiculous. I've been with him long enough to know all of his tricks. 

Tricks he won't pull on me anymore.


	3. 3

Bill hates me and I don't blame him. I'm the worst companion ever. This is not supposed to be this difficult. My friend told me that most of the kids liked having us around. But he just hates me. Ugh, why didn't I take the leadership course? I rushed this whole thing. Bill didn't want me here. I want to help but right now I'm more of a idiotic nuisance. Why am I so intimidated by a teenager?! He's a baby compared to me. 

I have to do something to make him like me. I'm going to be stuck with him until he turns twenty one. I promised Neil I wouldn't quit. I must do something that'll change his perception of me. I'm the first one awake this morning, I should make him breakfast. His mother told me that he usually grabs a piece of fruit and some cereal before running to complete his schedule of duties. 

I decided to make bacon, eggs and toast. I hoped he'd like it. So when I heard the sounds of him getting up, I quickly set his seat and my own. Tom was first, how ironic, and then Bill slowly pulled in behind him. I smiled and went back to staring at my plate. 

"Good morning, Adam. Was my mom here this morning?" Tom yawned. 

"No, I uh decided to make breakfast."

I glanced over his shoulder to look at Bill. He was using Tom as a crutch because I was told he's not a morning person. Tom was a little more awake at this hour but still just as tired. The twins sat across from me and Bill stayed put while Tom ate. 

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he likes to wait before eating to see if he woke up with jerks."

"Oh, that wasn't included in the folder they gave me."

"That's odd. It's usually in there."

"Yeah, I know. So um how long does he normally wait?"

"Until either I, Georg, Gustav, mom, or Gordon, tells him if he's jerked or not. But I guess until you've told him."

I nodded and started to eat. Bill was still hunched over in his seat, his eyes shielded by his thick mane of hair. I occasionally looked over at him and he stayed the same. I was munching on bacon when Tom's arm swung out in front of Bill to keep him from hitting the table. Bill looked humiliated when it was over. 

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Tom."

He nodded and went back to eating. Bill still hadn't picked up his fork or anything. I deduced that it meant he probably had more than one of those jerks. I wondered if he's even aware they happen, he did seem embarrassed. But I didn't say anything because he might lash out on me. Tom kept that hand over Bill though. His brother didn't seem to mind. He seemed to just take it. Was this what I was supposed to do? They didn't tell me the nature of his epilepsy. They want us to ask the teen so we can bond. But he won't even talk to me. 

"I'm fine, Tom."

"You're trembling, I'll tell you when you're fine."

Before Bill could respond to his brother his body jerked again. That seemed to silence his protests. Bill probably didn't even want to speak about anything personal. I googled him on the flight here and nothing about seizures came up. I'm sure he hasn't even told his fans. He ran a hand through his hair and sunk into the seat. I could see the smaller jerks run through his body, they appeared like shivers. 

"I'm going to lay down." He muttered. 

"No, you're staying right here. You aren't walking while you're jerking. You could fall."

"Just...on the couch over there."

"Stay put." Tom directed sternly. 

Bill simply stayed put and sunk into the seat. He must hate this or...

"Bill, what are you feeling right now?" I asked. 

"Why?"

"Just tell me."

"Fine, the...back of my neck feels weird."

"Tom, move him away from the table."

Just as he moved Bill back his entire body slumped forward. Tom kept him from hitting the floor but he was unconscious. 

"How'd you know?"

"Call it intuition. My ex claimed I never paid attention but I did. Before his drops, his neck would feel funny and he'd beg me to lay down."

"Doesn't...make you a hero...Adam." He breathed. 

"I'm not trying to be a hero. I am just doing my job."

"You know what?! I hate you! I don't like you and I don't think I ever will."

"Why?! You don't even know me!"

"You're useless, I have Tom to help me."

"Stop calling me useless! My ex did that and I'm not letting you do the same!"

"Well he was right!"

I bit my tongue and looked away. My food was finished and I just left. I'm not about to be insulted like this. First the faggot jokes and now being called useless. Yeah, no. I'm not doing this. Once I was alone in the lounge area I sat down and let out those tears. I didn't mean to cry but it hurts to be told by two people that you're useless. I guess I can't do good no matter what I do. I just fuck everything up. I can't even be someone's friend with them hating me. Of course you got those people who just don't hold compassion in their heart. I'm guessing Bill is one of those people. He wasn't even willing to give me a chance. Why'd he say he would when he knew he wouldn't? I hate liars. My father lied to me and he said he'd love me forever. He told me that no matter what he'd love me. Once I came out to him, he shunned me, said that what I do is against God. His God isn't mine. 

This program was supposed to be my ticket to acceptance. To do whatever I can to help someone and prove that I'm not useless, for idle hands make the Devil's work, as my mother used to alway say. I chose Bill because living in Germany seemed like a cool idea. I learned German, granted it's not the best but I learned it. I wanted him to be comfortable. Why is it that when I try, others don't do the same? He casted me aside like yesterday's trash. Why is a seventeen year kid making me so emotional? I should march down there and tell him to respect me. Oh who am I kidding? I've always been a sensitive little bitch. I cried whenever something happened to me. 

I guess Bill deserves a companion who can actually do his job like Tom or someone else. I'm just a man looking for purpose. Purpose I don't have because I chose to be a pushover. I let everyone rule my life and tell me what to do. It's not like I did anything exciting in my life. I am a LA boy with nothing but a need for purpose.

~*~

"You could've been a little nicer to him. I mean he did make breakfast."

"I'm sorry, did you just tell me to be nice to the person who's supposed to replace you?! Tom, you stand by my side not that faggot pedophile!"

"He's not replacing me. He's helping me. If he didn't tell me to back you up, you'd have a bruise on your face. How're you gonna cover that one up?" 

Bill groaned at me and slowly picked at his breakfast. He didn't drink his orange juice seeing as how he was still having myoclonic jerks. I found the small camera and placed it on front of us for record. Mom wants to record every event and I made sure to note that this was happening for at least ten minutes prior to recording and that he had an drop. 

"Tom...I don't wanna get to know him."

"It's tough, I know but here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to bring him back in here and you'll apologize and you'll treat him with the respect he deserves. Look, I know how you feel. But he's not going away and we've gotta live with it."

"But...it's not fair."

"Eat your breakfast. I'll grab the Ativan because these jerks are getting too close. And I'm grabbing Adam."

"Ugh...fine."

"Be nice." I warned. "Tell him a bit about yourself."

He just waved me off while munching bacon. I heard sniffling coming from the lounge and I followed it to Adam crying on the couch. He was gazing out the window and it was a sad sight to see. I bent down to get the rescue medication from the medicine drawer, the place we keep all of Bill's medication. Mom was worried he'd OD or something. Adam looked over at me, I could feel the heat on my neck. I gently closed the drawer with the needle in hand. He looked very confused through his tears. I'm not normally this nice. I guess pity rubbed off on me. I sighed and stood to my full height. 

"What's that?"

"Oh this? It's nothing, Bill, his jerks are getting too close. One injection of this and hopefully he'll come out of it. If not, we will have to wait it out."

"Tom, why does he hate me?"

"You're twenty four, right?"

"Mhmm."

"Our dad was twenty four when he left. Bill and I were three. Mom was twenty. I guess he's seeing dad in you."

"You think so?"

I knew the real reason would be revealed to me. He's scared of being alone but it's why I don't get. He's always been pretty independent. Mom let him go to the store alone from age six. She wanted me to tag along on his bad days. At that age, during Bill's seizures, I'd always protect his head. I thought his head was broken and I was the cushion that prevented any further damage. Now I can cause him harm from that. Back then when Bill had a seizure, mom would say he had a "shakey". I kind of laugh at that now. Not all of his seizures were convulsive. Like those screaming fits that usually happen in his sleep. Those I thought were nightmares as a child. But now I know what every seizure he has looks like. I spent the time researching epilepsy growing up. I wanted to know everything I could about seizures and first aid for a seizure. 

"Bill is stubborn and holds grudges. The day you arrived our father also made an appearance. He was kind of pissed about that."

"But that had nothing to do with me. I feel like he hates me because I'm just useless. I was too anxious to fully pay attention during my training. I remember very little from the training course."

"Everyone is entitled to one chance at an opportunity. Whether you succeed or fail is completely up to you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Now come on. Bill promised to be nice."

We walked back into the dining area and Bill was eating his eggs. Georg and Gustav had also decided to join us. I sat next to Bill and took his arm. I cleaned the injection site and injected him. I massaged the muscle to distribute the medicine and to avoid bruising. Georg was drinking coffee while Gustav ate toast, okay sleep-nibbled toast. His head balanced on his left fist while he kept the lightly toasted wheat bread in his right hand perched in his mouth. He must've been tired because he would normally scarf down food. 

"So Adam, it's my turn to go shopping, do you wanna tag along? You know, go shopping with Bill?"

"Uh, sure I'd love too."

"Great."

~*~

He jumped up and disappeared into the bathroom. I watched anxious just hoping he'd forgotten his towel and came out shirtless looking for it. I have to admit that both Bill and Tom are gorgeous. Bill was more feminine beauty with the narrow face and seductive eyes while Tom was manly beauty. He had the same narrow face but his makeup bare look was so tantalizing. I wanted to just, I don't know what I want to do. But these boys were all good looking. This is the first I've seen a band where all the men are cute.

Tom soon went to the bunk area, I guess to grab an outfit for the day. I was left with the g's. Georg and Gustav...? I'm horrible with names. I guess it's good that I'm not in a quiz show because I might've failed that one. I'm sorry but I only saw them on stage and names aren't said. I heard them in passing. I guess I just needed to be more acquainted with the whole band. 

"So..." I started. "when'd you guys start this group?"

"About five or six years ago. Bill and Tom were pre-pubescent teens then." Georg replied. 

"How'd you meet?"

"At their show in this club in Magdeburg."

"Ah, was it good?"

"We _are_ in the band ain't we?"

"Of course. I'm a little slow forgive me."

Georg sipped his coffee and chuckled. 

"So um, Tom told me about Sasha..."

"Yeah, she's my sister and I don't care what insults you throw at her. She ignores me, Tom, and Gustav. It's all about Bill. She even treats me like I'm shit and I'm her blood brother."

"That's terrible and Bill likes her?"

"No, the correct term would be obsessed. He's obsessed with her. That kid would do anything for her." Gustav added. 

I didn't get why most people were willing to sacrifice themselves for those who weren't willing to do the same. I'd never stick my neck out for anyone who's irrelevant to my development as a person. I'm gay so I have to make sure that the man I'm with loves me. He has to love me as much as I love him. Nothing short of it either. But to think that Mr. Independence is obsessed with a girl. It's interesting to me. He just interests me with his mannerisms and the way he speaks and even how he walks. 

I've seen very few confident teenagers. Most are very unstable and they whine about everything. But he doesn't seem like the type who needs validation from some girl. I found this to be very shocking. Georg sipped more of his coffee and looked solemnly out the window. He had this long distance look as if he's been stressed for a while. His frown lines were pretty deep, like waves of skin forming around his face. He and I were about the same age and I didn't look that bad. 

"I hope Bill finds his head soon. Sasha's no good. She's going to hurt him and we've all told him that."

"Did you ever tell him that?"

"No, not like it matters. He won't listen."

He got up and went into the bunk area. I watched him leave and soon Bill came out wearing his usual attire. He didn't do his hair though. He just left it on his shoulders. He was very fascinated with his phone. I didn't see Tom so I'm guessing he's not coming. But Bill usually travels with him. Simone told me that they're as thick as thieves. This must've been odd to see them alone. I mean in the two days I've been here, I've never seen them alone. Judging by the expression on Tom's face when he finally came into view, some words were exchanged. I just pulled my sweater on and watched Tom brush pass his brother. 

"What's wrong?" I asked. 

"He's texting that whore again. I swear, he needs a distraction from her." 

"Well maybe you can be that distraction. On your off day, you guys can go somewhere. Or we can go somewhere."

"That's actually not a bad idea. Thanks Adam."

"I'm supposed to be Bill's companion but if I'm to work I have to make peace with everyone."

"Well, you're doing a good job."

"Adam, are you coming or what? Is my twin more entertaining to you? He's not gay."

"Bill, be nice." Tom warned. 

"That's me being nice. Now let's go."

I followed Bill out of the bus and the rush of fresh air took me by surprise. I had never been to the country. The smells were fresher and the sun was brighter. This I something I could get used to. Bill sneezed a little and mumbled something. It sounded like he said he hates nature. How could you hate something this beautiful? I always wanted to travel and see other countries. This is probably the most amazing thing ever. I love this place. The bus had parked in this grassy meadow type thing. The nearest city was about a thirty minute walk away from here. I'd enjoy every minute of it. The sounds and smells of Germany were a lot different than those in LA. I no longer regret leaving my whole family behind to pursue this career. My mother was worried but I can safely tell her that things here are great. 

"Are you done being a fucking tourist?"

"It's beautiful out here."

"I hate nature. It's dirty, bleak and everything is untamed."

"But it's the world's way of saying hello. When a gentle breeze blows pass you, when you hear a birdy whistling. It's all so cute."

"To you. I prefer to be in my house, reading vogue and sipping wine."

I covered my chuckle. You'd think he'd enjoy this because he's constantly on the road but I'd never expect him to be so much like me. While I enjoy the outdoors, I prefer to be indoors, reading a fashion magazine, and drinking either champagne or wine. It's so cute to hear him saying the same thing. It's nice to know we have some common interests and maybe I can use those to bond with him. He'll see that I'm not as dumb or useless. 

Time to execute plan: Make Bill Like Me.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's drama at every corner

I walked behind Bill while he placed the things from his list into the basket. It wasn't much just some bread, tissue and cleaners. But he seemed like he was more interested in his phone. Tom said he was talking to Sasha but I wonder why. If everyone around him says she's a bad person why doesn't he just leave the girl alone. It's almost as if he purposely wants this girl to break his heart.

He would occasionally look up to see where he was and then back at his phone. We walked into several aisles and he'd stop occasionally to stop and take a photo with a fan. He got to the candy aisle and started to look for a candy he'd most likely share with Tom or eat to himself. I looked around and tried to find something to strike up a conversation. There was nothing but random assorted candies.

"I noticed you skipped over the chocolate."

"I don't like chocolate."

"You don't like nature or chocolate? Uh oh, looks like we got a serial killer in the making over here."

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"Well, yeah, cause you hate the things that make everyone happy."

"Look, I hate nature because I'm allergic to mosquito bites. I'm not a big fan of chocolate but I don't mind eating it. Am I still a fucking serial killer?"

"I was joking."

"Well your jokes aren't funny. Ugh, just remain silent for the rest of our trip."

He scanned the candy aisle while I stayed preoccupied with my nails. The color was peeling and I felt compelled to just walk away. Why did this teenager make me feel this way? I noticed he was walking ahead of me and I jogged to catch up, when I reached him he was frozen in his spot with the shopping basket shoved to his side. I caught sight of this man who looked like an older version of him. I waved a hand in front of Bill's face and tried to get his attention.

"Bill, what's wrong?"

The man got closer and Bill reached out and grabbed my sleeve. He must've been terrified. I gently pulled him back and stood in front of him, allowing him to hide behind me. The man stopped in front of us and grinned.

"Bill, why are you hiding from me?"

He simply whimpered and I felt he was trembling behind me. Whether it was fear or something else I wouldn't know unless I looked at him. But I looked at this man with the heaviest glare I could muster. I put my arms back to reassure Bill that I wasn't leaving, that he could shield himself behind me. The man before us reached out to touch him and I smacked his hand away from Bill.

"What are you supposed to be?"

"I am his companion. I am supposed to protect him from things that may harm him and to be his friend. You're making him nervous and scared so I have to protect him from you."

"Move it, bodyguard! That's my son."

"You're not Gordon Trumper."

"No, I'm his real daddy."

"Look, Bill obviously doesn't want to see you so go away."

"You're going to let this fag talk to me like that, Bill?! Defend your father or has your mother brainwashed you?!"

"L--leave me alone." He stammered.

"You heard him, now go."

He grinded his teeth and groaned. He left and I watched him go. Once I was sure he was gone, I turned to Bill. He was shaking so badly but still standing.

"Bill, are you okay? Talk to me."

His knees buckled and he became dead weight in my arms. I gently laid him down and put him on his side, using my body as a shield to make sure no one knew who it was. If he wanted the world to know he has epilepsy he'd tell them. I made sure people kept walking and didn't stop. I know that I'm supposed to record but right now he needs privacy.

When he was finally calm, I gently transitioned him onto my back and pulled the cart with my other hand. I don't know how I managed to carry his six foot ass and those bags but I accomplished it. We arrived at the bus and I had to kick the door so someone would open it. Tom came to the door and he took the bags from me.

With his help, we got him in bed. He was fast asleep which was a saving grace.

"What happened?" Tom asked.

"Your dad was at the shopping center and Bill went into a panic attack or a seizure, one of the two. I couldn't tell."

"Okay, he's sleeping now but why was our father even---did anyone see Bill collapse?"

"No, I shielded his face with my body. I kept all onlookers away. I think I broke a lady's phone when I smacked it away."

"Well that's one saving grace. Okay, just let him sleep. I'm give him something before he hurls."

"He vomits a lot?"

"Only after a seizure. No matter how small, he gets sick to his stomach and pukes. So mom and I'll will give him a shot that keeps it down."

"Sounds complicated."

"It's not really. Just a jab to the thigh or shoulder and he's good to go. Learn how to do this from my mom, you're going to need it."

~*~

Time to call home. My mom is probably going to lecture me. I promised I'd call but so far all I've done is worry about Bill liking me. I'm old enough to neglect from checking in every two seconds. So once I had a moment alone, I found a space alone and called my mother, she didn't answer, probably mad that I waited so long to call.

When I sighed and turned around, Bill was hovering in the doorway with this solemn, regretful look on his face. He looked so weak and drawn from, red streaks were making patches on his pale face indicating he had been crying. He had dark purple shadows under his eyes that appeared like bruises under his eyes.

"T--Tom told me what you did. Thanks."

"It's my job. You don't have to thank me for it."

"But you did a great job at your job despite me treating you like shit."

"Bill, I am usually treated like shit. I'm gay and in America, society sees that as a problem. I can't do anything I want to without someone saying something about it. So yeah I'm a little bummed about it. But what can I say. I'm used to it."

"How long have you know---."

"What's wrong?"

I followed his eyes out the window and saw that yet again his father was approaching the bus. He sat down next to me and rubbed his legs. I could see he was clearly distressed.

"I'm not normally this way. I'm just so...I don't know...angry but I'm tired of being angry and now I'm scared."

"Why?"

"He can still take my mother to court and he can still get custody of me. I'm a celebrity now and that means money for him."

"Well you're also a thinking individual and you can object."

"I'm a thinking individual with a neurological disorder."

"So what? That's like saying I've no control over my actions cause I'm gay. Bill, you're old enough to say no."

"Tell him that. He thinks my mom has corrupted me. I can't think when he's around."

"Why?"

"He bugs me right to the core. I've tried to get over him abandoning me but it still hurts. I want him to just die for it."

"Is that why you had a panic attack in the store?"

"Yeah. I know how much he could ruin my life and yet I don't have the stomach to tell anyone."

"You just told me."

"And I don't know why I did? Look, Adam, I'm just uncomfortable around anyone who's new into my life. I'm scared that that person may hurt me."

"If that scares you then why do you like Sasha so much."

"Because...I don't know why actually."

I sighed and before I could speak, I heard arguing. Then I heard angry foot falls on the stairs. Tom was trying to get their father to leave as he was simply shoving the teen back.

"Why are you here?"

"Bill, you need to listen to me. I am your father and you can't allow your mother to corrupt you."

"She's not corrupting me!"

"Bill, I know you don't like faking having a medical condition and it's okay. I'm here and you don't have to."

"I'm not faking it. I really do have seizures, dad. Why don't you believe me?!"

"It's not genetic or hereditary. Where'd it come from?"

"Maybe I'm the first."

"Bill, I'm your dad, you don't have to lie to me."

"I'm not lying."

He groaned and sighed.

"Fine, if you're telling the truth. I want you to let me stay with you on this tour and you won't take a single drug. If you still have these 'seizures' I'll back off and never bother you again."

"He can't do that! It'll kill him!" I exclaimed.

"I'm asking my son."

"Dad, I can't go one day without my medication."

"Then I'll continue to return until you admit that you're lying."

Bill ran his hands through his hair and bit his lip.

"You don't remember all those seizures I had as a child. I wasn't on medication then. My first seizure happened around you and mom was gone. Dad, why won't you just accept it?!"

"I have two normal sons. Besides, it's scientifically impossible for one twin to have something and the other doesn't."

Bill rubbed his arm subconsciously and looked away.

"I'm going to go lie down."

He got up and disappeared into the bunk area. I stared at their father with intense eyes and groaned.

"Bill doesn't deserve this. He's trying really hard to make so many people happy when he has to face his own demons. You're not making this easier for him. He's sick and needs to think of his health."

"My son isn't sick! His mother is forcing him into faking this 'epilepsy' nonsense."

"It's not nonsense, dad! Bill has to live every damn day with this shit! I've watched his energy be drained and slip away as he loses control of his own body! It tears me apart every time you call it fake!"

"Your mother has you on her bandwagon too? I thought you were smarter than that."

Tom groaned and disappeared into the bunk area.

"Why are you even here?" Their dad sneered.

"I'm Bill's companion. I help him when he has seizures. And from what his mother and stepfather have told me they're very real."

"They've fooled you too. This whole family is nuts!"

He stormed out and I sighed. Is that really what Bill has to go through? I couldn't imagine that kind of verbal abuse. I'd be forced to kill myself or something. Bill was strong for that. But I hope that this stress doesn't cause anything. Bill doesn't have PNES but after the day he's had, he's probably really fried. Exhaustion isn't good for epileptics. So I can imagine he'd need some sleep. Naturally I went to go check on him and he was sleeping or laying down I couldn't tell. I decided to chill in my bunk and read or something.

~*~

I don't know when I fell asleep but I heard a muffled noise and I immediately got up. Everyone was out except Bill and me. I saw them leave. I got out of my bunk and searched for a light of some sort. I found my phone and it was midnight. I slept for a few hours I guess. My ears traced the noise to the lounge. Bill wasn't in his bunk and panic set in. I quickly went up there and tried to find the light. The noise was slightly louder up here.

"Bill? Are you okay? Can you answer me?"

I found a switch and flipped it up. Bill was laying face down on the couch, convulsions running through his body. I quickly flipped him over and noticed that his lips were blue and there was blood in his saliva. He looked dead. I gently put him down made sure he was on his side. I found his phone and called for an ambulance. I know it sounds rash but he wasn't breathing and I'm not about to take any chances.

I heard the tour bus door open and Tom sauntered in looking panicked.

"Tom?!"

"I felt weird and came back. Where's Bill?"

"I had to call an ambulance and they're on the way. He's not breathing and I don't know how long he's been this way because I fell asleep."

"Okay, that's fine. I'll get my mom. Just stay with him."

I sat down next to him while he shook. The liquid in his mouth wasn't draining so I gently placed his head on my lap and pressed his cheek. I wanted to make sure it didn't choke him. His body was very stiff but still jerking. He must've been in pain. I brushed back his hair and gently rubbed his arms and legs.

"Shhh, it's okay Bill, you're safe. I'm here. Just relax."

I could hear the paramedics outside and the twins' mother arrived shortly before they did. By then he had stopped shaking and he was twitching. I allowed the medical team to work on him. They said he didn't need to go to the hospital he just needed rest. They waited to see if he was okay and he was able to answer little questions while he was lucid. He eventually fell asleep and Tom put him back in his bunk. Simone sat down at the table and sighed when she glanced at my pants.

"Oh he got blood on you, I'm sorry."

"It's alright. It's washable."

"Your first night here was very chaotic." She chuckled. "It's been four long years since he's had a seizure like that. He's had the little ones like twitches or screaming fits but the grand mals had stopped."

"Well he's been through a lot today. He needs sleep."

"I know. Thanks for doing this, Adam."

"I want to help others."

"Which is good!" She chirped. "Bill needs this in his life. He needs you. We were all out and he could've suffocated."

"I fell asleep. If I didn't wake up he still could have suffocated."

"Adam, you did and that's all that matters. I'm sorry to dwell in what ifs. Please don't think of this night as a failure."

"I'll try not to."

"Good, now why don't you go back to sleep? I'm sure Tom is sleeping with Bill until he's positive Bill is okay."

I simply nodded and went back to the bunks. Tom was cooing Bill and I peeked over.

"Is he okay?"

"Just another smaller one. Don't tell my mother. She'll shove a camera in his face."

"So is it convulsive because you aren't supposed to hold them down."

"I know that. I'm trying to get him to calm down. He's always talking about how hearing my voice calms him down."

I watched the twins and realized that they had this codependency thing going on. Tom needs Bill to be sane and to give himself a mission and Bill needs Tom to protect him and to always agree with him. Their relationship could be toxic if it continues. Tom might even fear letting his brother do anything that might harm him. He knows that holding Bill that way could harm him yet I know he won't let him go.

"Tom, I'm not your parents but you have to climb out of Bill's bunk and just let him go through it. It's dangerous for both of you."

"I'm trying to calm him down."

"You can do that from where I'm standing. You don't need to hold him."

"Adam..."

"I won't call you mother but you have to let him go."

He looked at me with teary eyes but did as I said. At least now, Bill could get air, that was my main concern. I brushed his hair back and Tom glared at me.

"I'm doing my job. Now, once he's asleep, you sleep in your bunk. He needs rest."

"He always calls out to me."

"Don't go to him."

"Excuse me?! If my brother calls me because he's scared I'm going to him."

A tear rolled down his face. I sighed and turned to him. I have to nip this in the bud before they push everyone out and become just the two of them, codependent on each other's misery.

"Tom, look, Bill needs to sleep. He can't do that if you're cuddling him and singing. As you can see, your soothing words just woke him from the sleep he was in and caused another seizure. I respect you man but let me do my job. Go back to your bunk after he falls asleep."

"It wasn't me that caused it."

"He was asleep and you woke him. Now, do as I say."

"No, that's my brother."

"And I'm his companion sworn to make sure there isn't another moment in his life lost to seizures. You know how to give medication but I know how to help him. You constantly cuddling him won't get him better it'll just make him sick."

Tom bit his lip and gave me a dark gaze. I knew that in a more private setting he'd definitely have a few choice words for me but for Bill's sake he kept quiet. I reached down into my bunk and got a tissue to wipe his mouth. His limbs just shook it wasn't like a full blown grand mal. His eyes were rolled upward and his mouth was slack but he was breathing okay and just salivating.

"It's almost over, Tom. Remember what I said."

Once Bill went back to sleep, I pulled the blankets over him and closed to the curtain. Tom handed me the shot for his stomach and I injected it before leaving the teen to sleep. I made sure Tom followed behind me to get into his bunk on the lower level. A hand grabbed my sleeve and shoved me into a wall.

"If you ever tell me I make my brother sick, I'll kill you."

"Touch and sound activate more senses which can activate more brain activity and increase likelihood of a seizures." I simply stated.

"You don't get it!" He cried, "My brother needs me."

"He only needs you because you make him need you. You claim you want Bill to be independent but you come running when he's scared."

"You don't know me, Adam! Don't think you do!" He seethed.

"I do know that if you go up there and get into that bed, I'll tell your mother he had a second seizure and that you wanted me to cover it up."

"Are you blackmailing me?"

"No, I'm protecting him."

He chuckled and climbed into his own respective bunk. I went back to my bunk and Bill was partially awake reaching out to the air. I could hear him mumble Tom's name. I simply put his arm back under the covers and closed the curtain.

"Tom's sleeping, you should do the same."

I don't know if it was deliria or the medication but he reached up and pulled my face closer and kissed me.

"Thank you, Adam." He whispered.

His eyes slowly closed and he drifted off to sleep. I touched my lips and backed away. Why would he just spontaneously kiss me? He isn't gay! I'm so confused and I want to tell someone but I don't know who I could tell. I mean I could tell my mother but she'd get angry and tell me to come home because I'm not here to get a boyfriend but I'm here to do a job.

I've never had conflicting emotions. I've got one twin who now hated me and one twin who just kissed me. I can't even bring this up because he might not remember and then he'll accuse me of trying to force myself into him. I'd rather not be the target to Tom's aggression. So I guess until Bill tells me or something hits the fan I'm going to be quiet. I don't know what I'm going to do to keep this hush hush but I'm not saying anything that would give me away and ruin his life.

Bill has a lot of emotions he needs to come to terms with and I'm not going to even begin to add my own emotions. I've thought about him that way and I know he'll be eighteen in nine months too. Why am I thinking of this?! Get your mind out of the gutter, Adam!

I need sleep. It's been a long day and I know that tomorrow or better yet later on today will be even longer.


	5. 5

As everyone ate their breakfast the following morning, sounds of Bill vomiting could be heard from the bathroom. Georg sighed sadly when the teen exited the bathroom, staggering with each step. His hair was sticky with sweat and saliva. The teen absentmindedly reached up and combed his bony fingers through the matted bird's nest. Tom glanced over at his twin and watched as he read the backs of his medication bottles.

"Something wrong?" Adam asked.

"It's nothing really. Um, Tom can you get mom so we can talk in private?"

Bill disappeared into the private lounge area in the lower section of the bus. They used this area to resolve conflicts in the band. It kept the words exchanged from getting publicized. Tom went to get their mother and the two joined him. After what seemed like mere minutes, Simone came up and pulled Adam to a corner.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing too serious. We're just making a stop in the next town so Bill can see his doctor. I wanted to tell you because Bill is scared his medication isn't working. If that's the case he's going to be experiencing more medical emergencies because he'll need to adjust to something new."

"Are you sure it's not just a result of stress? His dad, I'm sorry, your ex husband is harassing him."

"Yes, I know but this could be serious or it could be just a fluke."

"Why does he think it's not working?"

"Well, he took his medication yesterday and still experienced a seizure."

Adam bit his tongue before he told her that he had two seizures and kissed him the night before. Simone had enough on her mind. He'd just have to talk to Bill about that...privately. He was trying his hardest not to just blurt it out. When Bill appeared again, he looked at the ground to avoid meeting the teen's brown eyes. He wanted to protect Bill. He knew the rejection one could experience when something like homosexuality is questioned.

"Bill, are you okay, sweetie?"

"I'm going back to bed. I've taken the medication already and hopefully it works."

Tom followed his brother back to the bunks and Simone faced Adam. She pulled him out of the parked bus and lit up a cigarette. The woman took a few pulls before sighing.

"Is everything alright?"

"Adam, by any means necessary you must keep Bill out of the hospital. I mean it, unless it's an emergency don't contact nine-nine-nine."

"Why?"

"His father is using his medical history against me. It's been four years but if word gets out that Bill might be having medicinal problems, Jörg can take my child from me. Look, Bill only has a few months until he's eighteen. Can you help us keep him incident free until then?"

"I don't know, Mrs. Trumper. This sounds very selfish to me."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm supposed to protect him. I feel like keeping paramedics away is a little careless. The hospital can check for things we can't."

"My son can't go with his father. That man will kill him. I'm looking out for him. Now unless it's an emergency, no ambulances. Bill doesn't need the publicity and we won't give Jörg the satisfaction."

"Fine, I'll try to keep the ambulances away."

She nodded and flicked the cigarette butt into the little crack on the ground. Simone was a woman who made her decisions based on what fact she knew when a decision is to be made. She knew that with Bill and his seizure frequency in the past that child services had her in the red box. She had to keep him from hospitalization again. Jörg could use that. To her everything was a prevention factor. Bringing Adam on board gave her that security that she wanted. He could watch him when she or Tom couldn't.

It wasn't like she didn't trust her son. She just didn't trust the unpredictability of his epilepsy. He could take all the right medications and still have a myoclonic jerk or a atypical absence. Those she didn't mind, easier for her to cover up but those bigger seizures were a whole different ball game. She had to keep Jörg at bay. But at what price?

~*~

They stopped in the next town and the plan was to take a car to Berlin to meet Bill's doctor. Adam waited with the family in the eating area. Bill was having jerks and trying to eat a salad. He was frustrated but didn't let that get in the way. Adam finally got fed up with the constant clanging of a dropping fork and he decided to sit next to him. He took the fork and Bill looked at him.

"What...are you doing?"

"Helping you, open your mouth." Adam stated.

Bill complied and he put the fresh veggies into his mouth. Bill looked like a sad kid who wasn't allowed to eat dessert. Adam didn't mean to be little him but he wanted to help him avoid injury. He simply placed a hand on Bill's shoulder and squeezed it. Bill didn't look up at him though. He just got up from his seat and tried to get to the lounge but it was hard with myoclonic jerks making you suddenly drop without warning. Adam followed behind him to make sure he didn't hurt himself.

"Adam, I want to have some freedom...from people constantly watching me."

"Your mother told me to make sure you stay safe."

"My mother," He scoffed, "she's just as bad as my dad on occasion."

"Bill, why do you hate being watched so much?"

"In Primary school and Secondary school, I had a caretaker, Nona. She went with me to school and made sure that when I had seizures I didn't get hurt. Back then I had shitloads of grand mal seizures. I remember my first one I ever had during gym. I was really tired and I had to run laps. I stopped when I got dizzy and she ran up to me. Next thing I know I'm on the ground and she's waving a pamphlet in my face and wiping gook off me. It was humiliating to know that I couldn't be alone. It's not that I hate you, _persay_ , I just hate the job you've been given."

"Bill, I'm just here to help you. You've gotta let me help you."

"I know but with everything I've faced in my past..."

"Don't judge yourself by your past, you don't live there anymore."

Bill looked at me and for the first time I saw a smile stretch along his lips. He laughed and pulled out his phone.

"I have to write that down. That's the craziest thing I've heard yet. How'd you come up with that?"

"My mom used to tell me that."

"Well all my mom told me was, keep breathing." Bill sighed. "Sometimes I feel like my seizures change people's perspective of me. Like before they see Bill, they see 'Epileptic' tattooed on my head or something. It's hard being me when no one sees me."

"That's not true. I see you, Tom sees you, and the whole collection of people see you."

"You sound like my mom, Adam." He chuckled.

"It's true. You've never told the fans about it and they like you."

"That's different, Adam. They like how I look."

"I'm sure it's more than that."

Bill looked at me again and scooted closer. He placed a hand in my black hair and pulled my face closer to his. His thin lips touched mine and I didn't know how to respond. I didn't move, I just let him do all the work. Footsteps sounded on the steps and he pulled away. He looked up and when I followed his eyes I saw a green eyed girl with a skirt that barely covered her thighs and a crop top that said 'with boobs like these, who needs brains'.

"Sasha!"

"Hey, Billa."

She swished over and sat on his lap. He was still twitching but managed to keep her from being uncomfortable.

"Who let you in?"

"Tomi, I'm so happy I could see you. Who's this?"

"Um, this is Adam. He's my bodyguard."

"Well, Adrian, Bill is mine for right now. You can go."

"It's Adam and I can't, I'm not allowed to leave his side."

"Ash, Bill will be protecting by my body."

"Again it's Adam and..."

"OMG, do you wanna see us fuck or something?!"

"Fine, I'll be on the steps."

I got up and left them. Bill was fucking with my emotions. One minute he's kissing me the next he's doing something like that. I just wanted to know what was happening. I simply just glared at my phone when I realized I still had to call home. My mom left a very _explicit_ message for me. I simply called my brother and hoped he was home.

"The ghost has risen. Hello from the living world."

"Hi, Neil. Is mom with you?"

"Yeah, give me a second to get her."

I heard mom bitching at him and finally she got on the phone.

"Adam Mitchel Lambert, do you enjoy fucking with my emotions?"

"No, mom."

"Why'd you wait this long to call home?!"

"I was busy with Bill. He's going through a lot and I had no time."

"No time to call home?! Adam, I swear, pull this shit again and I'll kill you. I have to go but I will expect another call soon."

"Naturally."

She hung up and I watched Tom toss a bottle in the trash very angrily. I gripped the railing and pulled myself up to my feet. The whole bus was tense because of Sasha. Georg was rubbing his thumb on the table and Gustav had disappeared. I walked up to Tom and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Tom, what exactly pisses you off about Sasha?"

"She's using my brother. On top of that, mom told us that Jörg had planned a visit while we're in Berlin. Bill has too much shit to do to be fucking with this girl."

"Have you ever told him that?"

"We all have! But he likes to bring her on this bus and fuck her."

Bill was just allowing this girl to be a catalyst. And judging by that outfit she was wearing, it didn't leave much to the imagination. I can guess that she wanted to just fuck. She looked like Georg but older. Like her hair was longer and she was a lot more open. She wasn't wearing panties either. It disgusted me because one, I'm gay and don't need to see that and two, how does she bend over? Her snapdragon must always be hanging out.

Women like her disgust me. I wanted to just punch her. But there are laws against it. She's one of the reasons I'm glad to be gay. Bill shouldn't like force himself to be with a woman that makes all women look like promiscuous demons. She's a succubus. A woman that uses a man for all that he's worth and then leaves. A gold digger of sorts, but this is what he's willing to tolerate.

~*~

The doctor's appointment was not going anywhere. We sat in the waiting room and I had to hold Bill on his seat because he was having complex partial seizures. He wanted to wander but I kept him stationary. Tom was holding his water bottle. Simone was recording. I guess she wanted proof. Those tapes seemed hazardous to me though. I know Bill wants to keep this secret but they could be leaked which will ruin that.

"Okay, that's enough footage. Adam, bring him to the office."

I picked Bill up bridal style and carried him in the back. He was partially conscious but Simone feels like Bill was going into one and didn't want him walking or standing. We got him back there laid him on the table. He was twitching again and Dr. Eubenstein wrote some notes on her chart.

"Okay, Simone when you told me about this, I was slightly skeptical about a pre-diagnosis--."

"No diagnosis until my lawyer and child services arrive. I shall prove that Simone is poisoning my son and is making him fake this."

"I'm not poisoning him."

We stood around for about ten minutes and Bill was still suffering at the hands of his twitches. He wasn't conscious and his breathing was erratic. They eventually had to turn him on his side to keep him from choking on saliva.

"Okay, doctor what's wrong with him?"

"His body has built up resistance against his medication. He'll have to be treated and prescribed new medications. How many grand mal seizures has he had?"

"Two." Tom sighed.

Simone looked at her son giving him the face that signified a huge discussion later. Tom just looked over at his brother sadly. Panic set in when I spotted the paparazzi outside the window. I quickly shut the blinds to provide Bill with privacy. But this didn't bode well for him. Questions would be asked and I knew he didn't want to answer them. Tom caught the flashes in his eyes and that same fear went through him. I could see it.

"Bill, honey, it's your doctor can you hear me?"

"He's never done this before."

"Okay, we will have to admit for the day and a little in tomorrow. But I have to run tests."

"Fine, just help him."

I bit my lip because this hospital admittance was the one thing that Bill didn't need. He was trying to get this all behind him. His father was talking with the child services worker and his lawyer. The fury that would be released wasn't meant to happen in this hospital room. I gently nudged Simone and she looked at me.

"You should take this outside. Bill is in a state that is vulnerable to arguments."

"Arguments? What argument?"

I pointed to Jörg and she nodded.

"Gordon, Jörg and party let's bring this discussion outside. Bill needs quiet right now."

The small group left and I grabbed a few tissues to wipe Bill's mouth. His eyes were rolled upward and he was clearly not all there. But at least he was breathing okay. Tom's quietness was making me wonder what earth shattering thoughts ran through his mind. He was picking at a loose thread on his shirt and when a snort escaped his brother's nose he'd look up.

The doctor was preparing his paper work for admittance. I gently pulled Tom to the side and kept his face away from Bill. I looked deep into his eyes and he matched my gaze.

"Bill is going to be alright. He's a strong kid. His brain just needs to restart itself. That's all this seizure is. His brain restarting. Don't think about it to hard. Just remember that Bill is your brother and you love him."

"But he looks so scared. Why is it that only he suffers from this? I want to trade places with him and give him good brain while I have this. It's not fair to him! He's got a life to live and he should have the right to live it."

"And he does. For every seizure emergency he's got at least three or four months of accomplishments. This is not the end for him. This is just the beginning." 

"Beginning of what?! He's going to have to put everything on hold for this...again!"

"No he won't. Tom they said they only need a day. You guys have a week off this week. So nothing will need to be on hold."

"Why do you even care? Don't say it's your job! Your job is to help him not me!"

"Your his brother and I have to help him and his family."

"I don't give a shit! Look, I need a smoke break. Just watch him."

Tom stormed out of the room with a serious chip on his shoulder. He had so much anger built up in him. I didn't know what I'd gotten into but I do know that no matter what I had to be by Bill's side. Nothing would take me away from him. I simply had to find ways to make everything much more comfortable for him and for those he surrounded himself with. But naturally nothing was easy that way. If it were then being gay wouldn't be an issue. Then we'd be able to so whatever makes us happy.

The door creaked open and Simone walked in with tears in her eyes. She had this grip on her wrist and she looked like something had died on her or something. I carefully approached her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She didn't even register it until the door opened again. She looked at me and then at her ex. She was obviously angry but didn't say anything.

"What's going on?"

"Jörg has to finish the your with us. Child Services thinks that we've been focusing solely on his career and money and not his health. But I know Jörg is going to pull something! But what can I do? I don't have my lawyers or files or anything right now. All I've got is a bunch of undocumented break in's."

"That's something. I could be a witness to Jörg breaking into the bus and verbally assaulting Bill."

"Adam, there's no actual proof. There's no video tape or fingerprints or photos."

I bit my lip and sighed. She's right there was no way to prove that Jörg had stepped foot into that bus. That means we are stuck with him for the next few weeks. No one looked happy, especially Bill, about this news. Tom even punched a wall. But they all knew they there was nothing we could do about it. We had to abide by the rule until we got any new information or until Jörg got bored of watching nothing at all happening.

~*~

First day back from my two day stay at the hospital. Fans were outside leaving me get well cards and stuff. My publicist told everyone I had suffered from an exhaustion shock. That I was working so hard to make each show better that I was neglecting my eon needs like sleep and I was running on coffee. I hated lying to them but I didn't know how they'd take my epilepsy. Eventually I'd have to tell them but for right now I'm keeping it hush hush. To avoid getting stigmatized for it and for anything else they might blame on my seizures.

That's something I didn't want. I wanted to be treated normally. But with my father suddenly coming into my life. I felt more like a giant red target has been painted on my forhead. Why won't he just leave me alone? What wrong have I done? My career is all I want and now he's going to slowly try and destroy all that. He's going to make this about money. That man cares nothing about my life or my well being.

My drive back to the bus was all but pleasant. My "father" kept glaring at me. I didn't like that look and it pissed me off. I looked away from him and looked at my glorious fans. They were holding up signs and I rolled down the window and waved. They screamed and ran behind the van as we drove to the bus. My fans make everything I'vough worth it. I can smile around them and I don't fear rejection with them. They live for the music. You don't know how many times I've had a fan come to me and say my music saved their lives.

I only wish it could save mine. I've dealt with self harm and suicidal thoughts for years. I can't imagine living without having that piggy back on me. But I stay alive for them. Someone needs me and that's graditude enough. Tom tells me that he's proud to call me his brother not like he needed a reason. He gently would tell me that I was the best brother in the world because I translate my pain into my music.

It's a little selfish on his part. But what's really bugging me is this pull I'm getting toward Adam. I don't know if it's his defiance or his older personality but it's hard to hate him. Like I want to but can't. I'd never tell Tom about this either. He'd never understand. He's very critical and would tell me that I'm just being like this to get my mind off dad. It's not true. I'm preoccupied with my medication snazoo. That's taking too much of my time. There's no room for my father.

There's no room for anything. My head has logged in what is to be consider important and what not to consider important. The fans have made me realize that this trivial matter shouldn't be logged in. That amount of adoration and respect should show everytime we've got a show. A performer performs as a thanks his audience.

Tonight I'll thank them all. Thank them for these amazing years.


	6. 6

I can't leave! As soon as I plan to go and do something my father jumps in and says no. Oh my god, I can't even begin to fathom the anger and the stress that's bubbling inside me right now. Like I just want to punch something! Tom is trying to make things better but all that's happened is my dad's grip has gotten stronger. I promised I'd quit smoking but I started to smoke even more now that my father has chosen to ruin my life. 

I even looked to Adam for advice because I am lost and scared and confused. Why is he even doing this? He had nothing to gain. I'm not giving him money or promotion. His problems are not problems. I only wish I could drink but right now I'm trying to grip this whole situation. I've done three shows that I couldn't rehearse for because my dad won't let me leave. I had to have a cheat sheet taped to the catwalk so I knew what song I'd be singing. Mom has subtracted herself from the equation and I have to take my medication in front of him without mom being present. 

My emotions are so mixed up that I just can't find the reason to live anymore. Then Tom decides to remind me that I have a therapy session with my doctor during our day off in Köln. Adam was trying his best to stand by me in this fight that I was having with my dad. It's not verbal or even physical but rather emotional. He knows how much him leaving hurt me yet he's trying to be this father I never had to begin with. It's like when mom told me that I wasn't a candidate for brain surgery. I felt like the whole world was trying to make me kill myself. 

But I do share a common question with my father. They couldn't find a genetic link or a birth defect or a brain deformity or basically anything to cause my seizures. I'm an abnormality that won't change. I legitimately wanted to just slit my wrists and end all of this. 

Even sitting in this lounge with the woman who's supposed to help me, I wanted to just kill myself. I tapped my fingers against the leather of the couch and tried to make those thoughts go away. But when I view caught my dad they rushed back in like marathon runners. I gripped the armrest and sighed. 

"Bill, what's got you so worked up?"

"My dad has been hanging around and he's been controlling everything."

"Have you spoken with him?"

"Yes, but he doesn't listen. I just gave up talking to him."

She wrote some of what I said down. My neurologist was a nice woman. She's been there my whole life and once I used to wish she was my mom. She would often talk to me because there were days prior to this where I would shut down from all the stress. It wasn’t like I wanted to but I tended to retreat to the recesses of my mind when something makes me fill to the brim with anxiety. I looked at her and she made this unsure smile. She glanced back at her notes and sighed.

“Bill, what was it like the first time you were aware of your seizures?”

“I was six and I thought that I was sleeping. My mom decided to tell me the truth when I was about seven. I guess you could say I was shocked. But as I aged I stopped caring a little. There was always embarrassment standing hand and hand with it. I knew that I'd be judged solely on my condition."

"Is that why you haven't told your fans that you're an epileptic? You think they'll judge you?"

"It's not that. I'm scared that everyone will shun me. You don't get it. I'm still a teenager. I want so much from my life. Like, I want to drive a car and find a person who'll love me and spend their life with me. But as soon as my disorder comes up, that's all going to disappear."

"That's not true. Look, Bill, you have the most loving considerate fans in the world. They love you. Don't you feel, I guess guilty for lying to them?"

"Everyday." I sighed. "They tell me their stories. They love me and look up to me. They tell me that I've saved their lives. It seems selfish but look this isn't the right time to talk about myself. They need to think I'm an emotionally broken boy and nothing more."

She wrote more things down and sighed. I could see the wrinkles on her forehead and the slightly greying hairs on the sides of her head above her ears. This woman has been through a lot with her developmental delayed teenage daughter at home and her cancer ridden mother. She used to tell me how raising a child alone wasn't what she imagined. But if Igor were here he wouldn't want her upset. 

She's told me that having a disabled child makes her very sensitive to some of the cases she gets, including mine. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and looked out the window. I could feel tears burning in my eyes because I was lost and broken. Nothing was working for me. All I got was a father that didn’t love me and a career that threw me into this corner. I love my fans and I know they love me. But I feel like I’m lying to them. I never tell them the true reason why I missed a week of shows three months ago. I haven’t told them that I’m gay. I hide it with the times I spend with Georg’s sister. I make out with her hoping that it’d make me straight. I even had sex with her on numerous occasions. But now my heart wants something else.

“Bill, I want you to know that I’m on your side. Your mother informed me that she signed you up for the Forever Companions program and you’ve been picked?”

“Yeah, I’ve got some schmuck named Adam. I don’t like that she can’t trust me to be alone. I am fine, really.”

“You were just in my office this month, you know.”

“Look, that was because I outgrew the medication. Not my fault. I take those drugs everyday and I eat like I’m supposed to. I just want to be trusted. Having my father around doesn’t help either.”

“What’s he done to you?”

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Bill, this whole thing is to gauge your psychological standing.”

“Fine! Since everyone person in this godforsaken place wants to be all up in my business, my father abused me, okay! He told my grandfather, his father about my seizures and since that asshole’s a priest, he nearly killed me trying to “exorcise my demons.” Imagine being ten years old already scared because you’re having this out of body experience and then you wake up in an ambulance choking up water.”

“Is that what it feels like to you?”

“Yeah, it’s like I’m in my body but not in my head. Everything is moving in these flashing images and I can hear muffled voices. It’s terrifying but I’d never tell my family that. Mom already says my attacks scare her. It’s the reason she doesn’t have anymore kids. She’s worried they’ll end up like me,”

“That’s not true.”

“Yeah, it is. Look, can we end the session here because I am really stressing right now and I’m tired.”

“Fine, we can stop here. Bill, I want you to feel safe. I’m not just your neurologist. I am the only doctor you choose to talk to. I want you to feel like you’re normal because you are.”

“Yeah, like normal people’s brains short circuit. I’ll see you in three weeks.” I mumbled.

I found my way into the dining area and found everyone eating pizza.

“Who grabbed food?”

“Your mom. I was so starving too,” Georg said with a mouth full of food.

I took a seat next to him and went to take a slice when my father smacked my hand. 

“What the fuck, Jorg?!”

“Your mother could’ve poisoned that food. I’ll get you something else.”

“You are being ridiculous. Look, I love my mother and she loves me. I’m sorry if you can’t handle having a son that’s got something wrong with him. But this is me and it’s not changing.”

He simply looked at me and got up. I was again reaching for a slice when my dad plopped a bowl of spinach in front of me. I glared at him and prepared the best insult in my head when I just lost the energy. I got up and went back to the lounge and sat with my feet pulled up on the couch. I rested my head on my knees and let the tears fall.

“Hey, Bill?”

“Leave me alone, Adam! Can’t I be alone?! Can’t I just sit in this room and cry to myself without you or Tom coming to check on me?!”

“I just wanted to give you something to eat. I brought you a slice.”

I looked up at him and he was holding a red plastic plate with a red cup smiling very weakly. He walked over to me and put the food on the couch next to me. He held the cup and slowly sat down. But his eyes never met mine. He gazed out the window instead. I never noticed how beautiful his eyes were. They were like little oceans or like marbles. I’ve grown to hate blue eyes because of my father. Every time he looked at me I saw nothing but hate. But in Adam I see nothing but pain.

“You know, I never had a good relationship with my father. He used to like me until I came out the closet to him. Then he started to hate me. I used to blame myself and say that maybe if I was straight he’d love me but I knew I couldn’t change who I was. Bill, you can’t change who you are. You need to learn that men like him will never understand that. You’ve got nothing to prove to him.”

“Was that the reason you came up here? To lecture me about something I already know. Look, if I wanted your pity party, I would’ve asked for it. Thanks for the food, now leave.”

“Bill, I didn’t want to pity you. You just don’t get it. I am trying to be there for you.”

“Because it’s your job! You don’t care about me! You just want to collect a fucking paycheck. Just go away. How about you pack up your shit and leave?! Because I said it the first time you were here and I’ll say it again. I don’t want you here! Tell my mother and just leave, Adam.”

“If you didn’t want me here, why did you kiss me?! Explain that!”

I turned and looked at him. I don’t know why that really stung me. I just couldn’t believe he’d say that to me. I didn’t know why I kissed him. I just felt like this was instinct. I could feel the vibrations of his pulse come off his body whenever we touched. I just loved feeling like someone cared and when I kissed him, I could imagine that I was normal and that he loved me. I got up and my emotions had me all flustered. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Our eyes matched and I lounged on him. I simply kissed him again but while we kissed, I cried. Tear rolled down my cheeks and the pain of loneliness kicked in.

I had Tom and I had my bandmates and I had my family but I still felt alone. I held onto him and wanted to just feel something. I felt his heart beat in time with my own. I felt his large arms on my skinny waist and I even felt his body tremble. Or was that my own? I pulled away and we stared at each other. I covered my mouth with my hands and shook my head. More tears fell and I just backed up to the stairs. I don’t know why but I just felt afraid. Afraid of my emotions and afraid to face them. I looked down and let out a sob. This hasn’t ever happened to me before. Nobody has made me feel this way.

I instantly regretted kissing him like that. I put all my heart into it and now I think I’m falling for him. I moved my hands and looked back at him. Tears were pouring down my face and I had to think of the words to say before I made a living fool of myself.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Um, I want you to stay just please don’t tell anyone I did that. I’m truly so--.”

“You like kissing my son?!”

“Dad?!”

My father grabbed me by my hair and pulled me over to Adam. He tossed me into his lap and stood over us.

“Go on, you little faggot! Kiss him like you just did! Kiss him!”

“Dad, please!”

“I said kiss him, boy!”

“Sorry.” I mouthed. 

I leaned in and we again started kissing. It was painful this time because I just wanted to be alone and now my dad was forcing us to kiss in front of him. I heard footsteps and pulled away when I felt Tom was close. I looked at my twin who was really close to punching our father. He had shoved him out and walked over to me. He held me close but for some reason, I didn’t want him. I wanted Adam.

~*~

I hated tonight’s show. I am so glad that it was just a small venue. But Bill was so preoccupied that he spaced during the performance and forgot which song was number eight on the set list. It was slightly humiliating. I had to cover for him which I don’t do often. I watched him sit in his little corner on the bus and write out some more lyrics. He was always anxiously preparing for the next thing. I also spotted mom and dad arguing in the bunk area. Mom looked fed up and I wanted to jump in. She was huffing and finally she stormed off.

“Mom?”

“Not now, Tommy. Look, I just need some time alone. I can’t with your father right now.”

“But it’s important, I think Bill is hiding something from us.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know but it must be big. He’s been closing himself off and all day and he even got sad when dad called him a faggot. He didn’t like curse him out.”

“I’m sure that whatever it is, he’ll tell you. Just give your brother his space. Where’s Adam?”

“He’s on the phone with his mother in the lounge.”

“Okay, look, Tommy, look out for your brother. I’m going to get your father out of here soon. The next stop on the tour is where I’m meeting the child services delegate. I will get that man tossed out, I promise. But I need Bill to stay well. I don’t need anything to be against me.”

“Anything to help Bill.”

She smiled and pulled me into a hug. 

“I never told you or your brother how much I love you guys. I am so proud of you boys and I can’t wait to see how far you intend to take this music career.”

“Thanks, mom.”

I found my twin after my mom left to get some air before we pulled off. He was curled up in a tiny ball and judging by his soft snores, he was asleep. I brought him to his bunk and climbed in with him. I cuddled my brother and before I was planning to sleep, I noticed a name sharpied on his forearm and it wasn’t Sasha’s.

_~Adam~_

I woke him up and he groaned. Bill tried to turn away from me but I wouldn’t let him. I wanted to know why Bill had another man’s name drawn on him.

“What do you want?”

“Why did you write his name on your arm?”

“Look, I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Well, you are! Bill, this is serious! Why is Adam’s name on you?”

“I don’t know why! I am so confused and I don’t know what I want. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. I hate that whenever I do something you or mom or someone questions it. I wrote his name big fucking deal now leave me alone so I can sleep.”

“Not until you tell me if you like him.”

“Tom, I am tired. Just get out of my bunk so I can sleep.”

“Bill, are you gay?”

“I don’t know, now get out. I am fucking tired and I don’t need this right now.”

“How can you not know?”

“Tom, are you really doing this when I said I am tired?! Go away! I am trying to sleep!”

“Bill, you can tell me anything. Is this why you’ve been acting weird?”

Bill simply shoved me out and closed the curtain. I couldn’t wrap my head around my brother being gay. He never really oozed homosexual. He was honestly probably the straightest man I knew. He slept with more girls that I did and he even had five girlfriends at the same time and broke up with them at the same time in the same place on the same day. He’s not one you would think of when the word, gay was concerned. I quickly went back to my own bunk and climbed inside. I needed sleep. This whole thing was giving me a headache. I needed a minute to figure out what was going on. 

But if he was gay, was he really falling for Adam?


	7. 7

Why won't Bill talk to me? I hadn't meant to offend him. I just wanted to know. He made glaring stares at me whenever he had to address me and he even kept Adam away. Something happened between them. Dad decided go watch rehearsal today and that whole idea didn't sit well with me. He was watching Bill like he was a target or something. I just wanted Bill to talk to me. He's my little brother and I'd rather die first before losing him. Dad was about to approach him when I decided to just talk to him.

He saw why I pulled him to the side suddenly but didn't really respond. He simply stood in front of me with his hands jammed into his pocket and a menacing scowl painted on his face. I didn't really understand why Bill was so angry. Was it me or dad? He blocked me out and I couldn't hear his thoughts. Dad finally walked away and I took a breath of relief. Bill was going to walk away when I pulled him back. I needed to talk to my brother. This deep silence between us was enough to kill me.

"Bill, talk to me, please just say anything."

He rolled his eyes and shoved me away. I angered my little brother to this point where my melancholy didn't matter. He was only thinking of his selfish anger. This could cause a rift in the band and our fame is too premature for this. We didn't officially become anything until 2005 and it's 2007. Our eighteenth birthday is drawing close and I want to enjoy it. But I know my brother. He doesn't tell people right there when he's pissed. He's going to blow up on me.

"Tom, look, you had no right to interrogate me last night. To full on ask me if I'm gay when I don't even know myself was unforgivable. I said that to you and yet you ignored me. How can I talk to you when you refuse to listen?"

I had to agree with Bill at this point. I did ignore him. He didn't deserve that. He just needed me to love him. I prejudged him before hearing his piece. But I was worried for him. I know how hard he falls in love. He's been hurt before and I'm not standing by while it happens again. He knows that I'm always going to be there no matter what.

"You're right and I'm sorry. Just talk to me."

"Can I?"

"Yes, you can."

"I'm just frustrated. I've...kissed Adam three times now and each time I've initiated it. I don't know what's happening to me. It doesn't help that I feel like dad's out to get me. He caught me with him and he wasn't very happy."

"Bill, look, mom is working to get dad off this tour. Don't worry about him."

"How can I not worry?! Tom, he watches me like a hawk. And sometime he looks at me with this strange grin on his face. He's up to something."

"Guys, we need you on stage for lighting arrangement."

"Coming, Tobias." I responded. "Bill, I'll talk to mom, David and Gordon and we'll work something out."

"I'm scared, Tomi." Bill whimpered. 

"Don't be. Jörg won't lay a damn hand on you."

During rehearsals, I made Saki watch dad with an eagle eye. Bill messed up once and tripped while walking the catwalk. But he was alright after. We rehearsed for three more hours and decided to take a break and grab food before our show. Georg was on the phone with his girlfriend and Gustav was being distant as usual. Mom called me out to the stage area to assist the crew. That left Bill to pick at his food alone.

~*~

The teen put his plastic fork back into the container of pasta and glanced in Jörg's direction. The older man was sitting on the lounge with his hands hidden in his pants. Bill wiped his mouth and got up. Adam watched him walk into the bathroom and close the door.

"This is crazy!" He thought aloud. 

The teen placed his hands on his head and sighed. He didn't want to have to fear anyone. He looked up in the mirror and saw his father migrated into the restroom. The door was locked and out of Bill's reach. He had his back to the sink and his hand tightly gripped the counter. 

"What do you want?"

"You've gotten so big, Bill. Your hair is so long and you are so thin."

"Yeah, so what! Where's Adam?"

"Your mom needed him. So, you like him?"

"My feelings are none of your fucking business."

Jörg simply got closer pushing Bill even further into the counter to where his arms were stick straight at his sides. His father rested his big hands on his arms and started to rub them. Bill looked up and prayed that something, anything would get this to stop. He closed his eyes and tears started to fall. 

"Your skin is soft too. Reminds me of when you were a baby."

"Please stop." Bill whimpered. 

"Stop what? I haven't done anything. I'm just admiring how much you've grown."

The older male took one hand off of Bill's arms and used that to unzip the teen's pants. He shoved his hand inside and gripped his dick. Bill squeaked and let out a deep sob. His father simply covered his mouth with his other hand. Jörg knew Bill wouldn't fight back. He was too embarrassed. The teen realized that he had this happen to him before. But at the time, he didn't know what it was. He was too young to know. His dad left when he was seven. But he remembered when his dad took him to the bathroom and touched him in the same way. 

"Now, I'm going to to move my hand and you better not make a sound. Am I clear?"

Bill simply nodded and held back his whimper when the hand came down. He let the touching continue and when Jörg was satisfied, he let go. Bill zipped up his pants and turned back to the mirror. He watched the tears ruin the makeup he put on his face and he reached for a tissue. 

"Don't tell anyone what happened in here. They won't understand that I love you son."

"Yes, Jörg. I promise not to tell anyone."

"That's my boy."

Bill flinched when Jörg slapped his back and then left. Bill wiped the black mess from his face and looked back at the mirror. He stared at his reflection for a few moments before using both fists to break it. The glass shards spilled into the sink and he watched his blood mix with it when he placed his bleeding hands on the counter. 

Bill didn't remember crying this hard before. It had happened only once and that was when he was eleven and the girl that he was working so hard to ask out starting dating his brother. That sickening betrayal that he felt then was running through him now and he cried. He let his tears fall without giving any cares as to who heard. The door was wide open and anyone walking past could see inside. He wasn't hiding. So he wasn't surprised when Tom was about to walk pass and saw his brother and the broken mirror. 

"Bill, what's going on?! What happened?! Oh god, you're bleeding!" Tom rambled. 

"Tomi..." Bill said in a voice so small that he himself barely heard. 

"What is it, Billa?"

"I wanna die."

~*~

We cancelled today's concert and I held Bill as he slept in the lounge area. He wasn't in any shape to perform. I hadn't been so scared for him in my life. He flat out said he wanted to die. Adam sat across from us and looked at me with this weird expression. He knew something about this. But with Bill on my lap this wasn't the time to talk about it.

"Adam, look, I don't know why I'm about to say this but I'm worried."

"So am I. Did he say anything?"

"He said he wanted to die."

"Did he really?"

"I don't know what's going on with him. He's been so distant and drawn from. I blame my father but I don't know what would lead him to punch glass and tell me he wants to die?"

"Maybe Jörg did something. Is your father abusive?"

"Whether he is or not, is none of your business!" I snapped. 

"Tom, I only wanted to help but since you don't want it, I'll just go to my bunk and leave you alone."

He got up and left before I could say anything more. Adam's advice was something. I've grown to hate. He constantly thinks he can just tell me what to do. First he tells me I can't hold my brother after he's had a seizure and now he's asking about my personal life. I can't stand him. I gently brushed my brother's hair with my hand and kissed his forehead. 

"Tom, you and Bill need to stop treating Adam like this." My mom said as soon as she walked into the room. 

"I'm sorry but we don't like him."

"Why? That boy is only trying to help and you two are making him out to be the enemy. Look I know that trusting someone can be hard but that's just a hurdle you have to get over. Stop bullying him."

"We aren't bullying him."

"Really? Pretending that you guys are okay with him and then insulting him or yelling at him for trying to be your friend isn't bullying?! You boys need to learn that not every person is out to get you."

"Can we discuss this later? Bill needs rest hence why we cancelled the show today."

"Fine. I'm going to have a serious talk with you, Bill and Adam. Just tell me if you need anything."

My mother left and I looked down at Bill. He was still asleep and he had this look of disdain on his face. I want so badly to take away his pain. He doesn't deserve to have seizures or the stress that surrounds him. I'd give up my life so he'd be normal. The fans don't seem to understand the daily trials my brother must face. 

I gently transferred him to the couch and got up. I needed a moment to just think and stretch. No one understands that I've got to care for Bill. He has no one else. Adam tried to tell me I needed Bill to be dependent on me to give my life purpose. Um, that's not likely because I'm the bigger German guitar player of my generation right now. I've got purpose. That stupid faggot doesn't know what he's talking about. I've made girls and some guys too, scream and cry. I've made them pass out. I don't need my brother to be dependent on me. 

I looked down at his sleeping form and sighed. He never looked peaceful. There was always this stressful demeanor that he held onto. I didn’t know what to do about him. He never told me what was bothering him. I always had to guess. He was keeping up this wall and I couldn’t tell if he was lying or not. Bill was just shutting me out and I can’t take it. I need him to just talk to me. I want to know why he’s spiralling downward into this direction. I need to know why he’s blocking me out. What is he hiding? If this about him being gay it shouldn’t matter. I love him to death. I don’t care who he loves. I just want him to trust me again.

I turned my back to my brother and then I heard him groan. I turned back to him and he rustled out of the blanket. I was going to go put it back over his shoulders but decided against it. He sat up and scratched his bird’s nest of hair and looked at me with this annoyed yet tired expression. He looked down at the gauze on his hands and I saw tears fall down his face.

“Why’d you cancel the show?” He sighed

“Bill, you told me you wanted to die.”

“I do, but that’s no reason to cancel the show that I worked so hard to rehearse for.”

“Your mental stability is more important that a stadium of screaming fans. Bill, what is going on with you.”

“Nothing! There is nothing going on!” He snapped and stood up.

“You told me you wanted to die! That’s not fucking normal.”

“Don’t take this away from me. All I’ve got is my music. I said there’s nothing wrong so there’s nothing wrong.”

“Bill, I love you. If this about you might being gay, I don’t care!”

“This has nothing to do with that. I know for a fact that I’m not. I just I can’t lose my career. I need to perform. I need those screaming fans. Tom, you just don’t understand what this means for me.”

“Talk to me then! You never wanna talk to me! You always hold everything in and then write something in that fucking black notebook of yours!”

“Are you judging how I handle my stress?! So what if I don’t tell you when I’m going to fucking crap or something, I am entitled to my own private life.”

“No you aren’t! Not when you tell me you want to die!”

He got closer to me and I could feel the breathe fuming from his nostrils. He was really heated and he wanted to fight. I was just as pissed. I am sick of him constantly making it seem like he’s the victim and we are all out to get him or something. I had my fists clenched by my sides and I wasn’t about to look away from him. He really did turn this situation around and he didn’t have to. I wanted simply to talk to him and he acted as if I had shot him in the face or killed his puppy. I felt like he would swing when he suddenly just looked away.

“I am not going to fight with you, Tom. You want to join our father in making my life a living hell, fine, go on. I won’t stop you. Just know this, I am no longer that same kid that followed you around like a lost puppy. I will and can kick you fucking ass now.”

“I dare you to try, Bill. Just because your brain is broken isn’t doesn’t mean I won’t break it some more.”

He turned to me and looked flabbergasted. His mouth hung open and he looked like he’d start sobbing. Oh, so he can insult me but I can’t?! What a fucking double standard?!

“How can you stand there and say that to me? I have struggled for so long and you just---get out of here before I slaughter you!”

He tossed his notebook at me and I ducked and it flew over my head. I rushed down the stairs and went into the kitchen area and my eyes caught his notebook. I picked it up and tossed it into the cabinet. I could hear Bill trashing the lounge area upstairs and I couldn’t care less. He was being a jerk. I was only trying to help him and he went and just treated me like shit. It’s not fair because I’ve always been there for him. Well except when he felt the need to break that mirror at the venue. Mom had to pay 50 EUR for that. I don’t even know why he would do something like that. Why is he choosing now to be a diva? He’s been so erratic lately. I blame my father. He’s got Bill all burnt out from being just in the same room with him.

I don’t even get why we even try with him. I have said for years that Jorg Kaulitz is not our daddy. He is just the man who donated sperm to our mother and got her pregnant. I wanted nothing to do with him. He was making our lives a living hell and he could’ve just avoided us. It was all for money and I know it. Our father’s irregular involvement in our lives is the reason we trust no one. We never knew who would just leave our lives and we never knew when they would leave. It was supposed to be us against the world and right now, I felt like it was me against my own twin brother.

~*~

“What is the matter with you two?! Huh, Bill and Tom! Your whole chemistry is off! Never have I seen you two throw each other under the bus like that!”

“Tom is an arrogant asshole. How do you fucking bump me like that when I was trying to sit down?!”

“I’m sorry if I wanted to sit down on the couch and you were in the way!”

“Go to hell, Tom!” Bill screamed and went into the bus bathroom. 

Tom went into the downstairs lounge. The G’s sighed almost simultaneously. Jorg had disappeared in the direction of the bathrooms and David was trying to make sense of what just happened.

“Georg, Gustav, what is going on with them?” David sighed.

“We honestly don’t know. They argued yesterday about the cancelled show and now they’re just like that. I don’t know what was said between them.”

“Adam, do you know if Bill has said anything?”

“Nope, he is kind of ignoring me now. I left him to be alone with Tom because they’re constantly cursing me out and the next time I see them, Bill is shooting him an evil glare and leaving the room. I honestly don’t know what happened.”

“This doesn’t make any sense. Those two need to fix this. I can’t believe that those two are being this way. It just doesn’t suit them.”

“I know, David. Georg and I have tried talking to them but they’re just angry at one another.”

“Adam, can you try talking to Bill?”

“Oh, so he can yell at me for breathing? I don’t think so. I am sorry but when he’s like this, I am not willing to be in the same room as him.”

“Well, can someone just ta---.”

“STOP TALKING ME TO LIKE I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR ANY OF YOU!” Bill shouted.

“We just want to help you.” David retorted.

“I don’t need help. I just need all of you to stay out of my business.” Bill seethed.

“You’re fighting with your brother on television. This can’t be ignored!” David exclaimed.

“All of you need to mind your business! I will handle this how I choose to. In fact, I want all you to move to my mother’s bus and leave me alone. Take Tom with you.” Bill groaned.

“You aren’t allowed to be alone.” Adam stated.

“You need to shut up! Do you wanna know what you mean to me, Adam? You are this constant reminder that I can’t be alone. I wish you would just leave my life. But no, I stuck with you for three more years.”

“If you really hate me so much, why did you insist on kissing me then? Are you really that confused with your own fucking life?!”

“Adam, what are you talking about?” David asked.

“Twice, he has kissed me. He seemed to mean it too.”

“How could you?! That was supposed to be private and you just said that like it’s not private and like it doesn’t matter. Nobody cares about how I feel! All you just leave me alone! David, this tour is over! I wanna go home!”

“Bill, wait.” David called but Bill had already ran back into the bunk area.

“I didn’t mean for that to go that way but he kind of just pissed me off.”

“No, it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t have to be abused by him. Their mother told me how they’ve been treating you.” 

“I’m just not the type to say what’s bugging me. I guess I’m a lot like Bill.”

Adam got up and found his way to the lounge and sat there as he quietly thought about what consequences could come from him just telling them that Bill had kissed him. He hadn’t meant to be so callous. But he just wanted to get it off his chest and he wanted Bill to stop acting as if Adam were this punching bag. He wasn’t sent here to be the target of some spoiled brat’s rage. He was here to protect him from harm during a seizure. He was here to be Bill’s companion. He was trying to do his job but every time he tried to be kind to Bill, he would get spat at, like as if he were some person who caused him harm. All he wanted was for Bill to see he wasn’t the enemy.

He heard another argument break out and he simply tuned it out. He was sick of how Bill treated pretty much everyone on the bus. They only wanted to be his friend. The people he mistreated wanted to help him. They shouldn’t have to feel threatened for being there. Adam heard someone storm up the top lounge and he came face to face with a teary eyed Bill.

“You had no right to tell them that stuff! Those moments were supposed to be private and that was supposed to stay between us.”

“Look, you started when you said all that shit about me.”

“I didn’t start anything! I am sick of everyone treating me like this.”

“Like what?!”

“Like I’m shit and not worth the ground I stand on. Like my emotions don’t matter and like I am some stupid bitch off the street.”

“We all just want you to be happy and that’s what we’re constantly trying to do. We want you to talk so that we can see what’s wrong and fucking help you.”

“I don’t need anyone’s help. My problems are my problems. I just need to go home and get everyone to just get away from me.”

“You are willing to leave this tour. You are willing to disappoint all of your fans over this shit.”

“That’s my decision. A decision that I can make without some stupid fucking companion.”

“Fine, if that’s how you feel. Just don’t come crying to me when everything you want in your life comes crashing down all because you can’t pull your own head out of your own ass and see that not everything or everyone is out to get you. The people on this bus minus one person, love you to death. They only want the best for you. Look at all the sacrifices they’ve made to make your dream of being a musician come true. Tom plays his hardest at your shows because he loves how happy performing makes you. You think it’s fair to treat them the way you do?”

“It’s not fair to them?! It’s not fair to me! They always act like I’m the bad guy! I am the one who writes all the music and I have to deal with all the shit my father throws at me. I am the one being abused here. But of course, you’re just like them. You judge me. You don’t see that I _really_ am the victim. No one cares and I am not about to make you!”

He rushed down the stairs and was pulled into the bathroom by Jorg.

“Daddy, please stop this.”

“But what? You obviously like men crawling all up in you. I am just trying to experience all that this seventeen year old body has to offer.”

“Stop it! I am not your plaything. I am your son!”

“Look at my little Billa getting all worked up. You scream and I swear, I’ll hurt you. Just stand still and let me…”

He grabbed Bill’s bulge and massaged the muscle. Bill cried silently while he had himself be fondled for the third time by this man. He was molested by him and he was told to keep it shut or face dire consequences. Bill, despite being rather bitchy, _was_ in fact, a victim.


	8. 8

They somehow talked Bill down from actually cancelling the whole entire tour but they all decided it’d be best to give him his space. He was just about ready to blow a gasket every twenty seconds. He cried over the little things too. When his mic wouldn’t turn on during rehearsal he was in full tears. He claimed that no one does their jobs and that it’s up to him to do everything right. He couldn’t stand his own emotions. Tom was horribly devastated watching his brother succumb to whatever monster had it’s evil claws on him now. He hated to admit it but he preferred epilepsy over this weird bipolarity. Bill was sitting on the edge of the stage crying while smoking. He tripped on the catwalk and that sent him into a full on tantrum. He screamed and called all of the crew useless and without the proper permits and degrees to set up a stage.

Tom watched his brother rock back and forth sobbing. He wanted to help him but all Bill would do is shove him away and tell him to go to hell. His twin was clueless as to what he needed to do with him. The G’s were just as confused. Ever since that blow up on the bus, Bill was a hot mess and everyone knew it. During their first show after the cancelled one, Bill started to cry when he was singing and the song itself was happy. The fans were worried because Bill cried when they were outside screaming for him and he told them that they’re clueless fucks who always screamed not knowing if the person had a headache that day or something. That was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. The whole crew and band held a meeting and Bill was the topic of choice.

“Okay, does anyone know what is going on with Bill?”

“Your guess is just as good as ours. “ Georg sighed, tiredly.

“Tom? He’s your brother, anything?”

“I wish, David. He doesn’t talk to me anymore. He just cries and screams and throws shit at me.”

“Look, this whole situation needs to be handled. He’s yelling at fans and crying like he’s pregnant or something. You kids needs to figure out what the hell is going on. I am washing my hands of this matter.”

The door to the main bus opened and Bill stormed in with drenched hair and a massive cut on his lip. Tom immediately reacted and was at his brother’s side to assess the damage.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

He looked over Tom’s shoulder and saw all the people that sat in the room. He looked at each and every face and tears filled his eyes yet again. He was breaking down slowly and everyone saw it. He pushed Tom out of the way and put on his strongest glare he could muster. 

“Are you all just going to sit on your fat asses and talk shit about me all day?! I am fine and nothing is wrong! You need to stop sitting here and gossipin like bitches and do your jobs. We have to be on the road in one hour and that stage still isn’t fully packed! Get to work, we don’t pay you to sit around! GO!”

The older men were going to say something but decided against it since the kid signed their paychecks. They filed out and Bill took this time to glare at the G’s and David. He felt betrayed that they would sit with them and talk about him. They were supposed to be his friends and the pain hurt the most when he saw Tom among them. This was the band that he formed and they went behind his back to discuss him. He gripped his body in his arms and turned away from them.

“I knew I couldn’t trust anyone.” Bill muttered and ran off the bus.

Tom would’ve followed but he knew that Bill just needed space. His brother was falling apart and there was nothing he could do. His mother had gone back to Germany for the remainder of the tour to speak about Jorg’s living arrangements. She wanted him gone. Bill was sitting in his bus on the floor when the door opened behind him. He was crying and shivering and water dripped all around him from the rain outside that clung to his thin frame. 

“Please, just leave me alone.”

“I’ve decided that you are ready for me, son. You’ve gotten so big and you need to know what it feels like to be a real man.”

He let out a whimper when he felt the man’s hot breath on his neck. He leaned away and Jorg took a fistful of his hair and dragged him down to the bunk area. Bill was kicking and screaming and he wanted to just get away. He wanted to tell someone that his own father was hurting him. But it was too late. The man shoved Bill onto the floor and before the teen could crawl away he grabbed his long bony legs. Bill kicked hoping he’d get free but all he got was a blow to the face.

“Stop fighting it, Billa.”

“SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!”

“Too late for that now. You’re going to get what I wanna give you.”

Bill hadn’t wished so hard for something to happen in his life. He wanted his brain to fire up. He’d rather wake up covered in his own urine and vomit than be raped by the man who was supposed to be his father. He looked up and the world around him turned into kaleidoscope and he felt as ease. He knew his father wouldn’t try and have sex with him if he were having a seizure. But that didn't appear to stop him. Bill was merely having an aura. He was partially aware while Jörg tugged down his jeans and exposed his boxers. He couldn't call for help or anything. The teen simply laid still while his own father shoved his fully erect muscle into him. Bill couldn't think or focus. Jörg was pumping in and out of him, grunting loudly with each passing second. Bill could feel and he felt like utter shit. 

“You were so tight, my Billa.” His father whispered.

The teen’s body got incredibly tense and he let out a pained groan. The older male rolled his eyes and pulled up his pants before he started to convulse out of his own control. The old man didn’t care about his son’s safety. He simply placed his head on a pillow.

“When you’re done pretending, you can clean up this mess.” He stated with an annoyed tone and he left. 

Bill was not breathing as his face was mashed into the pillow. No one could hear the squeaks coming from his mouth because they were muffled. Tom was putting his guitar in it’s case when he felt something was wrong. He stood up abruptly and looked around the stage area, The crew was taking down the background pieces and the lights. Georg noticed that Tom was looking for something.

“Hey bro, everything okay?”

“No, Bill has been gone too long. Something’s not right.”

“I’ll go check on him.” Adam piped up.

The blue eyed male ran back to the bus and saw the door was open. He stepped inside with caution not knowing what state the bus would be in. Bill wasn’t the type to just leave the door wide open no matter how pissed. He liked security. He walked slowly to the kitchen area and from there he could hear muffled noises. 

“Bill? Are you okay?”

He followed the noise to the bunk and saw Bill on the floor. His face in the pillow still succumbing the relentless monster.

“Oh god, not again!” He exclaimed.

He quickly picked up the teen and held him against his body. He pulled out his cellphone and called for emergency. Bill was blue in his lips, fingers and his toes. Adam deduced that from the spots of blood on the pillow that Bill had bit his cheek and tongue. He knew he’d be in pain for a while. That didn’t stop him from frantically giving out the directions to the bus that sat parked in the parking lot. He tossed his phone to the side and didn’t give calling his family second thought. The only thoughts running through his head were the thoughts of helping Bill.

~*~

I was in the other parking spot helping the crew pack up the last of the guitars when I saw flashing blue lights. I recognized those sounds anywhere. Panic set in when I saw those lights pulling into the parking lot where we parked our buses. I dropped my guitar case and jumped from the truck. I have never run so fast in my life. But I was worried about my brother. My pants tripped me up and I face planted but that didn’t stop me from getting back to my feet and running right to the bus. I saw the ambulance parked outside and my heart plummeted. My feet carried me into the bus and I was being held onto by my mother and a few cops.

“Let me go! Bill, I’m here! It’s going to be okay!” I called.

I shoved past everyone and managed to get to where they were holding my brother. Adam was cradling his head while he seized. The paramedics were trying to decide how they would get him out. I failed him. I wasn’t here to hold him. He had to seek comfort from someone who wasn’t me. I wasn’t there to hold him. My whole body felt like pins and needles and each step was causing me great pain. But I had to be there. I got down on the ground and held his hand. But what bugged me was Adam was crying. I could see the tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know. I just started crying.” He sighed.

This guy was starting to feel for my brother. I could see it in the way he gently caressed his face, in the way he was calmly telling Bill to come out of it. It was like watching a husband talk to his wife. This was bothering me straight to the core. This man was making my brother question who he is and it’s bothersome. I don’t like Bill doubting himself. Frankly, I don’t like anyone near him besides our friends, our family and our crew. To see another man holding my brother like I would no longer saddened me, it pissed me off. I wasn’t about to lose Bill to this grown man. I know more about my brother than he ever would. I felt so compelled to pull my brother from his grip but my better judgement knew that Bill would get hurt had I done that. I simply held onto that hand but in the back of my mind I knew who to watch and it wasn’t my father.

The ride to the hospital was horrible. The fans were all anxiously waiting for us and I could see their worried glances from the window of the ambulance. Adam was helping the paramedics because he was apparently far more qualified than me. That made my blood boil even more. I wanted to just tell him to fuck off but decided against it when I saw that he was actually of use for one and two my mother was right there and she'd probably choke me out. But seeing someone care for my brother and look at him dotingly like myself or my mother or my stepfather would, gave me this stinging ping pang of anger. I wanted to hit the wall or maybe Adam. 

What hurt even more was I wasn't allowed in the emergency room. Adam was the last person to see him because he was helping the EMTs. My family, friends and I had to sit in the lobby. I didn't want to stay here bouncing my knee. I should be holding Bill's hand singing in his ear to calm him down. When that bastard came through the ER doors, it took every nerve I had to not jump up and tackle him. I had to stop myself from using my belt to strangle him. 

"They're going to administer a few anticonvulsants to try and stop the seizure. But they're worried this may be psychological and not epileptic."

"Why would they consider that? He's got epilepsy and I told them that." My mother said. 

"I know but they feel that it may be from PTSD or something because of the length and the convulsion. Plus he's mumbling something while seizing which isn't normal epileptic grand mal seizure behavior."

"My brother _isn't_ “normal”. Don't compare him to others."

"Those are the doctors words not mine." Adam defended.

“I don’t give a fuck! You said them not some guy in a lab coat!”

“Tom, please don’t do this now. This is not the time to be yelling at Adam. He’s just trying to help. Let him help, please.” My mother pleaded.

“No, mom, I am sick of this faggot prancing around and doing everything that I am supposed to be doing for my brother. He makes me sick!”

“Tom!” 

“I mean it mom. I am not taking anything I’ve said back.”

Adam looked so discouraged and I didn’t care. I love my brother and only I am supposed to comfort him. He took that away from me. He could cry, curse and whine until he's blue in the face. My opinion of him shall never change. Bill is my brother, my twin and my other half. I won't lose him to that blue eyed monkey. I'm going to stand by Bill until the end. I'll defend him and I'll reassure him. Adam won't confuse and convert him into his world. Bill was happy with having random sex with a girl. Adam forced that lifestyle onto him. 

The doctor exited the ER doors with a look of pure discomfort. He looked over at us and detoured to the nurses' desk. He handed them a file and then started walking to us. It bothered me that Dr. Eubenstein couldn't be here but Bill needed a doctor. He went to mom first and pulled her aside. I couldn't hear them from my seat by the doors. She looked at the doctor with her hands pressed to her chest. It was starting to feel like they purposely left me alone with Adam. He had taken the chair next to mine and held his head in his hands. Why can't mom label this a misfire and send that asshole away?! I looked back at my mom who had a hand cupped over her mouth. What did he tell her? She was brought back over to us and she appeared disgusted. She stood before us and it took her quite a while to compose herself. 

“Adam, what exactly did you see when you got to the bus?”

“The door was flung open and the lights were out.”

“Mom, what’s going on?”

“Your brother was sodomized, forcefully.”

I turned to Adam and the rage in my body grew and I shoved him into the wall.

“You raped my brother?! What the fuck?!”

“I didn’t do anything to him, I swear! I found him on the ground and called 9-9-9. I didn’t fucking touch him other than to keep him from suffocating on the pillow. Besides, if I raped your brother, why would I stay here?”

“Because you’re a sick, twisted cum fuck! You wanted my brother to be gay like you so you figured raping him will convert him!”

“I would never hurt Bill!”

“I don’t believe that for one second! You are a sick fuck!”

My step father held me back from attacking Adam but that didn’t mean I still didn’t try. I was escorted outside by security and they were going to keep me there. But I was determined to get back in there. I was about to let Bill get hurt by him. That asshole was going to pay for doing what he did to my brother. I paced for a few moments and my step father found his way outside. 

“Bill is awake now. Are you composed enough to come back inside?”

“Adam raped Bill, dad.”

“No, he didn’t. They tested his DNA and it’s not a match.”

“Who else could’ve done it?”

“As Adam said, he saw the door was open and the lights were off. Any number of people could’ve raped him. But you were so quick to pass judgement on Adam because he’s gay and he kissed your brother. I’m sure Bill initiated as he said otherwise your brother would not have reacted as he did.”

“So you’re going to take that stranger’s side?!”

“I’m not taking sides, Tomas! I’m looking at the evidence. Adam is an innocent man. I won’t prosecute him. Now, Bill wants to see you. Are you going to calm down and come inside?”

“Fine! But I still don’t like him.”

~*~

“No, I’m not pressing charges.”

“Bill, somebody raped you. Just tell these officers who and everything will be okay.”

“I wasn’t raped. Look, I told you what happened. I was experimenting with my sexuality and I was using a sex toy up there, I must’ve had a seizure and damaged myself.”

“You were found with your pants pulled up and buttoned. The police didn’t recover any toys, Bill. Just tell us what happened.”

“Oh my god, nothing happened!”

“Bill, was it Adam?” Tom asked.

“No it wasn’t Adam because nobody raped me. I want to go home now.”

Tom shooed everyone out and it was just him and me. I crossed my arms across my chest and looked out the window. I couldn’t tell him. He’d think I was disgusting. I had to hide this from him. I had to hide this from everyone.

“Bill, please you can talk to me. Who did this to you?”

“No one did anything to me. I am fine. I told those cops and you what happened. I wanna go home!”

“Bill, look at me. This is serious. I am not about to let you get hurt.”

“Tom, I won’t say it again!”

He simply stood up and glared at me. I couldn’t stand him being mad but I couldn’t snitch. My father would kill him. He’d hurt my family too if they knew. I had no choice but to lie. Jorg Kaulitz was not a force to reckoned with. He could cause me pain. He could kill me. I wasn’t about to let him destroy my life . I am apparently gay and I should be able to handle it. Tom sat defeated on the edge of the hospital bed. He looked like he’d cry but I didn’t say anything. I wanted to hold him and tell him everything but I had to go back to my father when we left. He was still on this tour. 

“Tom, please believe me. Nothing happened.”

“Did you take your medication?”

“Yes. I would never miss a dose. Why?” 

He bit his lip and got up. I watched him cross the room and he stood by the window. I removed the blanket and got out of the bed. I walked that cold floor and stood behind my brother. It hurt because I was dragging that IV behind me. I put a hand on his shoulder and he looked back at me.

“Bill, it’s never gotten that bad before. It wasn’t from missing a dose either. Bill, please just tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothing. I wish you would just drop it.”

“Bill, tell me what’s going on?”

He gripped my shoulders and shook me. It terrified me because he had never done that before. Normally he’d just let it go. But he seemed to simply change in that moment. My brother’s eyes grew dark and he looked like he’d either cry or scream. I looked away and held back my tears. I wouldn’t give it away. He couldn’t know that I was in pain.

“Look at me, Bill. Tell me who raped you?”

“No one. Why won’t you believe me?”

“Because I know you and I know that you’re lying.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Bill, you raise your eyebrow whenever you lie. You also shift uncomfortably.”

“Tom, I don’t care what you saw. I am telling you that nothing happened. Now, let me go. You’re hurting me.”

“Fine! Don’t tell me, but I will find out !”

“Find out what? There’s nothing to investigate.”

“Bill, please, you can tell me.”

I pulled away from him and went back to the bed. I sat down and looked at my hands. This was going to tear me apart but I had to keep this a secret. I love Tom to death but I wasn’t about to tell Tom my own father raped me. No, this is something that I would never tell.


	9. 9

As the anxious teen sat in the hospital waiting for what he considers incompetent staff to release him. He glanced down at the IV in his arm and he wanted to rip out. It was one little seizure to him. It didn’t matter. He didn’t see the urgency. He was still breathing and none of his organs failed. So what if it was nearly an hour long? His first seizure was an hour and thirty minutes long. He rolled his eyes every time a new nurse came in and checked his vitals.

“I’m not going to die you know.” He sighed.

“Just procedure.”

“Okay, can you tell me when I’m going to be discharged?”

“Um, the resident psych wanted to have a moment with you.”

“I don’t need any therapist. Just get me my fucking discharge papers and let me go.”

“That’s not policy. We have to make sure your brain is okay before we let you go.”

“I have spent one night here! Why didn’t you test it yesterday instead of asking me why I had rectal tearing?! Why didn’t you have your shrink talk to me instead of accusing me of being raped?!”

“You had only been conscious for thirty minutes. You could’ve been in shock.”

“You obviously don’t do research. I am epileptic, I don’t wake up shocked anymore.”

She sighed and wrote something in his chart. Bill couldn’t stand the look of pity she was throwing at him. He wasn’t too happy with the weak smile she was putting out either. He crossed his arms across his chest and groaned. She took this as a sign to leave. He looked out the window and watched the leaves blow in the wind freely while he was tied up to the scratchy sheets of this ugly white room. He sighed and closed his eyes, When he opened them again, his tired hazel spectrals caught sight of the ID band latched to his wrist. Those ugly letters formed the horrid disorder he was forced to face everyday. It never hit him before but with recent events he realized how truly vulnerable he was. 

He gripped it and ripped it off and tossed it into the trash can next to his bed. He hugged his own body and bit back the tears. He didn’t want to cry because he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn’t about to allow it to get him down. But he felt that familiar pang in his heart that willed him to wanna cry. He squeezed tighter and his head snapped up when he heard the door creak open.

“Hi you must be Bill. I’m Dr. Hans.”

“Can we get this psych eval over so I can leave?”

“Hasty aren’t you.” She smirked. “Are all celebrities this hyper?”

He rolled his eyes and looked away from her. She was pushing his buttons by standing there. She took the chair closest to him and opened up her notepad. Bill couldn’t stand that grin she was sporting or the smell of coffee he picked up on her breath. She wrote his name on the page and then took the time to go over his chart.

“So, it says you’ve got some damage to you rectum, but you say it’s not rape.”

 

“It’s not. I’ve told everyone in this fucking hospital of squirrels that I was using a toy up there and had a seizure and hurt myself.”

“But the person who found you, said they found you with your pants up and there was semen. We cannot test the semen however without there being an investigation and you won’t provide a suspect.”

“There is no suspect! I am trying to tell you people that I wasn’t raped. Just let me go home, please. I don’t wanna be here anymore.”

“Bill, where’s your ID bracelet?”

She glanced into the garbage and saw the plastic band. She wrote that down and tried to deduce what her next question would be. She was trying to see if she should still talk about his epilepsy or the rape that obviously happened.

“Bill, look, I want to help you.”

“Excuse me, bitch. You’ve only known me for twenty minutes. I don’t know you nor do I like you.”

“I am only trying to get to the bottom of this.”

“The bottom of what?! Look, I just wanna go home and get back to work. I don’t wanna sit here and I don’t wanna talk to you! Where is my mother? I want my mother and I want her now.”

“Bill, can you just relax? We haven’t administered any drugs today and you could have another seizure.”

“Fine, just give me the fucking drugs and let me go home because I have nothing more to say.”

He crossed those arms again and she groaned and slammed her book close. The therapist got up and closed the door and locked it. She looked very annoyed. The woman removed her coat and tossed it across the room. Bill watched her with his eyes but didn’t change his expression. She tossed her book off the chair and pushed the chair back. 

“What’s wrong with you, huh?! Are you too big and mighty to get help? If someone is hurting you, you are supposed to tell someone so you can get help! Everyone here at this hospital wants to help you. Why must you act like this?”

“I don’t wanna talk anymore. Now get out and take your fucking attitude with you.”

“I am not leaving this room until you tell me who did what to you. My son was your age when he was beaten and sodomized at boy scouts for being gay. He died later that year. He took his own life. I swore I’d help others from falling down that same path.”

“Look, lady, I’m not suicidal and now I have a headache, get out! Now!” He ordered.

She took her things and stormed out with tears in her eyes. She was so pissed she started crying. The woman made it back her office and she was confused as to why she got personal with a kid she just met. She felt this pang of guilt because she lectured him and he only wished to be alone. The seasoned therapist took a swig of liquor to calm her nerves and called the mother into her office.

“Are you alright, doctor?”

“I’m fine. Just got a little emotional. Your son is being hurt by someone. He’s very distant and hostile. I also believe that he’s having trouble with his seizures. I saw his ID bracelet was tossed into the trashcan and that might be causing some emotional issues.”

“That’s impossible. My brother hasn’t had a single issue with his epilepsy in years.”

“Tom, please...look can you fax your notes and reports to his doctor. I have her information here and I will schedule an appointment with her and my son.”

“Of course.”

“Can we take him home now?”

“I’ll have the nurse write up the paperwork. Just try and coax him into talking about the rape. I know deep within me that someone assaulted him.”

The tired mother took herself to the room where they kept her son and he was putting on his clothes when she spotted bruises on his body.

“Bill, where did those come from?”

“My seizure mom. I fell and it bruised me.”

She bit her cheek to keep from responding. She just packed up his other things from the night before. Tom watched his brother carefully and stood by in case something happened. Bill was clearly tired and was anxious to return to the bus. The screaming mob of fans was the last thing he wanted to encounter. But he pulled the shades onto his face and took the sharpie from Tom. He looked at his brother from behind the dark tint of the glasses and sighed.

“I’m fine, Tom. They gave me medication and whatever happened last night won’t happen again.”

He walked ahead of Tom and left the room. His twin watched his mother wipe away a small tear and pull a chain from her pocket. The clasp was broken and it was small. She ran her fingers along the metal plate that was on the front.

“What’s that, mom?”

“Oh this old thing. It’s Bill’s old medical alert bracelet. I hold it because it reminds me of when he was innocent and happy before this took over his life. I feel like I haven’t been a good enough mother. I’ve been thinking about how I’ve had him endure so much because I wanted him to be normal and safe. It’s funny, when he was five years old he used to look at me and then he’d caress my cheek and tell me everything was going to be okay. He’s always been a bright boy.”

“Mom, he still is.”

“I know, I know. I just worry for him. He’s got so much on his plate and those damn Child Services people refuse to listen to me when I tell them that Jorg is a bad parent. They overturned the restraining order and they won’t get that bastard to go away. I’m trying my best to just make my sons happy.”

“Mom, one step at a time. Why don’t you start by getting rid of Adam? Hell, that’ll make me happy.”

“Tom, look, I think that Adam actually proved his worth. He found your brother when he was suffocating.”

“Mom, I don’t like that you hired someone else to do my job. Bill is my brother and I alone will be his companion. I am supposed to be his soulmate not that emo faggot.”

“Tom, don’t use such horrid language. Look, I know it’s tough but sometimes you need to realize that there are things in this world we have to just deal with. I see Adam as a sort of freedom for Bill because he is a qualified adult who knows what to do in a situation. You are just his brother. You have to see that with Adam there Bill has a chance to be safe. I want him to be safe. You may not think hurting you’re brother but you like to hold him during seizures and that’s harmful.”

“Adam held him last night.”

“He had to flip him over, I’m sure. That’s what I was told. He only held him to stop him from suffocating and dying from asphyxiation.”

“You are honestly defending someone who’s not your family. Someone who’s making Bill question his entire personality and lifestyle.”

“Tom, we will discuss this later. Get his things and let’s go meet Bill in the car.”

Simone left the room and used her shades to cover the tears falling down her face. She made her way to the van and saw Bill was fast asleep in the back seat. She took the blanket out of the back and draped it over him. 

“Adam, thank you so much for finding him. I am happy he’s alive. He could have suffered serious brain damage or worse.”

“It’s my job, Mrs. Trumper.”

“I know but I still have to thank you. I’m sorry Tom is so…”

“Don’t apologize for him. I know what it’s like to want to protect your younger sibling. I have a little brother and I am willing to kick anyone’s ass if they hurt him.”

“I see, well just continue to do what you do. I’m sure Bill appreciates it.”

“Are you crying, Mrs. Trumper?”

“Wha?! Oh no, I was um, it’s kind of cold outside and it made my eyes tear up that’s all.” 

She wiped away the tears and looked out the window. The fans were all singing one of their songs and it touched her a little. Her son was loved and had a devout following. He was something more than a small village kid with a neurological disorder. She often worried about what kind of work he’d get into. He tried getting small jobs to help pay bills but they all rejected him. Their village wasn’t used to epilepsy and didn’t even know what it was. They had to go out to the city for any medical needs. That’s why she did all she could to get him help. She wanted him to be happy. 

Bill whimpered in his sleep and turned away from the window and faced his mother. She wiped the hairs from his face and kissed his forehead. He was sweaty and mumbling no is his sleep. But she didn’t notice. She just turned to her phone and called Bill’s doctor. They held a conversation about adding an extra date to Bill’s therapy while Bill’s mind was being raided by horrid nightmares. 

_“Hold still, little Billa. Daddy wants to play with you.”_

_“No! Stop it! Mom! Dad!”_

_Bill tried to run but tripped and fell. He tried to pull away and he kicked and screamed but no one came. His screams had gone unheard and he was forced to suffer the same abuse again. He saw blood and his tears mixed with it. He felt his father’s throbbing muscle penetrate his rectum and he screamed even louder. No one helped him._

_No one helped._

_No one._

***

As Bill took his afternoon medication, he glanced out the window at the scenery. He hated nature. He’s hated ever since his father took he and Tom camping when he still loved them and he tried to drown Bill when Bill had a small seizure while swimming. He simply twitched and dropped a toy that went to the bottom of the lake and his father held him under. Tom came to the rescue and he stopped him before he killed him. Now, Bill doesn’t like to be anywhere near untouched nature. He has full on panic attacks.

“Great news, boys!” Adam announced.

“What is it?”

“We have a break and Georg said he found a great hangout spot.”

Bill sighed and glared at his computer that was open next to his left hand. He saw the fans discussing his emergency admittance into the hospital and he had to hold back from cursing. He hated lying to them but his career meant everything to him. He knew telling them would possibly change how they looked at him. He closed the macbook and went into the bunk area where he sat and looked out the window at his band take the time to be free from the bus. He saw Adam even joined them.

“What’s wrong with me?” He mumbled to himself.

“You aren’t fully matured but don’t worry. I’ve got you covered my little Billy.”

“Not now, please. I’m tired.”

The man didn’t care he pushed his own son onto the floor but Bill didn’t move. His hair was sprawled out underneath him and he let the sexual assault continue. He looked at the skylight and watched the clouds pass. His mind made him go to another place. His vision blurred from the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. He couldn’t look down at the man he was supposed father. He couldn’t face the fact that he was being raped by his own blood. His eyes trailed to the clock that sat in Georg’s bunk and he saw that this was happening for about thirty minutes. 

“Are you enjoying it, Billa?”

“Y--yes.” He stammered.

“Good, I was hoping I wouldn’t disappoint.”

Bill didn’t move when his father left him. He just laid on the floor in tears. He finally gathered himself when he heard the others returning. They were covered in water and laughing. Even Tom, who was slowly growing to like Adam.

“Bill, are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Stop asking so many questions, Adam.”

“You look like you’ve been crying.”

“I haven’t been. Just please shut up and leave me alone.”

Adam followed the boy into the lounge area and watched him plop down on the couch.

“Bill, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, why don’t you go have fun with my friends while I just sulk up here...alone...as usual.”

“You don’t have to be alone you know.”

Bill looked up at Adam and the two had this intense stare down. Bill’s hazel pools and his blue ones. Adam advanced on the younger boy and pulled him into his lap. Bill visibly flinched but Adam chose to ignore it. He just held the boy on his lap and moved the hair from his face. Bill’s heart raced as he could hear every sound that radiated from Adam. He smiled a little when he heard that their heartbeats were in tune. Bill couldn’t help himself. He leaned in and kissed him. Adam wasn’t surprised this time. He responded and their little stare down turned into an intense makeout session. 

Bill was loving this closeness. He felt loved and it was probably the most love he’d gotten from someone outside his family in a long time. His long fingers found Adam’s hair and he clenched it in his hands. Adam moaned in his mouth and when he heard footsteps he quickly pulled away.

“Why’d you stop?”

“Because she’s…”

Bill turned and saw Sasha standing there in her usual short skirt, crop top and stripper heels. She was covering her mouth and Bill quickly climbed off Adam and looked at her.

“I was here to wish you a happy birthday but I see you are getting it from your fucking nanny.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Whatever, fag.”

“Sasha, wait. I’m telling you it’s not li---. Wait, what did you call me?”

“A faggot, a loser. I always knew that you’d go gay on me. I was only screwing for perks. Look at all the free shit, I get. VIP passes, clothes, front row seats, and I get free dick on occasion.”

Bill approached the woman and glared at her. He was tired of being used, abused and mistreated. His hand drew back and he slapped her. She gasped and ran from the bus.

“And never come back, bitch.” He called after her.

Adam looked away and out the window. He knew how much that girl meant to him. It was his one tie to his so called straight lifestyle. He was holding out this small hope that maybe he was just confused. But Adam saw that look in his eyes. He no longer wanted to hide behind that mask. He wanted to come to terms with who he was. He was not about to lie anymore.

“Adam, I’m sick of people using me. Don’t ask me why I’m telling you because even I don’t know anymore. But what I do know is that I can no longer hide it. I am sick of being the punching bag.”

“You can be honest with me, ya know. I told you, you don’t have to be alone.”

“It’s your job to stand by my side and be my companion. How can I trust that your intentions are pure? You already told everyone that I practically forced myself onto you. How do I know you won’t run and tell people the things I tell you?”

“Bill, my job means nothing to me. Look, I want to be there for you. I probably will still be there even when my contract runs out in three years.”

Bill walked back to Adam and sat back on his lap. He leaned into him and let the older male cuddle him. He never felt this close to anyone except Tom. He wasn’t aware that his twin was standing at the entrance of the lounge hidden from sight holding a birthday present for his twin. He had tears falling down his face because he felt he was losing his brother. He didn’t talk about it. He just slowly started to shun his brother as days progressed. The twins were freshly eighteen and Bill was excited to get his new tattoo. Adam went with him and watched the ink get put on his skin. 

Bil didn’t mind walking hand and hand back to the bus with him. Tom was furious however. He was strumming chords on the guitar and giving the evilest eyes he could at his twin when he returned.

“Tomi, is something wrong? You’ve been distant lately.” Bill asked when he went to grab a water from the mini fridge.

“Nothing is wrong, Bill. I’m just tired.”

“Okay.” 

When Bill disappeared into the bathroom area, he was pulled into the stall by his father.

“Let me go! Stop it!”

“You are getting to close to that man, I’ll teach you a lesson for cheating on me.”

Bill wasn’t having it now. He couldn’t stand the constant abuse that he was suffering anymore. He shoved the older man off of him and make a break for the door. But he recovered and grabbed the boy. He pushed him into the door and ripped off part of Bill’s shirt. He kicked the man in his balls and ran from the bathroom.

“Tom, help me please. I didn’t mean to lie about the assault. I was raped. I was raped by daddy.”

“Why don’t you go run and tell Adam? Unless this is a cover up because you two are hopping in the sheets and don’t want anyone to know.”

“Excuse me? Tomi, I am being honest. Dad raped me.”

“Why should I believe you? You were so adamant about there not being any rape and once you and that asshole hook up, suddenly there’s a rape. Go cry on his shoulder.”

“Tom, I know that I haven’t been a hundred percent honest with you. But you need to understand, I did it to protect you. What if daddy hurt you because I told someone? What if he told the world that I was gay or something?”

“Aren’t you gay, Bill? Don’t lie to me, are you gay?”

“Would you love me less if I were?”

“Of course not. I just hate knowing that my brother cried on someone else’s shoulder. I just hate knowing that my brother told someone else how he feels.”

“Tom, I don’t know what I am right now. I just know that Adam makes me feel a little better when I’m having bad days. When I cried on his shoulder, dad had his way with me earlier on. I was so confused and hurting. I needed to just speak to anyone and he was there. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You didn’t. But are you being honest when you say dad’s the one who raped you?”

Bill nodded and looked at the ground.

“It started with just molesting me. He first did it when I was a lot younger but I didn’t know what it was back then. He stopped and then when he came back he started again. It wasn’t bad until he told me that I was ready to get what he had to offer and he raped me for the first time. I lied and said he didn’t because I scared. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

Tom pulled his brother into himself and held him close. He caressed his head and kissed his cheek.

“It’s going to be okay. We’ll tell mom and he’ll go away. I promise to never let you down, Bill. I won’t let that man hurt you ever again.”

Bill held his brother, his true soulmate. The only person who knew him better than he knew himself. He felt better knowing that he had two people he could count on.


	10. 10

They took Jörg to the precinct the minute the twins told their mother. He was very loudly protesting as they put him the back of the cop car. Bill held onto Tom as a lifeline because he knew that this was merely step one of the long process that was ahead of him. Simone wanted to kill him but Adam held her back while Georg called the cops. They parked the bus once they met up on the road with the authorities. 

"Bill, tell me what happened?" The detective asked at the hospital. 

Bill needed a rape kit done and they needed to make sure he was okay. They brought him to the medical center and left the family outside so they could get a noncoerced statement from the broken teen. He didn't know how much this would affect him. He was trying hard to not cry. The detective was a nice woman who reminded him of his mother. The way she spoke was similar to how Simone spoke when Bill was having a bad day. 

"My father used to touch me when I was younger. I didn't know what it was at first because I was so young. He left shortly after I was diagnosed with epilepsy. He jut recently came back into my life and he started touching me again. That touching escalated to him...I'm sorry, can we do this some other time?"

"I'm sorry, sweetie we can't. We need your statement to investigate this matter. You're the only outcry witness."

Bill covered his mouth with his hand and let out a deep sob. The tears rolled down his cheeks and he wiped them away furiously. He hadn't been this vulnerable in years. He was so strong normally but as of right now, he was breaking down. He looked back at the detective and then at the white sheets around him. He was so scared, that he didn't allow them to take his clothes off to examine them. 

"It escalated to him raping me in the bunk area of our bunk on the floor. He'd beat me when I wouldn't let him do me." He mumbled. 

"Okay, get some rest." She said. 

"Can you tell Tom to come? I don't wanna be alone."

"He's been waiting outside. I'll go get him."

Tom didn't hesitate to rush in and hold his brother. Bill cried on Tom's shoulder and the latter remained a pillar of strength. He knew that his brother needed him right now. He caresses his head and tried to help him calm down. 

"Shhh, it's going to be okay."

"I hurt so much, Tomi."

"I'm here and nothing will hurt you again, I promise."

Tom glared up when he heard the door open again. He saw his mother and step father, his stepdad was holding his mother's hand and he looked like he had been crying.

"They've taken your father in and they um they need us to take them to the house to see if maybe they can find anything. Bill, sweetie, I need you to take off your clothes so they can test them."

"He was crying and fighting the nurse when she tried, mom."

"Bill, sweetie, this is hard for all of us but please can you? Tom will be right here."

Bill pulled away from his twin and looked down at the torn shirt that was underneath his hoodie. Tom helped him remove the sweater and Bill allowed the nurse to cut the fabric from his body. They gave him gloves to remove his jeans. 

"I'll be back so we can start the rape kit, okay Hun."

"O---okay." Bill muttered. 

Tom let his brother lean his head on him when he climbed into the bed. Bill messed with the uncomfortable paper dress but didn't really move much. He just looked blankly at the tile wall. The room was dreadfully quiet. Not a sound was emitted except for occasional sniffles coming from the crying teen. Freshly eighteen and he was the victim of a crime that he believed only happened to women. He felt Tom fluff his knotted up hair to get his attention. 

"I've gotta go, the nurse has to, you know." Tom sighed. "But, I'll be right outside that door."

"Okay." Bill said in a voice so small that had Tom not been sitting right there, he wouldn't have been heard. 

Bill was flinching as the nurse swabbed his rectum for fluids and applied some dye to find fingerprints. Bill felt violated as they took photos of the bruises, scratches and the bite marks. The nurse left briefly and Bill was alone to think. He had his back to the door and he heard it open. He saw a male nurse walking in and he screamed blue murder. 

"Get away from me!" He cried. 

The other nurse ran in and shoved him out. 

"I walked into the wrong room. I'm sorry." He apologized. 

Tom came in and cuddled his brother. His kissed his forhead and shushed him. Bill was crying but he felt safer with Tom. 

"My apologies, I had no idea that he was near here."

"Just go. Or is there something you need?"

"I was supposed to ask if um, if he was forced to give him oral."

"Bill?"

The teen shook his head and the nurse left the twins alone. Bill was clinging to Tom like a lifeline forcing the older brother to climb into the bed yet again to hold his brother.

***

"He's lying! I never touched him. His mother is making him tell this ridiculous story because she knows that Bill is making money. She wants all of it to herself!"

"Mr. Kaulitz, your son seems pretty convinced you raped him. Once the rape kit comes through we'll know for sure. Just tell us what happened."

"Nothing happened, I never raped him!"

"How'd his shirt get torn?"

"It was snagged on a nail. I was helping him find another shirt when that bitch tried to fucking kill me because she claims I raped him."

"So it snagged on a nail at the collar?"

"Yes." He sighed. 

The door of the interrogation room opened and the lead detective on the case was handed the results of the test. 

"Tell me then, Jörg, how'd your fingerprints get on his pants zipper near his genitals?"

"I folded up his clothes. My fingerprints are all over that bus."

"We also found ejaculation fluids all over the shirt he was wearing. Bleach can clean but so much. And your semen was found in his rectum."

"I want to talk to my son. He's being brainwashed by his mother. She's making him fake an illness and she's making him lie about this whole incident."

"You think we'd let you talk to that boy after you brutally assaulted him?! You raped your own son!"

"I DID NOT!"

"Keep professing innocence. I'm done with you. We've got enough evidence to put your nasty ass away for a long time."

The detective left and met with the twins' mother outside. 

"Are you going to lock him up?"

"If your son testifies to the crime at the trial he'll go away for long time."

"Thank you so much." She smiled.

***

I couldn't get any sleep last night. It's been four days and Bill still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. He'd have nightmares before but nothing like this. I hadn't realized that I spent my nights over cold black coffee until tonight. Bill had woken everyone up last night. but they didn't blame him. He was sexually violated by our father. That image haunts his mind. I'm still baffled at how he maintains the energy to perform.

The fans don't know about what we're dealing with. Tonight's the last show of the tour in Köln. I'm so happy that we can go home...with Adam and help him heal. He needs to just relax for a moment. The realization that Adam would be living with us hit me hard. I was always able to push that thought to the back of my mind but now it's really happening. That man will be living with us. 

I didn't like how he touched my brother. I don't care how big of a smile that he gave him. He was working not socializing. The way he held his hand protectively and the way he helped him put on his earpiece, it all bothered me. It was sickening to watch. Bill had to testify to the grand jury in three days in Berlin. I'm going to be there for him because the last time Bill testified against our father, he had a fit. 

"Bill, you still haven't put on your makeup and its twenty till curtain."

"Sorry, Tomi. I was feeling like I'd puke or something."

"If you're not feeling well we can cancel."

"Not this late. It's our last show, I'm performing." 

He skipped into the bathroom and I could hear the makeup tools be dumped onto the counter. I could also hear my brother swearing. He poked out his head and a large grin spread across his face. 

"I'm so excited my nerves are jittery."

"Don't forget the coffee and red bull." I chuckled. 

"Adam, come do my eyeliner."

My heart plummeted. Normally he'd ask me. How can this really be happening?! Did my baby brother just find someone else? I nearly dropped my guitar on the ground. Thank god this is the final show. I'll have the time to knock some sense into Bill. How dare he smile in my face and then ask someone else to do him a favor? Fuck it! I'm ripping him a new one now. This is some serious shit. He cries on my shoulder not that faggot!

I walked to the bathroom and saw they were fucking kissing on the sink. The makeup had long sense been forgotten with only one side done. 

"Bill!"

He pulled away and chuckled. He climbed down and picked up the various shadows and eyeliners. He bumped into Adam and turned into a little school girl, a giggling school girl. 

"For a guy who was raped, you sure act like everything's okay." I snapped. 

Bill looked at me and then back at Adam. That's when I realized he still didn't tell him that our father was doing it. I couldn't care less. Let him try and be with that jerk now when he's been opened up before. 

"Tom, how co---I'm going to finish up and go get in my spot. Excuse me."

He brushed past me and went into the other bathroom. But he wasn't getting away from me that easily. 

"Bill, you are being really ungrateful to me."

"Tom, this isn't the time for this. I have to get in the right mindset for the show."

"You smiled in my fucking face and asked that Queen to help you. Are you really that blind to think that I wouldn't get pissed?! I have been waking up at the wee hours of the night when you scream for me but you ask him for help?! What the fuck?!"

"I'm sorry, Tom. Tell me how many times have you done makeup correctly? More specifically, how many times have you done _my_ makeup correctly? I asked him because he does his own makeup. So what if I smiled in your face?! That doesn't give any right to say what you said to me in there!"

"Oh hop off it!"

He turned away from me and I grabbed his wrist. 

"You are not brushing this off your shoulder."

"Get your fucking hands off of me!"

He snatched his arm away and shoved me out. The door slam resonated through the entire green room. I got stares from the G's, David and the rest of our crew. This wasn't over. When Bill comes out of that bathroom, I'm continuing this conversation. He stomped out and slammed his makeup bag into his suitcase. 

"Like I said, you are not brushing this off!"

"Tom, I have nothing more to say to you! I'm done!"

"Well I'm not! How dare you act like my personal opinions don't fucking matter?! I'm pissed because you're supposed to be recovering from the assault and you're walking around like nothing happened!"

"Is that what you want?! To see me crying and in pain?"

"Yes! Then at least I know it's bothering you!"

Adam tried to coax me away but I wasn't budging. Bill was not getting away that easily. 

"Tom, don't push it, I mean it." Adam warned. 

"What do you care?! All you want is my brother in your bed, you sick pervert! You like broken teens, faggot?!"

"Don't talk to him that way! He's been the one person actually helping me through this!"

"I'm not helping." I stated. 

"You hold me when I cry but I can't tell you everything. You are too judgmental. When I was questioning my sexuality you were scared that to know I might be gay. I can tell him anything."

"Bill, we aren't gay! He's making you that way!"

"Excuse me? What do you mean we? Look at us! We are two very different people. Just because we are "identical", doesn't me you can tell me what I have to feel and think. A person's feelings are never wrong. So fuck you, Tom!"

"Fuck me! At least my father didn't shove his fully developed dick into my ass! Or maybe you liked it since you're obviously a fucking faggot like this turd! I'm sick of your selfish at--."

I was cut off my a strong smack to the back of the head. I turned and saw Georg's very angry face. 

"That's enough! Your brother went through a very hard ordeal and you think it's okay to mock him for that?! You don't deserve Bill. Now, we have a show. Shut the fuck up, get your fucking guitar and get your ass out those doors. You won't say another fucking word to your brother until you've learned to respect him."

I only did as he said because I'd rather not have those massive hands laying a beating on me. I wasn't planning on saying another word to Bill anyway. He crossed the line when he said that only Adam has been helping.

***

Their show was very tense. The fans could tell because Bill wasn't really dancing, he didn't go anywhere near Tom and he wasn't interacting with them. They decided to cut In Die Nacht out of the set list for the night. The twins were too pissed with one another. Georg kept a watchful eye on Tom to make sure he didn't try anything on his twin. They were packing up to head home from this drama convention. Bill was visibly upset with Tom but said nothing. He just pulled his long black hair into a low bun and proceeded to wipe the makeup from his face. Without makeup, you could see all the flaws in his face.

_'Nobody but daddy's gonna love you, Billa.'_

The teen dropped the remover pad and tears flowed down his face. He had not yet removed his eye makeup only the concealer on his cheeks. The black coloring dyed his tears black as they rolled down his cheeks. 

"I really am ugly." He whimpered. 

He placed both hands on the countertop and looked at the ground biting his lip. He leaned forward on his hands and his head was deep between his shoulders. He spotted Gustav's razor on the floor and he bent down to pick it up. He played with the plastic between his fingers for a moment. His teary eyes looked in the mirror and he slammed it into the counter, breaking it. He looked down at the now exposed blade and gasped. 

_'Hideous! You're a hideous beast! Only daddy can love you, little Billa.'_

His long bony fingers picked up the razor and he sat on the floor. He looked at the blade again and placed it to his wrist. He started sliding the blade across his flesh, hissing when the wound began to sting. He felt a sudden relief. He did it again and again and again until he had cuts making a patchy spot on his wrist. 

_'So very ugly and fat! You eat too much.'_

He dropped the razor and pinched at his stomach. He couldn't even tell what was happening. But he wanted control. He couldn't control his condition but he could control his body and what it looked like. He pulled his body over to the toilet and did what he'd seen his friend, Juliet do numerous times to lose weight. He shoved two fingers down his throat. 

Nobody knew that inside that bathroom, the normally confident boy was losing all self control.

~*~

Tom was glad they were only about three hours from home. He was uncomfortable with Bill's silence however. The twin was sitting on the plane to Hamburg with his headphones in. He hadn't said a word to Adam either. He looked back at his twin who was leaning his heavy head on the window. Adam was visibly worried too.

David had given them separate seats because of the fight they had earlier. He felt the twins needed space. Bill wasn't speaking to anyone though. He ignored Adam, he ignored David and he ignored the G's. They knew his reason for not talking to Tom was because Tom decided to insult him but everyone else defended Bill.

"There goes another one."

"Another what, Gusti?" Tom chuckled. 

"I packed razors for the tour and I know I left one on the bus but apparently I also left one at the venue."

"You better hope no fangirls find it and try to clone you."

"Ha ha, Georg." The blonde sighed. 

Tom turned away and again looked at Bill. But the teen hadn't moved. He made no effort to join the conversation. He just looked out the window at the clouds that moved past. Adam nudged him when the flight attendant came by with lunch but Bill didn't budge. That left the older male to have to lower both trays and put the sandwiches on them. 

"Bill, you have to eat and then take your medication."

The teen moved mechanically. He planned to throw this back up as soon as they landed. He didn't want to get fat. Fat to him was losing control of his life. He nibbled the white pieces of bread and didn't look anywhere but out the window. He could face them anymore. They'd see his insecurities and expose them. 

"Hey, Bill?" Adam coaxed. 

The teen only swallowed and took another bite of his sandwich. 

"You can talk to me about anything, you know."

Another unresponsive action. Bill just wasn't getting into a conversation. Tom stared back but he couldn't even tell what was happening because Bill had blocked his thoughts. Bill finally made a larger movement but it was to change his music. He didn't talk otherwise. 

"Bill, if this about your dad---."

_'Only daddy loves you, my Billa.'_

"Shut up." Bill growled. "Just shut up. I don't want any of you talking to me. Leave me alone."

Adam sighed and leaned his head on his fist. None of them knew what demons raided Bill's mind. None of them knew how much pain he truly was in.


	11. 11

"Home sweet home." Tom smiled. 

After being stuck on a plane for three hours and a car for two, the older brother felt some relief to stretch his legs. He watched his brother sulk behind him and disappear into the bathroom. Tom didn't know what more he could about Bill so he just decided to give his twin his space. He did insult his brother and shouldn't really try to talk to him. Adam trailed in behind carrying two of Bill's four suitcases. 

"Hey you mind grabbing the other two?"

"You're his companion how about you do your job instead of tonguing my brother down?"

The twin went into the kitchen leaving Adam very uncomfortable in the foyer. He brought the suitcases to the living room not knowing where Bill's room was in the large house. He sighed and went back outside to grab the other two bags when he heard yelling. I carried the remaining bags inside only to find the twins arguing...again. 

"Look, I am sick of your shit Tom! Stop talking to Adam that way."

"Oh so now you care about him. Whatever happened to you not needing him? Or is he giving you the best sex your eighteen year old body's ever had?"

"Tom, stop it! That's not why I'm defending him!"

"Does he blow you good then? Tell me why you're willing to defend him cause I don't fucking see it?!"

"Stop yelling at me! You always do this!"

"Do what Bill?! Call you out on your bullshit! The real reason why you can't tell me is you don't even know yourself! You're just a confused boy with a crush! This is fucking Sasha all over again."

"No it isn't Tom. I'm defending Adam because I've come to realize that he's the reason I've been able to keep this stupid grin on my face. Not you! I'm not having this conversation with you agai--."

Bill was cut off by Tom slapping him. Tom was expecting Bill to retaliate seeing as this physical altercation was long overdue. But all Bill did was cry. Tom went to hit him again but Adam held him off. 

"No let him hit me! Let him turn into the monster our father was!"

"At least our father loved me! He didn't want some screwed up faggot for a son!"

"Tom, that's enough!" Adam warned. "Bill, are you alright?"

He couldn't move. Bill's jaw dropped and his bottom lip quivered. He couldn't speak or do anything. Adam shook him and all Bill did was let out a heart wrenching sob. He hid in Adam's chest not caring how it made his brother feel. Right now he didn't want a brother. Adam shot a glare at Tom and looked back at Bill. 

"He's right! I'm a fuck up!" Bill sobbed. 

"No you aren't." Adam sighed. "Tom, how can you stand there and say that to him? He's going through the worse time of his life right now and you had to come out your mouth wrong! Look at how devastated he is."

The pain that Tom had been inflicting on his twin suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks and he tried to pry Bill off of Adam to hug him but Bill pushed him away. 

"Get away from me! I hate you, Tom!" Bill cried. 

The younger male ran up to his room and closed the door. Bill paced the room and ran fingers through his long black hair. He was crying and trying to find something to calm himself down. He found his song book and his iPod and went into his walk in closet. He tried to sit and write but he kept think about how Tom think he's a fuck up. He called him a faggot to his face. His anxiety dragged him to the bathroom and he searched the cabinets for a razor. He found the thin metal and he started to cut his wrist again. He cried as he watched small droplets of blood spill. He dropped the razor and went to the mirror.

_'Tom doesn't love you because you're fat! Look at you! How could your brother want to be with someone so unsightly?'_

"I'm fat and ugly." Bill mumbled. 

The teen leaned over the toilet with his toothbrush in hand. He put it in and waited for the vomit. It came rushing out and he cried as he threw up. He didn't care that he could be heard he just released the food from his stomach. 

"Bill, let me in." Tom knocked. 

"Go away! I want to be alone!" Bill cried. 

"Bill, please, I'm sorry."

"I said go away! It's okay if you hate me! I hate myself! You shouldn't have to pretend to like me. I'm the worst brother ever."

"Bill, I don't hate you! Come out or at least let me in. You're throwing up and I can hear you."

"Just go Tom! I don't want you right now."

"Do you want Adam?"

"I don't want anyone. Can I just be alone?"

"...fine." 

Bill sat on the tile floor with his head resting on the toilet bowl. His mind was slowly destroying itself. He wanted to live his life and be perfect for his family. This rape wasn't going to turn them against him. 

_'You're so disgusting. You let your daddy fuck you. Tom will never love you again. You'll be alone forever.'_

The teen gripped his head and let out a sob. He cried in a huddle on the floor not knowing that his twin decided to return and listen to him cry. Tom thought those tears were about the incident that happened between them. He had no idea a voice was making his brother do unspeakable actions.

***

"...and this is where you'll sit and speak."

"I'm eighteen not eight. You didn't have to give me a tour."

"Sorry, most of the child rape crimes I prosecute involve small children not eighteen year olds."

"No, it's fine. I shouldn't have said that. I'm tired that's all. So I'll be here and where will he be?"

"Right there with his attorney and behind him will be his support."

"And my support will be where?"

"Just behind that divider, behind me."

"Okay...he can't say anything to me right?"

"Yeah. When's the last time you testified?"

"I was thirteen but that was for a custody battle."

"Okay, ready to run questions."

"Shouldn't the other lawyer be here?"

"No, we only have to practice your testimony to make sure you're ready for the courts."

"Okay."

"Alright, so you'll say your name for record."

"Bill Kaulitz."

"Full name."

Bill sighed and pinched his nose to will this headache away. 

"Wilhelm Jorg Kaulitz." He sighed. 

"Named after your father?"

"Just my middle name. I'm changing it officially to just Bill later. Can we continue?" Bill stated. 

"Alright, I'll ask you to tell the court your relationship with your father."

"Alright...um, we were great for a while that I can remember until I was diagnosed with epilepsy. That's when he got distant and then he left."

"Perfect. Now, I'll ask on August 27, 2007 you were admitted to the hospital because of a seizure and you'd have to confirm it."

"Okay."

"Once you've confirmed it, I'd enter the hospital record into evidence and that's when I'll begin asking about the assault."

"Okay...I'm sorry for crying. I'm just so bothered by all of this. Why couldn't Tom be here?"

"I was told by your mother, he hates seeing you suffer and you'll most likely be torn apart by the defense attorney in fact, during the actual testimony he won't be present."

"I don't think I can do this alone."

 

"It's going to be alright, I promise."

Bill looked at the kind male and wiped away another tear. He felt that without Tom there it only confirmed his fears that his own brother hated him. He didn't know who would love him once this whole thing was public. He put his hands on his lap and looked down at them. 

"He started touching me when I was younger and I didn't know what it was. He left and then when he returned he started again and I was uncomfortable and scared. I felt that I couldn't tell anyone because he'd just deny it."

"That's good and did it stop with touching or did something more happen?"

"He kept up with the touching and one night when I was alone on the bus he raped me on the bunk area floor."

"How many times has he assaulted you?"

Bill zoned out. The memories of the physical attacks kept raiding his mind over and over again. He gripped his pants leg and let out a strangled sob. 

"Answer the question Bill."

When he popped his head back up he was in a full courtroom with a jury, judge and several others. He looked at his lawyer and choked back tears. The men and women of the jury felt bad for the teen and some would throw the book at Jörg but they knew they had to give a verdict based on the evidence provided. 

"Bill, answer the question."

"About four times. I tended to zone out during the acts because it hurt too much to know it was my own father doing it."

"No further questions, your honor."

"Defense, your witness."

"Bill, you said my client raped you on four occasions or possibly more but you can't quite recall, correct?"

"Yes."

"Why wait until now to report it?"

"I was scared. He's got a violent streak and he could've done something terrible to me or my friends or my family."

"Really? Exihibt B, your honor, it's a page from his journal."

"How'd you get that?" Bill asked. 

"Just read the highlighted passage."

"Do I have to?"

"Read it, Mr. Kaulitz."

Bill looked at the laminated sheet and sighed. This was the entry where he questioned his sexuality. The entry that Tom caught him with Adam's name sketched on his arm. 

"...I don't know why but that time I kissed him felt natural to me. I've kissed girls and none of them have given me this feeling before. It was as if he was the missing piece in the puzzle. I don't know what this means yet but I'd love to kiss him again, maybe more."

"Did you have sex with the male mentioned in that passage and when you realized it was a mistake, you accused your own father of rape?"

"No I didn't. I would never do something that horrible."

"Really. Your mother makes you do horrible things all the time. Bill, how long have you been an epileptic?"

"All my life."

"But you didn't get a diagnosis until you were about three?"

"I didn't have my first recognizable seizure until I was three. Ask your client, he was there."

"Bill, do you know it's physically impossible for identical twins to not share any and all common disorders, diseases and illnesses?"

"So I've been told. But Tom and me aren't exactly normal."

"There is no genetic link between your seizures and your family. It's almost like it popped up out of the blue."

"Objection, relevance." The prosecutor piped up. 

"Testing the witness' credibility, your honor."

"Overruled."

"I'm the first and I get that. Doesn't mean anything."

"It's also weird that right around the time you were assaulted your mother was at child services trying to get your father to 'go away'. Bill, are you lying about all of this to cover up for your mother?"

"No."

"Are you gay?"

"Your honor!" The prosecutor exclaimed. 

"Watch it."

"If he is gay and consorting with a male that would explain his rectal tearing."

"I don't know what I am."

"No further questions."

"Prosecutor, do you have anything more to say?"

"Yes I do, your honor."

"Bill, what happened when you told your brother what the defendant did to you?"

"He didn't believe me."

"What else?"

"He ridiculed me for it. He called me a faggot and said some truly horrid things to me."

"But he does believe you?"

"Yes."

"So what your saying is that even if you were gay he still believed in the end that a crime was committed."

"Yes." Bill squeaked. 

The lawyer picked up Bill's torn shirt and brought it to the front. Bill looked at the red design and remembered the night he told his brother about the rape. He remembered how Tom accused Adam but then he realized that his brother still believed him and cared for him. Bill could never hate Tom no matter what his twin said to him. 

"Bill was this the shirt you wore the night of the assault?"

"Yes."

It's torn, why?"

"I was trying to get away when my father pulled me into the bathroom and he grabbed my shirt and ripped it." Bill sighed. 

"Are you alright?" The judge asked. 

"My head hurts a little. I have afternoon medication I take and I guess I'm late."

"We'll break for a quick lunch and return in twenty minutes." 

***

I have never been so happy to see my brother in my life. I hugged him as soon as I laid eyes on those neatly brushed dreads. He looked so neat in his button down, slacks and shoes. He even pulled his pants up. 

"It's okay. I'm sorry I couldn't be there."

"It's still not over."

"Ah, ah, don't talk about the case, Bill."

"Hi, thanks so much Herr Tuckett for taking care of my brother."

"Anytime. Let's get some food in you and then you can take whatever you need so we can get started."

"Alright."

He brought us to this little room in the courthouse and we ate a light lunch. I have to throw this back up in the next four hours before it digests. But I have to wait until my medication kicks in first. I've thought about how this could work. It takes my medicine an hour to fully circulate. So that gives me four hours after that to purge before the food digests. 

"So Bill, Tom still has to wait outside until we've finished your testimony."

"I know. But he'll come when I'm done right?"

"Yes, I'll gather him as soon as you're off the stand."

"Alright. I'll see you in a little bit Tomi."

I was reluctant to returning to that courtroom. I didn't want to see my father or the people who actually stood to defend him. I spotted my grandmother and as usual she was throwing a scowl at me. She's always hated me and my brother. She feels we're the reason that my dad is a sadistic monster. It's kind of messed up but he did change after we were born apparently. 

I took my seat at the stand and the jury returned. I only had to answer one more question and then I'd be free to see Tom again. I hated doing this alone. He's said some awful things to me these past few days but he was jealous. Once this whole thing is over, we'll be close again. 

"Okay, picking up where we left off, you said you ran away Bill?"

"Yeah."

"How'd you get away from him?"

"I kicked him in the balls and ran."

"They took you to the hospital and got a rape kit that proved that he actually touched you, correct."

"Objection, leading the witness."

"They did a rape kit that could prove whether or not he raped you."

"Yes."

"No further questions."

"Bill, you said you were scared to tell anyone your father had raped you. We even have a statement from a nurse at the hospital that says you gave an excuse as to why you had rectal tearing. Why did you choose to fight back now?"

"I don't know. I guess I was sick of being hurt."

"Does this have anything to do with your little girlfriend breaking up with you? Did you accuse my client of rape because you were upset that your girl left you?"

"As you said, I'm gay so why would I have a girlfriend?" I retorted. 

"Defense rests, your honor."

"You may step down, Bill."

I was so eager to get down from that chair I practically tripped over my own feet. I met Tom at the table and he sat with me behind the prosecutor. I watched that man take the stand and he had a smug grin on his face. 

"My head hurts, Tomi." I whimpered. 

"It's okay, I'm here."

"State your name please."

"Jörg Kaulitz."

I looked up at him and this weird rainbow washed my vision. I tightened my grip on Tom's shirt and he looked at me with a worried expression on his face. 

"Are you having a aura?"

"Mhmm."

"Okay, I brought an injection. Just let me get it out of the lawyer's bag."

He tapped him and everything started blurring. I tasted dirt and blood. My hearing was blocked and I could feel myself fading away. The light was suddenly too bright and it felt like someone was shoving cotton down my throat. I never prayed so hard for Tom to hurry in my life.

~*~*~

"...my son and I had a gre---. Is he alright?"

The entire court's attention was drawn to the seats in the witness bar. Bill was twitching against his twin. Tom was holding Bill's waist and keeping him from falling to the floor or hurting himself. 

"Isn't that convenient? As I'm testifying, that little shit has a 'seizure'. Even more proof that he's faking."

"No he isn't." Tom groaned. 

He cooed his brother who soon stopped jerking and was leaning against his brother. He held onto him and let the teen rest against him. 

"Do you need another recess?"

"No, he'll be fine."

"Okay, continue counselor."

The rest of the trial continued without a hitch. The jury left to decide on a verdict and Tom made sure to give Bill his emergency medication to make sure he didn't have a full seizure. He held his twin tightly in his arms and he watched the door waiting for the jury to return. His grandmother glared at the twins from across the room. 

She hated their mother. She hated them by default. She just couldn't stand that they were the reason she had to watch her son on the stand today. She felt they were ungrateful bastards that lied constantly on their poor father. 

"Hey, Bill, are you alright?"

"What happened?"

"You had a partial seizure. Are you feeling okay now?"

"My head hurts but I feel better."

"That's good. They went to decide on the verdict."

"Okay." 

Bill snuggled into his twin and spotted his mother, father and Adam next to Tom. 

"Don't worry baby. They'll put him away."

Bill gently caressed his mother's hand and pulled a weak smile. 

"Everything will be okay no matter what, mom." He sighed. 

The family held their breath when the jury returned. Jörg smiled widely and winked at his son. No one but Bill saw him however. 

"Defendant please rise for the verdict."

They handed the judge the verdict paper and then handed it back to them. 

"Has the jury reached a verdict?"

"We have, your honor."

"On one count of physical assault how do find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

"On one count sexual assault how do you find?"

"Guilty."

"Jörg Kaulitz, you have been found guilty on all charges against you. I sentence you to thirty years at Hakenfelde Prison. You'll serve those years consecutively without parole."

Bill cheered slightly on the inside. He watched the guards take him to transport and he never felt so relieved. 

"I hope you're happy. My only son will be released when I'm dead." 

"He raped me. I'll never forget that. I hope he rots in jail."

The elder woman slapped him. 

"You are an ungrateful bitch! My son took care of you children. He brought you into this world. 

"He didn't love us. He only wanted to hurt us. I'm glad he's going to get locked up. Now he can feel the same pain he inflicted on me."

She scoffed and walked off with her husband. Bill turned back to his family and hugged his mother. 

"It's all over baby. Everything is going to be okay again."

Simone knew that with Jörg gone, she could finally have her family be the way it should. What she didn't know what that Bill was hosting a party of demons in his head and they were dictating all the teens choices.


	12. 12

Tom woke up to the sounds of Bill screaming his heart out. He raced from his bed and charged into the room. Adam was already there and holding the crying teen. Again his twin felt useless. He crossed his arms across his chest and held back tears. He still felt like Adam was taking his place. 

"What happened?" Tom asked. 

"He had a nightmare. I had to make sure he was okay."

"That's my job." He mumbled. 

His heart felt heavy as he watched someone else hold his baby brother, someone else cooed him. He wanted to pull them apart but he knew that Bill was in no shape to argue with him. His twin thought the nightmare was over but it turns out it wasn't. Bill will probably be plagued by those nightmares for a while. He grasped the waistband of his pants and turned to leave. 

"Tomi, wait." Bill whined. "Stay with me, please."

It didn't take much to make him take his brother in his arms. He held the trembling teen in his arms and didn't let go for a minute. He noticed his pulse was quick and he was sweating excessively. He brushed back his hair and looked down at his face. He was slipping in and out of awareness. 

"Adam, can you whip up a quick meal? Bill needs food."

"Sure."

Bill clinged to his brother for life but his nightmare played everytime he closed his eyes. He wanted so badly to just stop the noise. He wanted to stop the pain. Tom was his anchor right now. His twin was keeping him sane. The twins pulled strength from each other more or less Bill took more seeing as he was easily broken. The fans didn't know how weak their idol's confidence was. He smiled and fearless wore whatever but he didn't handle criticism or judgement very well. He was used to pain but the comments that others made, the hurtful statements and the harsh looks made him reconsider a lot of decisions. 

Tom knew just how unstable his twin was because he had seen it before. When Bill was in school and he had a grand mal seizure in front of everyone, Bill didn't pick up his head. He would cling to Tom and hide behind him. He would try and will the bullies to go away but that never worked. The term spaz was flung around and everyone soon gave him the moniker. That tore him through and he just couldn't function. That was the first time he ever cut. Everyday after school, he'd hide away with his razor and mutilate his wrists. Tom caught him once and he swore to never again do it. He felt like literal shit because he was cutting again. 

Bill panicked when Tom rubbed his arms. He knew that his twin would notice something. He shoved him away and hugged his body. He hid his face in his knees and sobbed. Tom crawled to his brother and placed a arm around his shoulders. Bill cried even harder feeling he had failed his brother. He was losing all control of his emotions not expecting for Tom to be this caring. He gripped his pajama pants and let out a deep sob. 

"Bill, it's okay. You'll be alright."

"No I won't." 

"Yeah you will. You're strong."

Bill looked at his twin in disbelief. He wiped away tears and looked away from his brother. Tom scooted around until he was facing his brother directly. He took his arms and took a deep breath. They had gone down this road before and he wanted to prepare himself. Bill simply glanced in that direction and went back to looking away. He couldn't fight anymore. He lost his will. 

Tom turned his arms over and saw the cuts on his arms. He didn't get angry like Bill expected, only sad. He started to cry and Bill was absolutely confused. Here, before his very eyes, was the strong brother this never batted an eyelash. He never cried. Bill stared intently at his brother and tears rolled down his cheeks. 

"Bill, I'm sorry. This is my fault. I shouldn't have hurt you and said those awful things to you. Just please don't hurt yourself."

"I wish it were that easy, Tom. But it's not only you. I just can't stop."

Tom found a sharpie on the desk behind him and he drew a heart on Bill's wrists, he wrote his name in the middle and then kissed each. 

"Everytime you cut, you'll be breaking my heart."

"Tom, don't do this. Look, I'm messed up. I let my own father rape me. I make a living fool out of you. Don't tell me how to cope." Bill snapped. 

"That's not true. Billa, I love you. I don't care about what dad did."

"Yeah you do. Everyone does. That's what people see when they hear my name. I'm done, I'll make my music but don't tell me how to live my life. Excuse me, but I want you to leave."

Bill pushed his own brother away and wandered into the bathroom. His face was covered in tears and he was digging his own nails into his flesh. He spotted the medication for his seizures on the counter and slowly approached them. The side effects said that he'd gain weight. The horror of possibly being bigger terrified him and he started the flush the pills down the toilet. 

"No more. I'm not taking those pills anymore." He muttered. 

_'That's right, Billie. You have to be beautiful. You have to look good. Get rid of those God awful white streaks and have straight black hair. You look ugly with that hair!'_

The teen started to remove the white extensions and he tossed them into the trash. He tried to will himself to smile in the mirror. But the voices in his mind told him his pout was far more beautiful. The teen swore to never smile again when he took photos. He had to be beautiful.

***

Dinner was an awkward silence. The twins' mother returned home a few hours before and was surprised to see that Tom had not been with his brother. Bill was out back smoking when she got home and Tom was listening to music. Usually they're talking about new ventures for Tokio Hotel or writing new music or just chilling together. Bill barely touched his food and that worried the mother. Gordon and she shared a worried glance and decided that Gordon should speak up.

"Bill, you love meat lasagna, is something wrong?"

"No, I'm tired. I've been up since seven."

"That's not healthy, sweetie. It's straight to bed after dinner."

"Can I go to bed now?"

"Bill, you need to eat." Simone sighed. 

"No I don't." Bill muttered. 

He mixed the food around on the plate and looked over at Tom and Adam. Bill wanted Adam to bail him out but even he knew that Bill was hiding something. The teen pushed the plate away and left the room getting some reactions from the family in dining room. He just wanted to be alone. He plopped down in his room on the chair by his desk and he stared at the ceiling. His mind was turning into a home to the vicious, dangerous and violent thoughts that he gained after his rape. He would never admit to being a victim. In his mind, his father was just the person who fucked him because he allowed it. He didn't fight back. He laid there until he had a seizure and then lied about it. He told everyone he hadn't been raped because to him he was not a victim. 

"Bill, it's me Adam. I wanted to talk." The older male said as he knocked on the door. 

"Go away." Bill mumbled. 

"I'm here to check if you took your meds and that's it."

Adam opened the door and Bill didn't move from his spot. He just sat still while his eyes moved around. Bill just couldn't deal at the moment. The blue eyed man walked into the bathroom and noticed the lack of medication present. He distinctly remembered putting the neon bottles on the counter. He searched the cabinets and couldn't find anything. 

"Bill? Where's the medication I put on the counter?"

"I'm really not in the mood for conversation. Come back later."

"This is serious, Bill! Where are those pills?"

"Not right now, Adam." Bill sighed. 

He was feeling really dizzy and was fighting an aura. His whole body felt thirty lbs heavier. He was numb all over and his vision was slowly fading. Adam sensed a problem and sat down on the bed. He located the video camera and propped it up like Simone told him to. Bill wasn't really in the mood for this but he asked for it by not taking his medicine. 

"Bill, tell me what you're feeling."

"I'm tired. I don't even pull that shit my mom does and ask me how I feel."

"I'm not. But can you sit over here?"

"No. I'm fine right here." Bill snapped. 

The teen leaned on the armrest and sighed. He was starting to wonder if he could deal with not taking his medication. If this is what he's gotta deal with everytime he doesn't take his meds then he'd rather take the pills. But the voices in his head willed him to think otherwise. He could hear them tell him to ignore the pills. He sighed and wiped his face with his hands. 

"Bill, I don't trust you sitting in that seat. Can you please sit next to me? I can't protect you from an injury of you're there."

"I don't need your fucking protection! When I did need it downstairs in the dining room you didn't bother to say anything. You let them lecture me."

"Bill, I'm sorry but I agreed with them. You've gotta eat so you can be healthy."

"Everyone thinks they know what's better for me! I know what I need and I don---."

"Bill?"

The teen stopped speaking mid sentence and stared blankly at Adam. He recognized the seizure activity and got up to stand next to him. He bent down and looked Bill directly in his eyes. He could see his dilated pupils and he saw how the teen was picking at his shirt sleeve. He took a hold of his arm and gently massaged it. 

"It's okay, I'm here. You don't have to be scared. Don't fight it, Bill. You'll be alright." Adam cooed. "TOM!"

The older twin rushed up the stairs in a flash. He was at the door breathing heavily trying to figure out what he was called for. He noticed the blank look on Bill's face and knew what Adam called for. He went into the closet and pulled out the emergency kit. Adam sat with Bill trying to help him regain consciousness. But nothing he did worked. 

"Come on, Bill. You can pull out of it." Tom sighed. 

"He's twitching, Tom move those things from the floor. I'm going to try and get him on the floor."

"Don't move him. He freaks out when people move him." 

Adam just watched Bill intently and looked for any slight convulsion, no matter how small. The younger twin's fists were tightly clenched and he was breathing irregularly. Tom gave Bill a muscle relaxant hoping that would smoothen the transition. Tom saw that his twin was going into it and immediately went to go grab a rag just as his foot hit the threshold of the bathroom, he could hear the air being forced pass his brother's vocal chords. Adam transferred the teen to the floor and let him ride it out. 

"Tom grab a pillow."

Adam put the pillow under his head and sat back on his knees. He moved the camera to make sure it was getting the event on film. Simone soon walked into the room and she wasn't surprised. Judging by his behavior from earlier she saw this coming. He was entirely too lethargic. That's why she sent Adam up to his room. 

"How long?"

"Absence: ten minutes, tonic clonic: about three." Tom answered. 

"Okay. I'll log it in the journal. I knew this was coming today. He's been so tired since the trial. I'm glad that he'll get some sleep. Don't forget to shut it off before he pukes. He finds that humiliating."

"Okay, Mrs. Trumper." 

Once he stopped seizing, Adam rolled him onto his side. 

"Adam?" Tom said. 

"Yeah?"

"T--thanks for being here."

***

I woke up with the worst headache ever. It didn't help that Tom was wrapped around me like a fucking cord. I looked over and saw Adam sleeping in my desk chair. He was using his fist as leverage but he was knocked out. I felt the uneven bumps on my tongue and remembered that I had been having an aura that probably led to a seizure at some point. I can't stand this shit. I wanna be normal.

Tom shifted in his sleep and pulled me closer. I didn't understand what he loved about me. I'm ugly, stupid and talentless. My own fucking father told me that before. I don't get why Tom doesn't have me replaced in our band. I'm not worth being around. I flinched when Tom's hand swiped my scars. He was peacefully snoozing and I was in tears. 

_'Such a fucking crybaby. Always crying when you see how much of a failure you really are!'_

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! I'm tired of this. I'm going to be perfect if it's the last thing I do. I'll show Tom, mom and dad that I'm the most perfect person in the world. They won't tell me I'm a loser. They'll shower me with awards because I'm so perfect. I can't be ugly anymore. I'll lose weight and then Adam will love me, Tom will love me too. I'll never take medication again because that's not beautiful. I've gotta be beautiful. No matter what anyone says I'll make sure that I look good. No more food, I'll smoke more and drink more coffee that way I don't get hungry. I've gotta be thin no matter what. I'm sorry for being such a monster, Tomi. I made you be seen with this ugly monstrosity. I'll look good and you'll see. 

Adam you need to have a good looking man by your side. That's not me yet. But I'll be hot. I'll wear tighter clothes and I'll even wear more dramatic makeup. I'll be gorgeous just you wait. The fans won't know what hit them. Tomi will be so proud of me. He'll see that he doesn't have to think I'm ugly. I'll be the envy of the world. 

I'm going to control my life. My seizures will never control me. I'll never take another pill. Those nasty things will never touch my tongue again. I'll find a way to stop seizing. Maybe I could avoid stress? From now on, I'm a new person, a _new_ Bill Kaulitz. One that Adam, mom, Tom and Gordon can be proud of. 

_'That's my little Bill. You don't need to eat or take medication to look good. You'll wow them all. Hehehehe... HAHAHAHAHAHA!'_

***

Something is wrong with my brother. He just seems to be drawing away from the crowd. We've been preparing for an appearance on Wetten Dass...? and he's been very distant lately. He doesn't eat with us and he hides out until rehearsals or performances. Adam even loses track of him. I don't know what's going on. He's been seen writing a lot in his journal but never actually speaking on it. He just smiles in our faces and says everything is okay. I don't like it.

"From the top of Ich Bin Da, guys." Bill smiled. "Stay focused or I'll be forced to get rough."

He was acting even happier and it was creepy. He was just a dark cloud of depression a few weeks ago and suddenly he's all ray of sunshine. I don't know what to do with him. I just watch him be Bill and perform. There's not much I can do. He's been acting like he's walking on clouds and I don't wanna be the one to burst his bubble. 

"Great rehearsal, see you later." He skipped off. 

I confronted my other band mates and we all agreed that something was wrong. Adam even agreed. He said that he often loses Bill and then he doesn't know what to do with him after he finally locates him. It's weird actually and very suspicious. I hope this has nothing to do with what happened a few weeks ago. I only wanted to help him. It's a little annoying to think that Bill doesn't want my help. I'm his twin for fucksake. 

Bill returned shortly before our appearance with the same grin on his face. He was infatuated with his phone and ignoring everyone as he walked in. Adam pulled him aside and Bill was not the least bit bothered. I couldn't hear their conversation but Bill looked a little annoyed after five minutes. Soon my twin pushed Adam aside and stomped over to me on the couch. He crossed his arms and pulled his legs up to himself. 

"Bill, talk to me." Adam pleaded. 

"Go away. I am fine and right now the only thing bugging me is you."

"Bill, we are all worried about you. Just please tell us what's wrong?"

"Go away Adam or I'll have you sent away."

"Fine!" Adam snapped. 

We watched him frustratedly storm away to the door and leave. He was obviously in a horrible mood. I didn't know what happened but all I know is that Bill is definitely hiding something if that's how he responded to Adam. He got up and left to use the bathroom. I didn't entirely understand my brother. He switches moods quite easily and it bothers me. I need him to open up to me. He needs to tell me what's bothering him. What demons is he hiding?

~*~

It hurts to be happy now. I have to force a smile and keep it like that for long periods of time. But I'm in pain. This new me is a process that I wasn't aware hurt so much. I have to be beautiful. Beauty means more than life. I looked at my black hair and sighed. I was still ugly. The date on the calendar in the bathroom told me that I had two months until 2008. Two more months to make myself beautiful before the year is over. I mustn't go into the new year ugly.

Four more scars on my arms and several silent tears roll down my cheeks. All I could think of was the pain my father put me through. He raped me. He forced himself into me. But I caused it. He knew I was too ugly to have a proper mate. He wanted me to have felt what I was getting myself into. I looked in the mirror and shyed away. 

"Not yet, I'm still to ugly to look in a mirror."

I've mastered doing makeup without using the tragic looking glass. It wasn't very hard. I simply memorize the contours of my face. I kicked off my boots and approached the scale. Taking a deep breath, I stepped onto it. The numbers got higher until the reached 198. I covered a sob. I was still fat. It wasn't working. Dammit! Why am I so fucking ugly?!

I tossed the scale into the mirror and watched the glass pool into the sink along with the scale, now broken. I can't do this anymore. I am not doing good at all. I can't eat anymore. I have to lose weight. I have to be beautiful. I can't be this ugly stain anymore. I heard Tom coming and I panicked. He can't know. He mustn't know that I am fat and ugly. He mustn't know I'm a monster. 

"Stay out, Tom! I'm getting dressed."

"Bill, I heard a crash in there. What's going on on?"

"Nothing Tomi. I accidentally broke a mirror. I was looking for my eyeliner and tossed something at it and broke it."

"That sound was too loud for something that simple. Bill, open this door."

"I'm fine, Tom. Just please go away. Please." I pleaded. 

"Bill, are you in some kind of danger? Are you hurting inside? Tell me and we'll get through it together."

"I'm fine. Just please, go away."

I waited until I heard silence and saw the shadow of his shoes leave the door and that's when I collapsed to the floor and started to cry. Why was this so hard? Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I be beautiful? I want to look good and be good for Tom, for Adam, for my fans and most importantly for my band. I have to be perfect. Why can't I be perfect?! Maybe the world is against me. Maybe the world wants me to just fail. Maybe the world wants me to die. 

_Maybe..._


	13. 13

Knowing your brother hurts himself isn't a good feeling. It's like someone is poking their bony finger in your rib cage. Bill wasn't supposed to be this messed up. I told him that first time that he can come to me any time and we can talk. I love my brother. He knows I'll do anything for him. This energy drained monkey wasn't my brother. My brother didn't smoke a pack a day and draw away from others. My brother wasn't depressed anymore. A part of me blames Adam for this nonsense. He shows up and everything gets flipped upside down. I know my dad had a part in this too because he raped him but Adam left him alone to get raped. 

My parents don't know what to do and pretty much everyone is walking on eggshells. I haven't even seen Bill today. He left a note saying he went jogging and he'd grab coffee to bring back. Why would he need to jog? We aren't touring for a while. This is our short down time and then we start planning our coveted trip to the US. We've been pulling some songs together to translate to English for the American fans we never knew we had. David is working out the kinks and we are taking time off until then. 2008 will be a busy year for us. Hell, every year is busy for us. 

The door was slammed and Bill stormed in holding a stack of papers. I figured they're probably angry parent letters but this wasn't his normal reaction to those. He just tosses them into the fireplace. He tossed the stack onto the coffee table and went out to the yard. If I had to hazard a guess it's to smoke...again. He didn't speak to me anymore. Only sad glances, sad and embarrassed glances. Taking it upon myself to read those papers I picked up one and it shook me to the core. 

"Tokio Hotel's Bill Kaulitz is a attention whore. How do you lie about your daddy fucking you? His sick ass probably wanted it...who wrote this shit?!" I exclaimed. 

He stormed back inside and tossed his cigarette into the trash next to the couch. 

"Nobody cares?! Nobody fucking cares?! You read that shit! Everyone thinks I'm some sick fuck that wanted my dad to rape me! Watch what the fuck you say next time!"

"Bill, this is one satirical magazine. You can't judge everyone from this."

"Have you read the forums?! Have you honestly read the fucking shit those so called fans of ours posted?! Have you seen how those disgusting fucks made fucking stories from this shit?! Tom, everyone is against me! I'm done. Tell David to cancel all appearances until every person sees that this shit is not a fucking game."

He stomped upstairs and I looked at the other printed out sheets. These girls...and guys are sick. This shouldn't even be allowed and I thought twincest was as bad as it could get. Adam walked in holding a basket of laundry and he looked slightly put off. I'm guessing he ran into Bill. My gaze caught him and I returned to reading this pile of nonsense. 

"What's that?"

"It's a bunch of crap. People are turning my brother's assault into sick fantasies and jokes."

"Has Bill seen this?"

"He brought it to me. He's not pleased either. He wants this to stop and he wants apologies. I'm going to call David and tell him to talk to the moderators of these sites. I'm going in person to this magazine that posted an interview with our father slandering my brother. Look, I don't like you but please make sure Bill doesn't get hurt or anything."

"Sure. It's my job and Tom I was wondering if you and I could talk."

"S--sure. I should head out. Keep this from mom and dad please. They'll freak out if they knew."

"Sure."

***

This week's cutting didn't drown out my pain. I still wanted to die. They were having fun with my nightmare. I can't believe the same fans that were supposed to be so supportive were now making terrible jokes and stories about my troubles. Those media bastards I expected but not my fans. They hate me, they all hate me!

_'Of course they hate you! You're still ugly!'_

I don't know what to do. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I don't take my medication and everyday I'm on the verge of seizing my brain out. It's not fair. I haven't lost any weight. I haven't changed. I'm just ugly. It wasn't any use. I should just kill myself and save myself the trouble. Maybe in this world, I'm not meant to live. As I sit on this tile floor I could slit my wrists or drown myself or I could jump from the window. I could even hang myself from the chandelier. 

"Bill? Are you up here?" 

Adam? Why is he here? I thought he was gone. I thought he left me alone. He must think I'm ugly and he's coming to tell me. I couldn't really be his. It was a foolish dream. To think that someone loved me. Those fans proved that I am unloved. They showed me their true colors. I hugged my body closer and cried into my knees. The bathroom door opened and Adam stepped inside. He didn't say a word. I just felt two warm arms around me. 

"I'm here for you." He whispered. 

I couldn't move. This wasn't what I expected. This must be a cruel joke that someone set up. I mean it. Someone set this shit up. Where's the camera at? I know someone is going to jump at and say 'GOTCHA!' But none of that. It was just, us in a bathroom crying together. Not a breath or anything. We simply existed together in this room. Why did Adam make me feel this way? He made my heart beat really fast and he made me curl my toes in my boots. 

Strangely enough I started taking in his scent. _Vanilla_. This was beyond strange for me. I'm normally not this attached. Like I was literally just willing to cling to him. He pulled away and his blue eyes locked onto mine. I opened my arms and placed my hands gently on his shoulders. This helped me pull our bodies closer together and I placed a firm kiss on his lips. The heat radiating off him was warming my cold face. His hands tangled themselves in my black hair and we were genuinely attached to each other. I cried but that didn't stop me. I had to hold onto this. He was the only thing making sense right now. Those voices in my head grew silent and for once I was in utter bliss. It almost killed me when he pulled away. 

"Bill, I didn't want to bring this up now but um, I found your empty pill containers in the trash. Are you doing something to yourself?"

"Adam...can we avoid this conversation? I feel like you're patronizing me."

"I'm not. But it's my job to keep you healthy and safe. Are you deliberately avoiding medication?"

I looked away and scooted closer to the tub. What was wrong with me? Here I've got this amazing guy and I'm so ugly he can't even stand kissing me. I'm just so stupid. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep people close, not until I'm perfect. Right now, I'm ugly and fat. 

"I'm getting better for everyone. Right now, I'm just a terrible person. That's why daddy felt he had to rape me. I deserved it. I'm just so fucking ugly."

"Whoa, whoa, Bill you didn't deserve that. He violated you and nothing in this world will justify that. You aren't ugly either."

"Then why does everyone hate me?"

"Nobody hates you. Look, you've got actual haters who only hate because you're doing so well. Your entire family cares so much about you they had me come in to allow you to have freedom but safety as well. They also wanted to provide you with a life long friend. The people who matter are those who support you. People like Tom, Simone or Gordon and me. Don't you give yourself grey hairs over fuckers who don't care about you."

"Adam, look at me. I need makeup to make myself look relatively attractive. Girls only like me because they think I'm fucking perfect. The fans would abandon me if they knew I had epilepsy."

"Have you ever considered telling them? You know, testing their loyalty to you."

"Adam, that's foolish and you know it. They'd chew me up."

I got up and stared at my tarnished reflection in the mirror. Every eye was on me and this was what they had to look at. I'm ugly. Everyone knows it. Adam is only trying to make me feel better. Just like to Tomi does he always tells me that everything about me is perfect yet deep down I've always known the sickening truth. I'm a stain. 

Adam wrapped his thick arms around my waist and kissed my neck. I looked at him in the mirror and he smiled. 

"Bill, you aren't the only one to have hated yourself. Long ago, I was a scared teen who didn't know what being gay meant. I wasn't flamboyant or feminine. But I found men to be the sexiest thing in the world. That lead to me getting the worse bullying in my school's history when I was caught kissing Dominick Elias in eleventh grade. He called me a sick fuck when his friends found out."

Adam turned me to face him and he took off that torn black sweater he always wore. He wasn't about the try and fuck me?! But he simply tossed it aside and flipped over his arms. Scars spread out across his arms including two long scars that indicated a failed suicide attempt. He smiled at me and took my hands. 

"Adam, please."

"Let me see."

He looked at my scars and I felt even more ugly. He gently ran his fingers along them and didn't make a sound. Tears prickled my eyes and threatened to fall. I know he's going to drop my arms, call me an ugly fag and leave. But instead he picked up my razor and counted all eight of my new cuts. 

"What are you doing?"

"Every time you bring this razor to your wrist and cut, I'll cut myself for each and every one."

True to his word, he cut his wrists eight times. I couldn't stop him either. He hissed a little from the pain but he still looked at me. 

"This isn't healthy but hurting yourself is like hurting me. From now on, we share one body. Your cuts, my cuts."

"Adam, please don't do this."

"Bill, listen to me, in these past couple of weeks I've watched you deal with shit that shouldn't have been thrown at you. I think in that time, I've fallen for you. Tom is your twin and I want to be there as... _something_. But that means that I'll have to help you stop causing yourself harm. I sent Gordon to get your medicine and together you and I will start fresh. No more smoking when you don't wanna eat and no more hurting alone. I'm going help you even if it kills me."

"But why?"

He didn't respond he just kissed me and that was the only answer I needed.

***

Tom returned with David to see Bill sleeping on the couch with Adam combing his fingers through his hair. That caused some jealousy to spark in the older twin. He gripped his keys tightly in his fists and sighed. Bill hadn't slept in a while so he decided to let it slide. _This time he let it slide._ He brought the manager into the kitchen and they sat down to look at the plan for getting those people to take those awful postings down and to recall all the magazines with Jörg's interview inside.

"Bill needs to see that we are working to help him too." David sighed. 

"He knows it's just he's kind of depressed. Dad took complete advantage of him and hurt him. He was being raped and now it's like he's reliving it. I want to make sure my brother is not being abused for something that was out of his control."

"He won't be. I'll work my ass off this get this crap out of the mouths of everyone."

"David? Do I seem, I don't know, jealous?"

He stopped writing and looked at me. He unbuttoned his blazer and leaned on the table clasping his hands together and looked at the table. 

"Is this about Adam?"

"Just answer the question."

"You aren't the jealous type. But you do seem a little...protective. I get that you love him and want to protect him but...Adam wants to do the same."

I was about to respond when he put his hand up. He sighed and looked away, his gaze caught Bill and Adam in the living room. 

"I wasn't supposed to talk about this but Adam called me at the office and requested that I allow him to accompany you guys to the U.S. and get on the stage. We booked him a flight and a seat front row. I wanted to inform you now."

"I don't want him there. He'll throw me off."

"I knew you'd say that and I'm sad to say that I am really trying to help Bill out. If Adam helps then I'm required to make sure he's happy."

"But what about me? I'm not about to stand by while he rearranges my brother's thoughts."

"He's not rearranging them. Bill feels genuinely comfortable with him. Look, Tom you're being a little envious and I think that Adam is good for him."

"Bill needs me not him, David. I am sick of getting second fiddle to that overgrown homosexual. He's got my brother thinking he's gay too."

"What if he is gay?"

"How could he be? I'm straight. Believe me when I say there is nothing I love more than a hot chick laying on my bed wearing her birthday suit."

"We've already discovered that it's possible for you two be different on this level, Tom. So if your brother feels he needs to be in a relationship with another man then you should do nothing but be there for him."

"Bill is _not_ gay!"

David simply closed the folder he was originally writing in and stared at me. He didn't speak or move he just stared. 

"Tom, this isn't about him being gay. You're scared that this is going to be the second thing you two don't share. I know how guilty you feel about Bill and his epilepsy but these are things you can't control. You need to learn that all you can go is be there for your brother and love him no matter what."

"I do, David. But twins are supposed to share thoughts, personalities and all illnesses. Why isn't it like that for us? Look at my twin, he's more comfortable cuddling with Adam oppose to me. I'm his brother and he never lets me do that to his hair."

"Tom, you and Bill meet on a brotherly level. Adam and Bill is more intimate than that. It's like two people who were just meant to be being together."

Before David could finish, Adam came into the kitchen. I saw that Bill had awaken and was surfing through TV channels. He sighed and looked at David. 

"I'll go talk to Bill." David said before walking out of the kitchen. 

"Tom, I'm here to tell you that I have noticed that you're not comfortable with me."

"I kind of told you that."

"Yes but I've never talked about it. I just let it fly over my shoulder."

"Adam..."

"No let me finish. I truly understand your brother. When I first got here, I noticed you kind of frowned at my clothes. I always dress like this to hide the scars."

"What are you talking about?"

He showed me his cuts which included fresh ones I'd ask about later. But I was not prepared for his big reveal of this long jagged scar that stretched across his chest. The contours indicated it had needed stitches when he initially received it. 

"I was bullied horribly in high school. I didn't show this to Bill because he might not be capable of handling it but when kids at school discovered I was gay they all decided to hold me down and the main jock, who told me three nights before he loved me, drove a knife down my chest. I wished it killed me back then. I'm worthless, everyone tells me so. That's why I'm trying so hard with your brother. I don't know how to tell you this but...I've fallen for him. I'm not trying to hurt him and I know you think I've converted him. But he's told me the only reason he allowed Sasha to hurt him was because he wanted to prove he's straight. He himself knew it to not be true and I guess it suddenly came to light when he kissed me."

"Adam...I don't know why I hated you. I've got my reasons for hating my dad, bio dad, my ex girlfriend, Sienna and those jack holes that decided it'd be fun to drop us from their label. But you, I was only pissed because you've done what I am supposed to do. My own brother doesn't feel comfortable with me anymore. I blamed you when it's my fault. When I found out he might have any feelings for you, I freaked out. I didn't want my brother to be gay by any circumstance. But after talking to David and thinking while you spoke I realized how foolish I've been. This isn't about Bill being gay."

"Really? Then why are you being so, well you?"

"It's his epilepsy. That's the largest variant between us. I don't have it, he does but I figured that's the only difference. Our clothing styles has nothing to do with it. Then he starts to like you and all I saw was another fucking variant and it pissed me off. I'm trying to say sorry here but I just feel like I'm going to fuck up again and then my sorry will mean nothing."

"Tom, you needn't apologize. I understand what being a protective brother is like. I beat the shit out of a guy that spilled soda on my brother Neil once. Can you learn to trust me? If I ever mess up, you can kick my ass and I won't fight back."

"I won't do that...Bill has that covered. He's a stronger fighter than me. I'm a little weaker because I've got control, Bill does not."

For the first time ever, I shared a laugh with Adam, we were equals. Both of us had a common goal to be by Bill's side no matter what and protect him from harm.


	14. 14

Adam sat close to Bill in the restaurant. He wanted to be sure that the teen at every bite of his food. They decided to go out before everyone went stir crazy inside the house. Bill was being peckish but Adam and Tom both watched his bites. The younger male was going through waves of guilt and with every bite the nagging voices grew louder. He nearly dropped the fork twice. Normally he would've finished his meatball marinara before everyone and begged for seconds but now all that sauce and pasta looked more like a swimming pool of blood and lava. He wanted to puke when the smell of food hit him. 

"It's only been a few days, Bill. You shouldn't be having an issue." Tom sighed. 

"I'm trying, Tom. But it's really hard. And besides its been a little more than a few days try eight weeks."

"Don't remind me. Just, here." 

He started to roll the spaghetti onto the fork and feed his brother. Bill felt completely humiliated and depressed. He didn't understand why two months of this so called eating disorder did so much damage. He wiped away a tear as he slowly chewed the large ball of pasta in his mouth. It disgusted him. All he could think of was how much weight he'd gain from the food he was about to consume. With a dull sigh, Adam looked at Georg who was mutilating his steak. But he caught Adam's glance and nodded. 

"Tom, wanna go hit the bar and talk for a minute?" The brunette asked. 

"Why?"

"It's important, come on."

Tom groaned and left the table with the older male and Gustav in tow. That left Adam and Bill alone. The blue eyed male turned to Bill and looked deeply into his eyes. That immediately started the waterworks and Bill was a blubbering mess on his shoulder. 

"I'm so sorry, Adam. I'm trying but it's so hard."

"Tell me why it's so hard."

"I can't. You'll think I'm insane or something."

"You can trust me."

The teen wiped his face, feeling grateful he decided to go bare face to dinner. He sighed and looked right at his hands that now sat in his lap. Adam looked at the young boy expecting him to either clam up or tell him what's going on. Bill pushed his long hair behind his ear and sniffled. 

"Come on."

"I---there's this weird voice telling me what to do. And right now it's screaming at me, telling me not to eat, calling me ugly and fat."

Bill looked at Adam expecting him to get up and run away. He just didn't know why he felt comfortable telling him all these things. He just told him everything even before he knew he was slowly falling for him. The older male looked at Bill and sighed. He simply picked up his fork with a piece of his filet mignon on it and shoved it into Bill's mouth. 

"If it's screaming that means we are beating it. Don't stop eating. It'll go away."

"But now I've got a raging headache."

"Don't stop, Bill. This thing is something that you, Tom and I can beat senseless. You won't lose to it. Now, keep eating."

The teen picked up the fork and resumed eating. The voice kept getting louder and he had to grip Adam's shirt to fight the growing headache but he didn't stop eating. He knew that Adam was there for him. He glanced over at Tom who was drinking scotch and pining over the Bill dilemma. He had no idea that Adam was helping Bill fight the demons of his mind. He just knew that the G's pulled him away so he could be alone with Adam. 

"Okay, Tom, look, you can't force someone to be healthy. What your brother is going through is very upsetting but you can't just like force him to be healthy again. He went through a horrible ordeal and now he's trying his hardest to recover."

"Don't you think I know that, Georg? I'm trying to be supportive but at the same time. It's like he's only had this problem for like two months. How bad can it really be?"

"It's his mind, dude. He's got a lot of shit trapped up there." Gustav added. 

"He's only like this because daddy raped him."

"Let's not forget you treating him like shit for a few days."

Tom took a large swig of his drink and glared at Georg. He shouldn't be angry at him for being honest. Tom got up from the bar stool, stumbling a bit because that wasn't his first drink of the night. Try six beers at home and five glasses of scotch. He wasn't drunk but he wasn't sober either. Georg grabbed the younger boy and pulled him away from the direction he was about to walk. 

"Look, Tom, right now you are being everything but sympathetic and empathetic to your brother. A eating disorder is much more than just refusal to eat or overeating and purging. It's very fucking mental. The person doesn't start off just not eating. They go through phases. So maybe he's been starving himself for two months but he's been going through the phases much longer."

"How would you fucking know?"

"Do you remember my older brother?"

"What did he have an eating disorder?"

"No, he called my sister ugly and beat her up everyday until she snapped. Sasha may be a bitch but she hadn't always been. She used to be nice. But after age ten she turned into that whore. The only reason she's like that is because our family acted just like you're acting when we found out she was anorexic. The time period's got nothing to do with the disease. Now, either you calm your small ass down and let Adam help him or you can get in the car and wait there until we all fucking leave."

Tom shrugged him off and the two glared at each other. Gustav stood between them because knowing Tom he'd swing at the older male and then Georg would pummel him. The older twin stormed out of the restaurant and the G's returned to the table. Bill looked out to see his brother smoking a cigarette trying to calm down. 

"What happened?"

"Tom heard a word of wisdom and needs a moment to let it marinate."

Bill simply looked at his plate and cried. Adam didn't know why nor did the other band members. The teen just began crying. He wiped his face and let out a choking sob. Adam put an arm around him and tried to comfort him. But he didn't stop. Bill was overfilled with emotions. He hadn't cried about the way Tom had been treating him. Right now, he felt like utter shit. 

"I'm tearing my whole band apart. Tom hates me for not being healthy and you guys probably agree with him."

"Sweetie, Tom doesn't hate you. He's just going through this too. You're his only brother and he doesn't know what to do. Everything that's being done to help him isn't being done by him but by Adam and that's pissing him off too." Georg cooed. 

Adam never heard the brunette speak so softly. He even threw sweetie in there for good measure. 

"Great, I'm so fucked he doesn't know how to handle me."

"Bill, that's not it he's just assuming that this thing is only eating. Tom doesn't get that it's more and that he's gotta be supportive and not attack you." 

"I'm not a child, Georg."

"True but right now, your mind is not exactly rainbows and gumdrops either."

"Whatever. Can we just go? I'm tired, my head hurts, and my stomach hurts."

Dropping a bill on the table they group left and met a very angry Tom outside. He flicked his cigarette away and pulled Bill from Adam's grasp. Bill protested but wasn't in the mood to fight. 

"Tom, what are you doing? Let me go."

"Shut up, we are walking home. You guys can take the car."

Bill tried pulling away and suddenly flashes of the rape entered his mind and Tom turned into Jörg and that sent Bill into a screaming fit. He gripped his head and let out hell shaking screams. Tom stared at his brother so did everyone else. 

"Bill?" Tom asked as he got closer. 

Bill looked up at his twin and all he saw was his father. He kicked him in his groin and took off. 

"You guys take him home, I'll go after Bill." Adam ordered.

***

Goddamit! Where could he have gone? He runs really fast for an underweight teenager. I found him and he threw a brick in my direction but it didn't hit me. He started running again and it was starting to wear me out.

"Bill, stop! Where are you going?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" He screamed. 

He turned into an alley and I prayed it was a dead end. There was a gate there and he was huddled up against it with another brick. He tossed it and it hit my foot but I kept walking. 

"Please not again." He whimpered. 

"Bill...it's me. It's Adam. You're alright."

He looked at me and hid his face in my chest. 

"I'm sorry Adam. I just starting seeing my father and it scared me."

"It's alright. You're alright now. Come on."

I picked him up bridal style and he immediately fell asleep. I sighed and hailed a cab to take us back to the house. Bill snuggled into me and I could feel the shivers running down his back. The cabby laughed and turned to us at the red light. 

"Is your girlfriend cold? I've got a blanket up here she could use."

"One, not my girlfriend, two, not a girl, three no thank you. Just drive us home."

He groaned and the rest of our ride was to the soft snores coming from Bill as a soundtrack. They were all waiting for us by the door and David paid the cab. Bill was gripping my shirt and that indicated he didn't want me to go. So I brought him up to his bedroom and laid with him so he'd stay asleep. I didn't want him waking up because he needed sleep. Tom stood in the doorway and groaned. Georg simply came up behind him and closed the door. I could hear arguing but right now, Bill was all that mattered. 

I played with the loose hairs that came out of the ponytail and kissed his forehead. I kicked off my shoes and removed his boots and turned my body to face him. He wrapped his skinny arms around my waist and returned to sleep. I myself wasn't tired but he needed me to be there and I would gladly do that. Bill deserved more than the abuse that he suffered from the hands of the world. This was more than a companionship agreement. I have officially signed up for life. 

But I couldn't care. Bill was this person who smiled constantly for others to reassure them when he himself had demons to fight. He told his fans to never back down and to fight back against adversity yet he himself was losing a battle to his own mind. He felt ashamed of himself. He stood there and watched people smile and thank him for giving them strength, confidence and a voice yet he was weak. Bill was much more than pretty face and I want to make sure that I stand by his side and give him that shoulder he'll need to travel down this road. He rolled over to get even closer into my body and I nuzzled into his hair. He was comfortable with me. He found something in me despite me being hopelessly useless. 

I know that deep down Bill may realize that he deserves better but for now I'll live in this moment. I'll stand forward and keep all dangers away from him. Whether those threats be from his seizures or from some outside source. I won't let him down. I just need Bill to get better. I need to see him smile again. That's the Bill that got this nearly thirty year old's heart racing. I was a fan to begin with and now I'm spending time with the one person who made life for me slightly bearable. Their music was something that spoke to me of course I'd never tell him that. He might not trust me if I did. Tom appeared in the doorway and he was obviously drunk. I don't get why he doesn't see that Bill needs to be cared for and not chastised. 

"Get up, asshole!" He slurred. 

"Be quiet. Your brother is sleeping."

"I don't care! Get up!" 

I rolled my eyes and brushed some hair from his face. I kissed Bill's forehead and gently pulled him away from me. But Tom still entered the room and tossed his bottle to the ground, breaking it. He got in my face and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I took a half a step back and looked at him. He looked over my shoulder at Bill and then back at me. I wasn't in the mood to fight with him. Hell, we're not in the room to be dealing with this shit. But that didn't stop him from punching me in the face. I recoiled but didn't return the gesture. Why you may ask? When I turned from the hit, I met face to face with a testy eyed Bill who was upset that I had got out of bed. I simply turned back to Tom with the same blank expression. 

"Fight back! You have no problem turning my fucking band against me! You've got no problem forcing your perverted, immoral, disgusting ways onto my little brother. But you're obviously all bark and no bite, dickhead."

"I've got no reason to fight you Tom. You need to get this jealously under control."

"There you go again telling me what to do. I'm sick of that shit! That is my brother! I've held his hand throughout everything. Our parents divorce, his epilepsy and school bullies. You have no right to come in and push me out."

"I'm not pushing you out. But right now, you aren't helping him. Chastising him for something he can't control, babying him when he's hurting himself and putting his body in dangerous positions when you know it can hurt him and possibly yourself isn't what brothers do. As of right now, you are more of a danger to him than his eating disorder."

That didn't roll over well because he punched me again and a part of me wanted to just hit him but I didn't. I just wiped the blood away and looked back at him. I was hoping all this stress wouldn't hurt Bill. He needed rest. But how could I expect him to not be bothered when his brother was physically assaulting someone in his room. 

"Tom, stop it!" He squeaked. 

He jumped up and got in front of me, knowing Tom wouldn't hit him. He was trembling from the streams of tears falling from his eyes and the exhaust that his body was fighting. He turned to me and checked my face and I could see Tom's angry expression. He was in the right mind to hit me, kill me even. The older twin pulled Bill off me and went to swing again but Bill grabbed his arm and pulled it back. Tom back hand slapped his twin but didn't appear to regret it. Bill walked back over to me not acknowledging the hit. I was about to murder him when Bill simply turned to his brother and I could see the betrayal in his eyes. 

"Tom, I only want to be happy. I'm happy with you and I'm happy with our band and crew. I'm happy with our family but...I'm not happy with myself. I'm sick! There's something wrong with me but you're too busy focusing on us being different that you don't see how much all this hurts me. Adam is there for me and that's all I want. I wanted it to be you but you're just too busy ignoring the issue. Just like daddy ignored the issue of my seizures and nearly killed me. You're being just like him and I don't think it's healthy for me to be near you when you're like this." Bill sighed. 

Tom didn't respond he just turned on his heels and left. I stood behind Bill because he looked very uneasy on his feet. Just like I assumed he would he passed out in my arms. The kid was exhausted and needed rest. I put him back in bed and allowed him to rest. He had too much to deal with. I wanted to relieve him of his stress but I knew that it's going to take a lot more than sleep to do that. But it's a great start. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I sighed when I saw my father's name pop up. He's the one who started this thought of uselessness in me. But he's not lying. I am hopelessly useless. 

"Hello?"

"Adam? Jeez, you sound awful. I just called to ask if that kid fired you yet."

"I'm not home am I."

"Feisty little faggot aren't we. You are excellent at being a lazy good for nothing, maybe that kid feels bad and wants to give you some kind of purpose but you'll surely fuck it up."

"Did you call just to insult me? Can't you say anything nice to me? Or is it because I'm gay? You can't handle me being gay so you think it's okay to insult me constantly?!"

"Look, you chose this lifestyle."

"You're saying I chose a harder life? You think I chose to be something that I knew was shunned, hated and mistreated? You just don't get it. I'm tired of you acting like you didn't love me before I told you I was gay."

“You chose this life. I have nothing more to say to you. When you’re done giving that already sick boy grey hairs call your mother she wants to speak with you.”

I tossed my phone across the room and groaned. This was really pissing me off. I looked back at Bill who had cuddled with my sweatshirt that was on the bed. When had I gotten so attached to him? Even better question, why had I gotten so attached? He wasn’t like my lover or anything. But I guess he reminded me of Denny. He was always looking out for others not caring what strain was put on himself. That’s probably what drew me to him. How am I supposed to help him? I can’t even help myself. I am over here trying to be a good samaritan and I can’t even think for a moment about why I deserve to be alive. I wish I died back then. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to question what I do and why I do it. I am literally the reason two brothers are being split apart. I don’t like this. I want them to be happy. I want Bill to be happy. He needs his brother. They need each other. I am nothing. I am not of any significant importance. It’s a shame that Tom can’t accept his brother but I don’t want to ruin their relationship. My feet carried me to the older twin’s room. He was laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. I took notice of the liquor bottles strewn across the floor.

“What are you doing in here?”

“I wanted to apologize. I’m not trying to separate you and your brother.”

“You honestly think you can separate us? Don’t flatter yourself.”

Tom sat up and got out of the bed. He got into my face yet again and snickered.

“You’re weak. How are you supposed to protect my brother when you can’t even balls up and fight for yourself? My brother had to stop me from kicking your ass.”

“There’s nothing stopping you now. Why don’t you just hit me now? Kick my ass now.”

He grabbed my shirt collar but he didn’t swing on me. He just chuckled and let it go.

“You are so not worth it. I could tear you apart but I’m not going to because I just don’t think you have the balls to take me. I’d hurt you and then my brother would be mad at me for hurting his precious little Adam. My brother would be mad at me for hurting your dumbass. It’s annoying and sick. I don’t like you touching him. I don’t like him being close to you. I just don’t like you and...him. You’ve got him confused and angry. You hurt him. But he doesn’t see it. All he sees is you being his hero and I’ll wait until you show him just how fucked up you are and then I’ll be there to toss you ass out on the street.”

I backed away from him and sighed. He wasn’t going to let up. But how can I make him see that the only reason things are this difficult is because he refuses to help his brother in the right way. All he wants to do with me is fight. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m tired of fighting. I just want Bill to get better. I want to see him smile but apparently that in itself is crime. My wanting Bill to be happy is a crime and I have to deal with that. I guess I truly do cause trouble no matter where I go.


	15. 15

A few months had passed. We were now taking steps to get our music bigger in the U.S. and Bill, Bill was genuinely getting better. Adam had been there and even though it pissed me off that he got to help my brother, I was happy that someone was doing it. Our second trip to the U.S. was scheduled to be this week at the end of the summer season. Bill and I would be celebrating our 19th birthday shortly after we arrived in the U.S. Our English was nowhere good enough for television. It took quite a while to actually get out there. We wanted to make sure everything went smoothly. I don't know what Bill was doing in our hotel room next to the airport. He had gotten into some song that really was making him all emotional and confident and shit. 

"Bill, this is the third time you've listened to your iPod today. What are you listening to?"

"Just a silly old song. Don't worry about it." He smiled. 

He took the device and left the room. My brother was one of the most confusing people on the planet. He often would join the crowd of people but now he was only distancing himself when he would get his iPod. I shrugged the thought off and continued to strum my guitar. Bill was not exactly normal so I won't judge his behavior. He was getting better and that's all that mattered. It had been a couple weeks before Bill started talking to me and before he actually wanted to be my brother. Adam held us back from killing each other. Mostly I was being a tad unreasonable. It wasn't fair to him that I wasn't fully focusing on helping him. Bill didn't deserve that. At the same time, Bill didn't understand how hard this was on me. Him being this much different hurt me a little. I wanted my twin. 

Bill soon returned and he had this weird look on his face. He was on his phone (as usual) and I'm guessing it was David on the other end of that line. He nodded a few times and then hung up. 

"Everything alright?" I asked. 

"It's just...we were nominated for a VMA!"

"One nomination?"

"Two, we are up for two." He smiled. "It's not a Grammy but this is still huge."

"That's fucking amazing. Who's our competition?"

"David didn't tell me yet. He's checking the voting sites."

This was unbelievable! We only had the album out for about two maybe three months. This was a huge step for us. We hugged and it felt good to have my brother back. The smile was restored and I was thankful for what Adam did for him.

*~*~*~

"...waiting on a cure, but none of them are sure..." I sang to myself.

This song was somewhat of an inspiration to me at the moment. I found it a two months back when I was on YouTube looking at the English music video for Monsoon. I really enjoyed these artists. What got me even more excited was I'd get the chance to meet them since they'll be at the award ceremony too. I was too excited. This was the first time I'd ever be nervous or not expecting to win. It doesn't bug me though. We are really big there so I'm not going to be getting my hopes up. I've had this one song on for the past thirty minutes. It loops repeatedly and each time it gets better. 

"And you don't know what it's like to feel so low..." I sang aloud again. 

My thoughts travelled back to when I really understood what 'epilepsy' meant. It stung but not to the point where I was a wreck. My mother explained and truth be told I still didn't fully understand it. Was I normal? Am I normal? Tom has always been there and now I've got Adam too. My feet brought me to Adam's room and he was hanging up his phone. 

"Hi." I chirped. 

"Wha?! Oh, hey." He sighed. 

"Something's the matter? What's wrong?"

"I just told my mom I'll be in town but I can't visit."

"Sure you can. I'll go with you. That way you're still doing your job and seeing your family."

"I don't know. My mom kind of gets clingy around pretty boys."

I giggled and pulled the man to his bed. I had grown attached to him. This guy just was something to me now. But this visit was purely to get support in something. I was going to wait until we got to LA to prepare for our interviews and what not. It's nice to know that I've got people on my side and I also wanted to speak to one additional person on this topic. Since he's going to be there. 

"So what's up, Bill?"

"I'm thinking about telling the fans about my epilepsy."

"That's fantastic. I'm sure they'll be really supportive."

"Yeah but my plan would be to wait until we get to the U.S. and talk with someone else before I actually do. I want to get an opinion."

"I think it'll be very magical and a moment where you can be vulnerable with your fans. They'll trust you even more when you're being honest."

I nodded and looked at my feet. This would be probably the biggest decision I've made in my life. I never thought that I'd be doing something like telling my fans something this personal about myself. It was now that I've realized that I always avoid the personal questions. I gripped my wrist really tightly fighting the sudden urge to cut that raided my mind. I couldn't do this anymore. It just hurt too much. I've been smiling these past few weeks but there's still something burrowing in my brain. I'd never tell Adam or Tom or Georg or Gustav that. I've been eating okay, but sometimes I purposely skip meals. Closing myself off helps. I've gotten better at hiding it too. I'll eat a large meal in the morning and then skip lunch and drink water for the rest of the day. That way, Tom sees me eat and doesn't panic. 

I know I sound crazy but the fans love my new look. I've got all black hair, and I'm even more flawless. Earlier this year, I got my teeth fixed and I feel great. I look great too. I sound even better too. But one thing still bothers me. I've been cuddling and kissing Adam yet I don't even know if I'm gay. I just told the world that I'm not and now this happens. I'll be pegged a liar if I say I'm gay now. I'm just really confused. I've always been this way too. I've never really had thoughts locked up tight. I tend to daydream or lose my train of thought. I lose my temper a lot because I can't really focus on staying calm. My mother blames my father. She says his abuse is the reason that I've been acting the way I do. 

My father. 

I shudder just thinking about him. He's the reason I'm broken. He's the reason that I've noticed my flaws and has made me neurotic about fixing them. It hurts too much. I hurt too much. But no one needs to know. I'll be fine. But when I look at Adam, I see something more. The way he holds my hand and tells me it's gonna be okay. The way he held me when I cried. The way he protected me when Tom was willing to fight and I wasn't. He's just there for me and I don't wanna lose him. But I can't figure out why. I'm not gay! I'm not gay! I'm not...gay? 

"Hey, Adam, how long have you known you were gay?" I asked. 

"Since I was eleven. I've never understood why girls didn't make me happy or whatever it is that girls do for guys. They disgusted me. Then I kissed my best friend, Hunter when we were at summer camp and that's when I discovered that I was gay. I wanted to kiss him again and again and I wanted to date him like I've seen all the other boys doing with girls. But when I asked him out, he called me a faggot," he said with a hint of sadness in his voice. 

"Does your family know?"

"Yeah, they do. My mom loves me and so does Neil, my little brother. But my father..." He trailed off. 

I could see the hurt in his eyes. The way his blue eyes trembled and the way he bit his bottom lip to stop the tears. It was obvious that this is something that hurts him. I took his hand and he looked up at me. I smiled and he chuckled. 

"I miss your bunny teeth," he smiled. 

"What?! No, I hated those fucking teeth! They made me ugly and I never want to see them again!"

"Bill, relax," Adam giggled. 

"You think this is funny?! You think having ugly feet is funny. It's not funny. I'm not ever going to have bunny teeth again!"

He got up and wrapped his thick arms around my thin frame. His heartbeat resonated on me and every second felt like heaven. I was safe and comfortable. I wanted this forever. I turned around in his arms and my head matched up with his. I pulled his face into mine and placed my lips onto his. That same feeling of tiny explosions in my stomach was there. My toes were curling up in my shoes. He brought a hand on the back of my head and held me close. This was getting more and more amazing as time passed. My body pulled his to the hotel bed and I wanted to experience real sex and not rape. But as soon as his hands touched my shirt, memories of that night flashed in my head and I pulled away. 

"I'm sorry, I'm just not ready yet," I whimpered. 

"It's fine, um how about we get ready for the day?"

"Yeah, we have to leave for America tomorrow, I wanted to get some shopping done. Let's go do that," I muttered. 

I feel like shit. I led him on and I know he's pissed. Why am I so stupid?! Goddamit, Bill! I gripped my shirt and sat pigeon toed at the edge of the bed. It wasn't fair that my mind wanted to recap the memories of the night my father commuted the biggest act of betrayal. It hurt that I couldn't have a normal relationship with him. It was easier when I could push the memories away but now it's there at the front lines ready to go out to battle. I can't love another person. My own body feels alien to me. 

I grabbed my journal from the bed end table and started to write. I'm just so far into the darkness that I need to vent or I risk falling into depression again. Tom can't handle that anymore. I've gotta be strong. I've gotta be there for my Tom. But at the same time, it's like I'm hiding who I am because I want those around me to be happy. It drew me back to my promise. I'll tell the fans that I have epilepsy. It's one step to being more intimate with the ones responsible for my fame. They mean the world to me. I've often experienced nightmares of them ignoring me and hating me. 

Scary. 

Those vivid movies made me break out in cold sweats and scream. I couldn't lose them but lying to them is pushing them away. I looked down at the page and sighed. All my writing lately has been depressing. I've gotta get my shit together. My russet eyes landed on my iPod which was my personal escape. It helped me through my moments of loneliness. My fingers scrolled along the song list until I came across the song that's been driving me. It's been the one thing that's maintaining my sanity. The pain was resting on my head like a badly designed hat. I couldn't pull it off. It just stuck to my head. 

My own emotions are turning into my enemy. I hate being a living creature that is capable of being depressed and happy and angry. Can't we all be robots? Robots are perfect. It wouldn't take much for me to be the best person I could be. Someone could program perfection into my data banks and then I'll be perfect. I'll be...perfect. What's that word even mean? I've been striving to be something I don't even know what it is. 

"Bill, are you ready?" 

"Huh?! Oh yeah, I've just gotta grab my um, wallet and my bag," I stammered.

***

With Adam and Bill out shopping, it left me to think of the shit that's been happening. All the pain that my brother has been through in the past year and I just don't know what's going on. Bill needs to have Adam but I can see that he's starting to get conflicted. The way he is always been hesitant yet all over him. It's this strange parallel that I've never seen from him. He hasn't talked to me recently though. Bill likes to bottle shit in. I've tried to be there but he just isn't letting me in. He's running away. Bill, come to me please. I want to help.

Bill, I love you like a brother should. But you aren't letting me in. You're smiling at me but I know you're hurting. You can't lie to me. Those are all the things I wanna say but don't have the strength to. Bill would hate me for badgering him. Then I'd never get the chance to talk to him. 

I've gotta remind him that I'm his brother and opening up will do him good. The pain won't disappear because he refuses to acknowledge it. It only grows and becomes a being all its own. But how does one get a stubborn person like my brother to understand that. He's so determined to prove he's better that he's willing to hold back all negative thoughts. I don't want him to break down mentally and emotionally before he sees that he's hurting himself. 

"Tom, what's got you all sad?" Georg asked when he entered the room. 

"Nothing, Geo."

"Really? You haven't ever turned down a party in Berlin. Something is obviously wrong."

"Just thinking about Bill. He's too happy."

"So I'm not the only one who's picked up on that?"

"Has he told you anything?"

"Besides the fact that I'm a shit bass player? No. But yeah, I'm used to that shit."

"I mean something that could tell me something about his thoughts or feelings?"

"Tom, if he hasn't told you, you damn well I don't know. You asked Adam?"

"No, they are always together so I ain't ever have a chance."

"I'm sure that he knows something. Don't sweat it. I'm sure he's probably just having a rough patch. We've got so much more responsibility now. America is a big place to conquer."

"Georg, why do you always know what to say?"

"Cuz I'm older and far cooler."

"No, I think it's because you're so stupid you have room for inspirational quotes that read on cereal boxes."

"Haha, fucker. I'm gonna go get a beer and then watch some TV."

"I'm gonna play my guitar for a while."

He half saluted and left the room. Bill and I had grown accustomed to the G's giving us their mature, most likely liquor induced advice. They're really smart when they wanna be. They ain't idiots. Those two have been with us for so long, I think Bill has a record of when they fart. But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

As I strummed a few chords, the door opened and Bill walked in with his hands full of bags and Adam had a few too. 

"Jeez, did you buy the whole store?"

"Wha?! No! I just needed new clothes for America. These won't do."

"Bill, seriously?"

"Uh, yeah. Adam take those bags to the room."

"Gotcha." 

Once he was gone, Bill plopped down next to me. He sighed and his shoulders dropped. 

"What's up, little bro?"

"Tom, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong."

"How?"

He laid back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. His eyes closed and he parted his lips, I could see his tongue ring in his mouth. 

"I think I may have fallen for Adam but I'm scared to love him."

"Whoa, slow down! What?!"

"I knew you'd be angry!"

"No, it's not that. It's just, I wasn't expecting this."

"Tom, you've seen us kiss and you know that I've been really clingy to him lately."

"That kiss that I saw seemed forced. Like you were trying to be happy and make sense of this world but couldn't."

"Alright but I seriously feel like I'm falling head over heels for him and I'm just not able to function. I wanna love him and I wanna be with him but as soon as he touches my body..."

"Dad?"

"Uh huh. Oh Tom, it's not his fault. I'm just broken."

I pulled Bill into a hug and he seemed shocked at first but melted into it later. 

"Bill, you are not broken."

"Tell that to my heart. Tomi, why can't I love him? Why won't my mind let me love him?"

"You're still coping with what dad did to you. Give it time."

"How much time?! I want to experience real love and I can't because I'm scared that he'll be like dad. My body doesn't let me forget that my own father took advantage of me."

"Bill, you have to give these things time."

"Tom, when can I love again? I want to love Adam. Can't you help me love him?"

"I'm sorry Bill but I can't make you forget that dad hurt you. All I can do is stand by your side and defend you. I can't make your body turn on for someone else."

"I know. I'm sorry you're stuck with a screw up for a brother."

"Bill, you aren't a screw up."

He pulled away and looked at me with those big doe eyes. 

"Tom, I'm not ready to love and I want to love. How's that not screwed up?!"

"You weren't born with a closed heart. You used to be open to all and then dad hurt you. You have to forgive dad."

"Forgive him?! He raped me?!"

"I know but...it's the only way you'll heal. You've gotta let it go. You're holding onto it."

He started to cry and looked at his feet. 

"Tom, this pain, it's the only thing reminding me that I'm alive. This grudge is what helps me wake up and not cry or avoid getting up. It's gets me out of bed. How can I just let it go?! I've got nothing else!"

"You've got me, you've got Adam, you've got Tokio Hotel and you've got our fans."

"Those aren't going to help me soul. Tom, I'm in pain, okay I just want Adam to maybe love me and then I can try to love him. I need his love and maybe I can move on. I've got nothing right now, I love you Tom but I'm still lonely."

I looked at my brother and he was wiping away his tears. Bill needed to let go. I have to help him let go. But I can't do it alone. 

Bill soon fell asleep in my bed and I took the time to sneak over to his room. 

"Adam?"

"Yes, Tom?"

"I need your help."


	16. 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill can't have one day of peace before everything goes to hell in the blink of an eye.

Can I just point out how odd it is when the person who would normally try to kill you walks into the room? He looks so done. The way his shoulders are sagging and he looks tired. 

“Sit down, Tom. What’s going on?” I ask.

“Bill, he’s not okay. I just feel...Adam, can you be patient with Bill?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t rush him into anything. My brother is scared and I don’t want to see him get hurt.”

“Tom, I haven’t been doing that. It mostly just leads to intense makeout sessions and then once it’s on the cusp of sex, he pulls away.”

He seems to sink even lower into the bed. His face dips below his shoulders and he lets out a sob. Tom’s large sleeves act as tissues when he wipes away the tears that are falling out of his eyes. I had never really seen Tom get emotional before so this was a bit of a shock for me. He sits up and looks at me with red eyes and tears still flowing.

“Adam, what have I done wrong? Did I hurt him? Did I do something that would make him think he’s not safe with us? I know what my father did and I wish I could fucking kill him but Bill won’t talk to me. I feel like I’m being replaced. That’s why I am so uncomfortable with this idea of you being around. I feel like he doesn’t want to be around me anymore,” Tom sobs.

“That’s not true.”

“I ridiculed him for being gay. I think that’s why he so scared to actually just be happy. I’m making him remember the abuse that our father put him through.”

I hand him a tissue and he chuckles a little.

“I think I’ve just succeeded in doing nothing but pushing my brother right to you. I’ve been treating him like his opinions and his feelings don’t matter. I feel like such a asshole,” Tom sighs.

“Tom, look at me. I am not sure where our relationship is going to go but I do know that Bill loves you. You’re his brother. You’ll always be his brother.”

“Yeah...but I fucked up. Bill, he doesn’t need me anymore.”  
I place an arm around his shoulders and that forces him to look at me.

“Tom, as an older brother it’s our job to defend our younger and far less experienced siblings. Give Bill time and he’ll tell you whatever he needs to,” I smile.

“I fucking hate you for being right,” he groans.

“Tom, what scares you most about Bill being gay possibly?”

“Well, we’re identical twins and I guess if he’s gay I was worried that means I’m gay too, but now I don’t think that’s true. It’s just I’m worried he’ll get hurt. Our fans were really shaken up over rumors, I can’t imagine what would happen if it were true,” Tom replies.

“It’ll be okay. We are all here for him and they won’t hurt him.”

He wiped away any remaining tears and took a deep breath. I know that once he’s fully calmed down he’ll tell me not to tell Bill about this moment. 

“Adam, that night when I got really drunk and I fought with Bill, did he tell you why he flipped out on me?”

“He started seeing his father in you, you were acting like Jorg.”

“I made him remember the worst moments of his life, great! I am really the worst brother in the world.”

“Tom, you are not! Look, Bill just needs you to be there for him. Hold his hand, cuddle him, and just be his brother. That’s all he could ever want and ask for. I’ll help you with understanding him because as he slowly realizes what he wants you are going to be confused. So you have to learn that he’s slowly becoming himself.”

“I know that. I’m just worried for him.”

“Tom, let me tell you about my experience with being gay. I was bullied horribly. In fact they tried to kill me and there were days where I wished they did. I tried to kill myself because the father who I thought loved me unconditionally abused me. I still struggle with self harm every day. When my boyfriend left, it got real bad. I found this program and decided that if I could help others, I would give my life purpose. Bill’s music and his family give him purpose. You have to be there for him. Forget your own selfish thoughts.”  
He looks at me and then gets up. I don’t know if he’s angry about what I said or if he’s just shocked.

“Adam, when you showed me those scars, I saw new ones. Did you cut?”

“I wish I could tell you what happened that day but I can’t.”

“Does it have to do with Bill?”

“I am neither confirming nor denying that comment. This isn’t incriminating or anything, I just refuse to speak on it.”

“Adam, tell me!”

“He did because of me!”

We both looked at the door and Bill was there with tears in his eyes. He was gripping his shirt sleeves and he looked so tired.

“Bill?”

“He caught me cutting and he made this promise to me that if he saw any new cuts on my skin, that he’d put the same amount of cuts on himself. He did it to help me stop,” Bill recalls sadly.

“You could’ve come to me and told me that he was doing that!” Tom snaps at me.

“Tom, you knew I was cutting. Why are acting so surprised? Besides, after that day, I haven’t cut since. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s pain. Tom, I was going to wait until later to tell you this but I am going to tell the fans that I have epilepsy and...that I am in fact gay.”

“Bill, are you sure about this?” I ask.

“Yes, I want to be happy with myself. I am sick of hiding. You only hide those things that you are ashamed of. Why should I be ashamed of my feelings? Why should I be ashamed that I take medication? I am not sick or crazy. I want my fans to know that I can be vulnerable with them and that I am not going to lie about my illness anymore.”

Tom pulls Bill in for a hug and they share a unique moment of silence where they know what each other is thinking but onlookers can’t hear. Bill finally pulls away and looks at me. I for some crazy reason feel heat rising onto my cheeks. He walks over to me and sits down on the bed next to me.

“Adam, I really want to try this with you. Can you just be patient with me?”

“Sure, I mean, you’re still kind of a minor and it’d be weird for me to do _that_ with you.”

He pulls my face to his and kisses me. Seriously, can someone please tell me when I fell for this kid.

*****

Los Angeles. It’s so fucking beautiful here. The weather is really hot but I feel like it’s a good kind of hot. The people are all so tan and care free, well some of them. There are a lot artsy people here too. I met several actors, dancers and singer that haven’t made it yet but are coming to LA to pursue those dreams. It’s kind of cute in a way. I look down at my phone occasionally, waiting for his text. I had David contact the person who I want to speak with before making my announcement to all the fans.

“Bill!”

“Yeah, David?”

“So he said he’d meet you today in the dining hall downstairs with his brothers,” he explains.

“Alright, I’ll go grab my bag.”

I wanted to do this alone, so I’m leaving Tom here with the guys and Adam. Well Adam will be downstairs but he’ll be at another table. He can’t really leave me alone. When I got down there I saw him with his two older brothers. They were all sipping cola and having a very light conversation. I am so happy that I practiced my English.

“Hello,” I smile.

“Hey, Bill, right?” He smiles.

“Dude, of course that’s Bill! He’s the greatest lead singer of all time. I’m Joe, I’m a huge fan. When Nicky here told me he was meeting you, I had to come along to see if he was bluffing, he wasn’t,” Joe rambled.

“Right. This is Kevin my other older brother and as this idiot so gracious said, I’m Nicky, I mean Nick. I’m Nick.”

“Nice to meet you. Can I sit here or are you expecting someone else?”

“Nope, it’s just us. My mom, by the way wants to talk to your mom about stuff.”

“I’ll tell her. I’m sure they could talk while we’re in town.”

“So what’s up?” Nick asks.

“This is really a strange request but could you tell me what it was like for you to tell your fans you were a diabetic?”

“Uh, sure. I was a bit scared at first to be completely honest. See, I’ve always been very independent and a leader, so I didn’t want anyone to think of me as the sick kid. I have never been the sick kid.”

“That’s my job,” Joe adds.

“Right, well, I at first didn’t want them to know but then one night, I realized, I could use my celebrity to actually raise awareness about type 1 diabetes. I think that’s what fueled my ambition to want to tell people my story and to get people talking. I want people to actually get out there and work to find a cure for not just myself but everyone.”

“That’s so...cool.” I sigh.

“Why so interested?” Kevin asks.

“I uh, this is really weird for me to say outloud,” I stammer.

“What is it?” Joe asks.

“Well, when I was about three, fuck I don’t remember my exact age but I was a young child, I was diagnosed with generalized epilepsy and I want to tell my fans about it. I just, I was so inspired by that song A Little Bit Longer and I wanted to talk to you about my decision to do this,” I say.

“Well, maybe you should’ve asked for Joe instead of me,” Nick smiles.

“What?” I ask.

“Yup, that’s my secret. I am an epileptic, guilty as charged.” Joe adds.

“Wait, hold on, really?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t bother me. Who cares?”

“Did you ever tell your fans?”

“Yeah, they don’t care though. All they care about is how hot I am.”

“Really, Joseph?” Kevin sighs.

“I’m just saying. Look, bro, just tell the the truth and I can assure you, they won’t give a crap. It’s like, okay, he has it, whatever. You’re a rockstar, I think they’ll just be happy to know your okay and that you are willing to be honest with them,” Joe adds.

“Thanks, I suppose I should leave you guys to your own entertainment.”

“Wait, give me your number, we could totally hang out the next time, you’re in LA or if you’re ever in Dallas, or New York, or New Jersey,” Joe smiles. 

He hands me his phone and I punch my number in. He does the same with my phone and then he gives me a very awkward hug. Once he pulls away, he looks uneasy.

“Awkward,” he says sing songy.

“Well, I should go. Where’s your mom by the way?”

“In our room.” Nick replies.

“Okay, I’ll send my mom over, what room is it?”

“7-05.” Kevin says.

“I swear they planned that,” Joe adds.

“Right, I should go. But thank you for all your advice and for taking time to see me.”

“No problem, take care!” They all say in unison.

I grab Adam and we both go to the elevator.

“So?”

“They were nice and I got tons of advice, now I have to send my mother over to their mother because she wants to have a chat with her.”

“Oh, that sounds scary.”

“Adam, don’t be a child.”

We exited the elevator on our floor and I started walking to the room when I started to see colors.

“Fuck,” I mutter.

“Bill, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel so good, can you carry me back to the room?”

He picks me up bridal style and that only makes the colors seem more vibrant. The familiar taste of dirt hits my tongue and I start to panic. I can’t get sick, not now. I have to perform tonight and the last thing I need is for this to happen. I bring my hands up to my face to rub it and I can hear people around me panicking. 

“He’s fine, just needs to lie down a minute, right Bill?”

“Mhmm, I’m just nauseous. By the way, mom, the Jonas’ mother wants to meet you. She’s in room 7-05.”

I look down and see Tom is massaging my legs.

“I’m relaxed, Tom. I just need a minute to just breathe.”

“I’m just here, to you know, be here. Bill, did you take your medication today?”

“Yeah, I did. I’m just sleepy. I’m gonna try and take a nap.”

He nods and continues to rub my legs, I like the moments where Tom and I can just relax. I wish that I didn’t have to get sick for it to happen. I roll onto my side and look at Adam, he’s pouring me a cup of tea. Ugh, I hate tea. But he genuinely just wants me to be okay.

“I’ll go grab that ativan, Adam. Stay here with him,” Tom says.

“I don’t need a babysitter. I’m fine, guys.”

“I’ll stay with him, Tom.”

I groan and close my eyes to try and relax. The lights aren’t making this any better. I then feel thick fingers in my hair. I know it’s Adam. I love that he’s trying to help my faulty brain calm down.

“David was able to cancel today’s appearance because they don’t need you guys tonight. The place had a issue.”

“That’s convenient,” I chuckle.

“Are you having an aura?”

“Yeah, it’s kind of…”

Everything turns white and I could hear the washed out voices of people yelling my name.

****

“Bill?!”

I caught him before his body went right off the couch. He let out a groan and his whole body went rigid. I moved him from the couch to the floor and held him gently on his side.

“Shit!” Tom cursed when he returned to the room.

“When did it start?”

“We were talking when he just stopped talking and almost fell onto the floor. I caught him and he started getting stiff.”

The tonic phase of his seizure was over and he was now convulsing violently. Tom took his hand and was whispering something to him. I just leaned back on my knees and timed the episode. One minute, okay not bad. I quickly took the needle from Tom and rolled down his waistband to expose his thigh.

“Want me to wait five minutes?”

“Yeah, I want to see if he’ll come out of it first,” Tom sighs.

We both look at Bill as he went through the harsh convulsions his body was rhythmically running through him. He is not in pain, I hope. At the three minute mark, he slowly starts coming out of it. Simone had gone to see Mrs. Jonas already, so we were alone in the room. He is soon perfectly still on the floor, he is exhaling harshly and there is blood flowing from his mouth.

“He bit something,” Tom remarks.

“I know, I see the blood, I’ll get a towel.”

I leave the twin with his brother, he should be fine. I grab a towel out of the bathroom and bring it back. Bill is having postictal confusion and is fighting Tom.

“It’s okay, I’m here and you’re safe,” Tom cooes.

I bring the towel around and use it to wipe Bill’s mouth. He is still obviously confused but he’s calming down a little.

“He’s going to sleep,” Tom announces.

“That’s good, pick him up and put him on the couch for now, we’ll move him later.”

With Tom’s help, we get Bill back onto the couch and I drape a blanket over him. He is fast asleep and looks to be that way for quite a while.

“Oh the irony, I didn’t expect that today at all,” I sigh.

“None of us did. I’m going to tell mom he’s okay, she was worried when I texted her that Bill was acting funny,” he says and leaves the room. 

I sit down next to Bill and massage his long legs. Bill really needs his moments to just relax. He is just so stressed with all the projects he throws onto himself. I feel that he truly just needs sleep. But I understand his needs to stay busy, I’m the same way. I do it to distract myself from all the things that try to tear me down. Work is something everyone soon runs to when they feel scared or cornered. 

“Bill, I’m here if you ever wanna talk,” I say to no one.

Bill is asleep and can’t hear me and I know that we are alone. I just needed to get that off my chest. I hope he knows that we are all here for him.

****

Bill sits uncomfortably on the chair in the room they set up for this video conference. Tom is on his right and Adam on his left. He needs the moral support. He quickly takes a sip of water. All the fans would be live streaming this in about ten minutes.

“Tom, I’m nervous, what if they hate us?”

“Bill, this is something you wanted to do. I think they’ll respect your honesty.”

David walks in and puts a stack of papers on the table.

“Remember, Bill. Don’t talk about your announcement from the jump. First you must, answer the fan questions and then you move on to make the announcement,” David says.

“Gotcha, can we get started?”

“Ten more minutes,” David smiles.

To Bill the past ten minutes were hell. He looks down at his watch and sees that it’s time to start. David walks in and turns the camera on. Bill sees all the fans have already started asking questions, that they’re all asking about Adam and him. They’re also asking about the canceled show. They are also asking about the fact that he was seen with The Jonas Brothers. Their fans have always been so curious about everything that they’ve been doing. He really appreciates it.

“Hey guys, so I am here with Tom and we’ll be answering a few questions. I also have an announcement to make but that’ll wait until later. First question is from 1000MeereCutie, she writes, ‘Bill, are you excited to be in America?’ Definitely, I have always wanted to come here and this opportunity is something I have been looking forward to.”

“I got this one, Tom_sGirl asks, ‘Tom, are you planning a new hairstyle soon? I see that Bill has only black hair now, what about you?’ I am thinking of something new. Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to see if I get a new hairstyle.”

They also saw all the questions people had about Adam. He was seen with him a lot and the fans were curious. Tom and Bill answered a few more questions and finally Bill stopped them to start the announcement.

“Thank you guys so much for your questions and we’ll resume this in a moment, I just wanted to say this quickly before I lose the confidence to do so. So for the past 15 or so years, I have been fighting a silent battle. At about age three, I was diagnosed with epilepsy and ever since then, my life has been a whirlwind of doctors’ appointments, medications and surgeries for all the injuries, I’ve sustained during my seizures. I just hated that you guys didn’t know about my fight and I felt like I was lying to you every time I hid it from you all. I am not ashamed of it and I’m glad you can enjoy our music and I’m glad that all of you have been so supportive. Another thing I wanted to tell you is, I am so sorry for this but I am in fact gay. 

I remember that early last year, I told you guys that I wasn’t but I was so confused back then. I didn’t know what I was. I was trying so hard to not be that way because I didn’t want to let you guys down. But now I just can’t fight my feelings anymore. I’m sorry if this upsets you guys. I just wish that things were different. Please don’t abandon Tokio Hotel because of me. I really want my brothers to be able to make music and if I have to leave so they’ll get that dream, then I will. But please just don’t hate them,” Bill sobs.

He hides his face and he can hear the responses be typed in. 

“Bill, look, they’re saying some really positive things,” Adam chirps.

He looks up and sees that the fans are being really supportive. They are all saying ‘don’t leave’ and ‘we love you’. One girl even wrote a paragraph.

“ByYourSideForever wrote, ‘Bill, you aren’t alone in your fight. Right now, me, my twin sister, my baby sister and my mother are all fighting epilepsy. We have to live with this demon every day and we applaud you for having the strength to tell your fans that you are fighting it. I looked up to you from the beginning but now I really look up to you. I really see you as an idol. I think that you are doing something that many celebrities have ignored. You’re using your celebrity to raise awareness for a disorder that’s often forgotten. Thank you so much for your strength Bill. I love you.’ Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that and also don’t you and your family give up this fight. I mean look at me, I had a seizure earlier today and I’m still doing this video conference for you guys. 

Epilepsy is a battle that you don’t see fought on the outside. I think that it’s made me stronger in a way that some don’t really see unless we are really close. I used to be an unconfident kid who rarely spoke up. Tom calls me strong every day and I didn’t really understand why until I realised that bullying, haters and critics were nothing compared to the daily struggle that I have to deal with from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep.

Guys, I am just so happy that you’re all being so supportive. I am sorry for saying I wasn’t gay before, I just was scared that you’d all hate me as much as….nevermind. I love you all, now let’s finish up these questions.”

Tom noticed that Bill was being very hesitant about something but he continued to smile and answer questions. The fans asked about his illness and none really asked about his coming out. They just supported him. Some sent pictures of rainbow flags and some even said that they didn’t care, they still love him. Bill was happy with his decision to tell the fans. But Tom wasn’t about to let it go. After the final question, Bill waves and leaves to go grab some water, Tom follows.

“Bill, what was that earlier?”

“What was what?”

“You were about to say something and you brushed it off,” Tom explains.

“I was about to talk about dad and I changed my mind,” Bill sighs.

“Why? I mean, it would’ve been closure for you to talk about him after all this time, is he still bugging you?”

“No, Tom, it’s just…”

“Just what?”

“Nothing, I don’t want to talk about it,” Bill mumbles.

“Why not?! You never wanna talk, you’re always hiding things from me!

“Tom…”

“No, let me finish! I am supposed to be your brother and you refuse to talk to me. I get it that I haven’t been the most supportive person in the world but what do you expect from me?!”

“Tom…”

“I said let me finish!”

Tom turned around because he was so angry that Bill was not willing to tell him what was bothering him. He only wanted answers. Bill was seeing dizzy images and his arms were trembling beyond his control. He put a hand on the table to try and stabilize his body but he knew he couldn’t for much longer. Soon he collapsed to the floor, hit head on the way down. Tom turned around quickly and rushed to his brother who was now on the floor, convulsing. Tom reaches down and touches Bill’s head, he pulls back and there is blood all over his fingers.

“ADAM, CALL FOR EMERGENCY NOW! HE”S BLEEDING FROM HIS HEAD!”

 

The older male rushes into the room and sees Bill on the floor, seizing. He pulls out his phone and calls for the paramedics. Once they are on the way, he quickly kneels down to Bill.

“It’s okay, Bill. Help is on the way,” Adam says.


End file.
